CD's from last week:

Springsteen, 8/17/03 Dodger Stadium- Dude, I was right about this one, even though the bootleg is poor quality (sounds like they're under water sometimes---where does that guy come up with his rating system?) the show was awesome. The band was T-I-G-H-T and Max had a killer night. Can't wait to see Budd's face when I give him his copy.

Kinks "Ultimate Collection" - Don't you just love "Dedicated Follower of Fashion"

Shawn Colvin "A Few Small Repairs" - Forgot how moody and sad this album. Colvin wrote most of these tracks when she separated from her then husband. I once heard her say in an interview that she wanted to write songs like Springsteen's "Tunnel of Love" (another breakup masterpiece). I guess she got her chance.

Eva Cassidy "Songbird" - The only version of "Over the Rainbow" and "Fragile" I will ever listen to again.

Men at Work - "Essential Collection" - I am cursed. I woke up before the 14 mile run with "Be Good Johnny" in my head. "JOHNNYEEEEE-YE-YE-YEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Monday. I didn't run this morning because I drove Jules and the kids to the airport. They�re en route to Cleveland for a week and I already miss them. I didn't realize how much I was going to be aching until I heard "When You need Me" by Springsteen in the car on the way to LAX. My eyes are a little misty right now.

You know, before I started this whole journey to complete the marathon, I would have been a little excited to have a week to myself and just go see movies and act like a bachelor, knowing that they were coming home. But going through everything and making the effort to write about it has changed me. I miss them terribly.

During the last trip they took I finally figured out how to get to sleep at night. I just crowd all of the pillows in the bed against my back and sleep on the edge of the bed. Amazingly, I sleep like a baby (just like I do when I have Soph's knees in my back every night).

It's going to be a quiet week.

After doing a little cross training on Friday, I woke up and went off to run 14 miles on Saturday. It was a struggle, to say the least. Besides the physical challenges, there was a mental challenge as we were running our course in reverse. So, as we came up to the "turn around" point, I felt like we should have been completing our run.

My legs hurt badly by the end. I'm definitely going to be carrying some Advil on the runs from now on. That may be the key to getting through this monster because I know my feet were swelling up, and my legs were just so sore. Surprisingly, I wasn't as "tired" as I have been at the end of past runs. I mean, I could have gone the whole day without a nap. Alas, Julie forced me to lie down and sleep. Damn that woman!

Robert let us all know that 14 is the killer training number. He said that 16 and 18 will be easier. I don�t quite know how that's possible. Yet, each week I learn something new about the training and what it TAKES to finish the marathon. When I began the training I thought, "I'm just going to run the whole thing" (Remember that? Bwa ha ha ha! What was I thinking?) And I didn't have much faith in the whole "carry water and snacks with you" philosophies. Well, now I know. All of these little things are going to help me survive.

Trying to figure out whether I'll run tomorrow or just pick up on Wednesday. I'm supposed to work on the sound mix again tonight, so it might be a late one. Plus, my legs hurt this morning. When I told Jules, "My leg kind of hurts, don't know what I did." She replied matter of factly, "Uh, maybe you ran fourteen miles."

There's this wonderful Jayhawks song playing right now, from that same album I keep returning to. "Loving you for all the right reason..."

Can't wait until Jules and the kids get back.

Aloha

Ran again this morning, but didn't complete the 4 miles I was trying to run. These new insoles were bugging the heck out of my feet. So, I bought new ones... again. I wore my running shoes to work to try and break in the insoles. They feel a lot better (should have went with Dr. Scholl's in the first places).

I was pleasantly surprised to find an email from another of my college buddies, Brad, this morning. I haven't spoken with him since Bob's wedding last year. He said he's going to come to the Bowling Green Screening in November.

Have I told you? That’s on. I have my plane ticket and Seann has everything in place. I sent out word to some of my Ohio relatives and friends and I predict that there will be more advertising in the next couple of weeks. I need to work all of that out. I'm pretty excited about the trip. Hopefully we can sell out the theater and raise over $1000 for CF. That would be fantastic.

I'm on my way out the door. More tomorrow.

Aloha.

The results of Tuesday's late night had a direct effect on me Wednesday. I woke up at 5:00 on the dot, but forced myself to go back to sleep (oh, that was real tough, honest). Got up at 6:00 and went running by 6:30. I did 4 solid miles (instead of the scheduled 6) and it felt good.

The rest of the day I was spent, though. Couldn't much get my brain to work, although that could have been caused by the fuel line leak in my car.

Talked with Tony a little more and I'm going to spend the night up at their place in Lake Arrowhead next week. I'm sure we’ll discuss the job opportunity a little more.

Got home and Jake was sounding barky like he has the croup again. Perfect, just in time for their trip back to Cleveland.

Haven't done any reading or writing in awhile. Have to get back into the swing. Kind of occupied with KH, though.

Sorry I haven't written all week. It's been a little hectic (mostly mentally). Monday was a strong run. Felt great. Tuesday I didn't run (day off).

Tuesday night I was in a sound mix for "King's Highway" until midnight-ish. I didn't get home until 1:00 am.

The remixing is coming along great and I'm very excited about the improvements. This man I'm working with, Peter Carlstadt, is so awesome that I'm so thankful when we get together because he's doing this all out of the kindness of his heart.

Tuesday was also a mentally crazy afternoon. The layoffs continue here at the animation factory and I really feel that my days are numbered; despite the assurances I have received. With that thought weighing heavily on everything, I've started sending out my resume. I also had an enthusiastic conversation with my friend, Tony Gardner, whom I worked for before coming to Klasky Csupo. He has a big job on the horizon and the timing seemed serendipitous. I was pretty thrilled and called Jules about the prospect of working with Tony again. She thought it had possibilities, but her major concern was the lack of benefits.

I hadn't really thought that one through. Maybe we could get private insurance. Well, no insurance company is going to take Jacob. The kid has a life threatening illness. And the costs for him would be out of this world.

Damn! My first reaction was that this couldn't happen at a worse time for me. Here’s an opportunity to move on and possibly get the filmmaking into high gear. I was pissed. I was so mad about Cystic Fibrosis. And I was defensive when Jules asked me about any other resumes I may have sent out.

Basically, I was being selfish.

It's not about me, you know? It's about Jacob and Sophie and making sure they're taken care of. While it would be grand to go from job to job like I used to and maybe become with that film community again, can I take that risk? Can I mess with our lives like that? The answer is no. I have to make sure they're taken care of right now. While Jules is at home with them, I can't be off switching jobs all of the time.

Yet, if I lose my job here, what happens then? There are scarce jobs out there, especially ones that will pay me what we've budgeted for our lives.

There's an elephant sitting on my chest while I try to figure this one out. Oh, it's not as bad as earlier this year when I was having chest pains (that's another story for another time), but I'm feeling tired from it all.

Jules is looking into California Children's Services as an option for Jacob. We didn't qualify last year because we made too much money. Let me tell ya, that ain't the case anymore. We'll see where that can lead us.

(Our home computer is acting kind of funky... and not the Isaac Hayes "Shut your mouth/Just talkin' 'bout Shaft" kind of funky... so I wrote this one out long hand for Saturday. SM)

Saturday 9/27/03

Easy 10 this morning.

It wasn't easy last night. My stomach was turning because I was so anxious about the run. Were my legs going to hurt? Would I be able to make it without my feet flaring up? That nervousness carried over to this morning.

Got up, got out of bed, ran my hair across my head. Went to the kitchen and I made myself an egg, opened the newspaper and I went into a dream...

(Ahhhhhh, ahhh ahhh ahh, ah ah ahhhh ahhhhhh ah ah ahhhhh.... BUM BUMBUM BUM BUMP!)

Okay, enough Beatles. It was freezing this morning, like, Ohio embarrassing THO cold. It took awhile to warm up, about 2 miles or so. But the run was good-- no, great, especially the last three miles. After struggling to find my stride, low and behold it decided to make an appearance! And best of all, we did a negative split on the return five miles. I was (and still am) stoked.

Before we ran, Robert gave us a quote from a motivational speaker he'd seen last week. The speaker said, "If you're in hell, run through it."

It was, like, the perfect thing to hear as I've been fighting my self-doubts for a couple of weeks. That comment, and the things Denman wrote in his email, has really helped me get through this rough period. I'm reinvigorated. I'm actually looking forward to next week's 14-mile run.

This all brought back memories of that time during my sophomore year at Bowling Green when I hit a wall. I wasn't sure I was going down the right career path. My parents didn't quite get what was going on with me. I think they've lived their lives making decisions they were sure about and my questioning whether I should be a filmmaker made no sense to them (for the record, I was thinking about film journalism).

I went to see my adviser, a great teacher named Dr. Jack Nachbar, who headed the Film Studies program in the BG Pop Culture School (he's since retired). I explained my dilemma, and he kind of chuckled and smiled.

"So, you're experiencing the sophomore slump, huh? Well, everyone does. Tell you what, ride this thing out and come back to me at the end of the semester. If you still feel the same way, we'll figure something out."

And in that instant, because he had understood me and validated my fears and feelings, I knew I still wanted to write and direct movies, and I knew I was going down the right path. It was as if I just needed to hear that someone had been there, and that they'd gotten to the other side safely. It gave me a huge relief then, and I was back on track.

That's how it was this morning. I've been in hell, and this morning I got through it.

Aloha

It's back...

In the CD Player this week:

Don Henley, "End of the Innocence" (at least, until I got to the 2nd side and I got sick of his slick, cynical singing. Jeez, Don, you make a lot of money, don't whine so much)

Linda Ronstadt & Emmylou Harris "Western Wall, the Tucson Sessions"
(featuring some awesome harmonies by these two pioneering women of country/rock music)

Billy Squier, "Don't Say No" (C'mon.... who doesn’t love the Bill-ster. "Lonely is the night...")

The Kinks, "The Ultimate Kinks Collection" (I don't know about the title of this one. It's sorely missing some of their later 70's and early 80's radio hits. But, it DOES have "Ape man", "Don't Forget To Dance", "Living On A Thin Line" and "Victoria" all included here. Pretty good collection, but really, isn't it about time someone puts out a Kinks box set?)

Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band, "Foxboro, 8/1/03" (Just got this bootleg and it sounds great. I ordered the LA show this week and I waiting on the edge of my seat. Don't tell Budd).

So, we took Jake to a gastro-intestinal doctor this past Wednesday and they're trying to determine how much he is absorbing and mal-absorbing. The doctor told us to basically give him anything he'll eat... French Fries...are they back to being called French Fries?...Pizza... milk shakes. This basically contradicts what our old Nutritionist from Children's Hospital told us. However, I've learned that almost all of these doctors contradict the other doctors. It's like no one is really sure what the right answer is. It's frustrating, to say the least.

But, the nature of the disease is that it's different t for everyone who has it. Some cases are so mild, people aren't even aware they have CF.

True Story: We met a couple who have triplets, 2 of which were diagnosed with CF. This couple had had difficulty conceiving, but felt blessed to have their children. Obviously, both parents carried the CF gene, but what the father did not know (nor was he ever diagnosed with) was that HE HAS CF. The guy is well into his 30's. He looked as healthy as an ox (and kind of chubby too) and he had never had any serious health issues.

Whenever I think about this man, I have my hope for Jake restored.

But you see what I mean, don't you? Nobody has this thing completely figured out. ARGH!!

This GI doctor wanted us to collect samples of Jacob's poop and deliver them to their office tomorrow. So for the past few days, we have literally had containers of shit in our refrigerator. Kinda of humorous. Never a dull day in the Malchus household.

Got up this morning and rode my bike for about a half hour. God I love that bike. I originally bought it as a mode of transporting Sophie to daycare when we were living in North Hollywood. Julies' old VW Fox died in the middle of an intersection on the way to daycare. THAT was one of the worst days ever. Anyway, Soph and I would get up and ride, like, 2 miles to her daycare every morning (she loved riding in the seat on the back of my bike) and then I'd catch the train to work. God, it sucked being that poor. But, we made it through those difficult times.

I think Soph and I really bonded back then. We'd sing all the way to daycare. Strange that that was three years ago. Jake is about the age she was when we were the mad bike riders for about six months. That seems like ancient history.

Anyway, I rode my bike, then walked for about a half hour. Didn't take the MP3 player today, though. I wanted to have my thoughts with me this morning. All I could think about was, "Man, I really have developed some endurance since the last time I rode my bike." Some of the hills I take used to knock me out. Reminded me of those years I was on the North Olmsted Paint crew during my college summer breaks. Steve and I would begin the summer barely capable of making it a quarter mile without heaving and huffing. By the end of the summer, we were gliding to work on our bikes. (Actually, I should only speak for myself. Steve was always in better shape than me).

I also went to see the chiropractor this morning. My back feels better and I have positive feelings about tomorrow morning. I mean, it's only ten miles, right? I can do that in my sleep.


Aloha.

So I just gave the doctor a call and I see him tomorrow morning. Let's see if this can help.

You know, one of the things I think a bout a lot is how this blog has really gotten me reacquainted with some old friends. Take Jeff, for instance. I haven't seen the guy since, wow, probably since 1988. Yet, we've reconnected because he started reading the blog and he wanted to offer support for my training and fundraising.

I think that's the thing that keeps me going. I know there are many people out there who have my back on this one. And that is something I use when I'm running. I need anything I can get.

This morning was the first time I thought, "I can't wait until this marathon thing is over."

As the days are getting shorter, it feels like I'm spending less time with the kids, especially in the mornings, as my runs are getting longer. And now that I have to hang out at work later... well, it sucks.

I come home and I'm beat from the horrendous drive out of Hollywood, and I want to eat, and the kids are ready for story time, and Jake has to get a treatment, and then it's off to bed.

I miss them.

Strange thing to say. But I feel like Sophie is growing and I'm missing some of it. I hate that. Hate it.

Aloha

50 minute run this morning. I took my "standard" course, which takes me through my neighborhood, down Bouquet to Newhall, then up McBean to the bike trail that runs parallel to Creekside, the road with every single car dealership you can think of. Then I hit Valencia Blvd. Let me tell you, that's the worst stretch of the run. You're running against traffic, so you get all of this wind resistance, and on top of that, there are a lot of trucks and buses that pass by. Yummy, exhaust fumes. Finally, it's back down Bouquet and into the neighborhood for a walk home.

The mornings are starting to get harder. I'm really wracking my brains trying to figure out what I can do to make these early runs easier. I'm stretching after my runs. I'm trying to hydrate myself regularly. There just seems to be so much stuff going on in my head and the fun isn't there like it was a couple of months ago. My friend Jeff (Marsick) suggested I check out a chiropractor. Since he is a chiropractor himself, I think he may know what he's talking about. Unfortunately, I can't go see him because he lives on the east coast.

Still, I've been thinking about seeing good old Dr. Good (his real name) again, Dr. Good is this cool chiropractor I've seen in the past when my back has been bothering me (screwed it up on this LOOOOOOOW budget movie I worked on years ago called "Lifeform". Maybe you've heard of it, it plays on the Sci Fi Channel all of the time, and it stars Ryan Philippe.... I digress).

Anyhow, I like Dr. Good. He's a drummer. We always end up talking about really bad bands of the late 70's and 80's and their drummers... at least, I think the bands are bad. I think I'll give him a call....

This morning proved to be one of those mornings that was more rewarding after I completed the run. About halfway through it, though, I was ready to throw in the towel, again. I took the DeCoro hill in an attempt to do a full 60-minute run. Halfway up the hill, I swear I was going to keel over.

My body is really beginning to feel the change in season. I never really paid attention to it, but this year it's like I can't avoid the Fall's pull. I'm tired and my legs can feel the weather starting to shift.

It's those old football injuries. No seriously, stop laughing. I really did play football when I was a kid. Played right up to the first game of my freshman year of high school. I knew I was going to quit after that year. There were several factors involved: 1. I had stopped growing and suddenly I wasn't taller than everyone, I was shorter... and skinnier. I wasn't going to survive. 2. I was going to have to choose between football and marching band. Although my folks said they'd support me no matter what I chose to do (and I really appreciate them for that), I knew my heart was in music and not getting crushed by guys 150 lbs. heavier (and spending most of my Friday nights on the bench or on Special Teams). 3. I hated most of the guys on the football team anyway. I mean, they called all of my friends (who were in band) "band fags". 4. All of my friends were in band. 5. I was more popular in band (i.e. girls actually liked me). 6. I'd lost the "edge". Stop LAUGHING! See, I was fearless up until that freshman year. Call it a lack of self-confidence, but I used the aggressiveness of football to get out all of my frustrations. And boy, was this a great release. As soon as I began using my drumming as that release, I wasn't that interested in getting knocked around.

Alas, I didn't have to make that choice. I ripped my ACL on my right knee in the first game (1st half, even) and my playing days were done. So my right knee is kind of funky; my left knee, which took the brunt of the wear and tear while I was on crutches, is creaky; and my ankles, both of which I screwed up 9MAJORLY) in pick up games in college, hurt ever now and then.

I'M AN OLD MAN!!!!

How did I get on that rant when I was just talking about my run this morning? I guess my point was that it's getting colder in the mornings and the old body isn't getting warmed up as quickly.

Aye yi yi yi yi! I've lost my train of thought.


Aloha

Oh yeah.

I saw an interesting documentary last night called "Hell House". This church in Texas outs on a haunted house each year in which they depict every day "horrors" for thousands of paying customers. Among their scare tactics are abortion, homosexuality, drugs and suicide.

I hardly agree with what they're trying to preach because I wouldn't call it compassionate (especially their views on homosexuality). However, the film itself is very well done and compelling in that it zeroes in on one particular family and shows how Christianity pulled them through some rough times (a single/divorced father raising four kids, including two that are disabled... now that's a noble).

It's available through Netflix (which is an awesome website).

S

Sunday night.

I just wrote some 500 words and somehow deleted it. DAMN!

Let's try this again, shall we.

Yesterday I ran 12 miles. I was really hurting by the end of the run. My feet were killing me and my legs were really tired. If this is what it's like after just 12... I can't imagine the full marathon. I have some serious questions I need to answer in the next week. First thing I'm going to do is look into new insoles for my shoes. That's a start at least.

Don't know if it was switching from the 3/1 to the 4/1 halfway through, or it was my down mental state, but the end was hard. VERY HARD. This was the first time running that I actually questioned whether I was going to be able to complete this thing. And that doubt has had me pretty upset.

I have a lot going on in my head right now. I feel like there are like all these people wanting something right now. Someone wants this written, and someone wants this other thing put together, plus work, and the family and then the marathon. I'm exhausted before I even get out of bed.

Yet, I constantly feel like I'm not doing enough. I feel like if I say "no" to any one of the people coming at me I'll either miss an opportunity or let someone down.

That's all for now. Not excatly everything I wrote earlier. I guess I'll touch on that tomorrow.

Aloha.

Overslept this morning. Guess I was a little more exhausted than I thought yesterday. Went to bed early, too.

Tomorrow I'll do a light run and some cross training, maybe some yoga.

Kind of a sad day today. My co-workers last day. It'd be different if she were leaving for a new job. That'd be a happy occasion. But as it is, she was laid off. And with her leaving, it only makes me think that my job may be over soon, as well.

When I think about the 5 years I've been at this one PLACE, and that I've seen the same faces for all of that time. There are people who have known me since Sophie was an infant and who were there when Jacob was born.

And the women in this department I work in, well, they were the first people I turned to when I hung up the phone with Julie the day we found out about the CF. They’ll be forever etched in my mind and heart because of that. Kind of like knowing where you were on Sept. 11 or the day the jury came in for the OJ trial.

I look around my cubicle and see these photos of Sophie in the various stages of her life. It breaks my heart to think about not having her being able to come to work with me and sit in the cubicle behind me, pretending that it's HER office and computer and phone. It's at times like this in my life that I feel blessed. I'm blessed that I have a wife who loves me despite my many flaws. And I have two of the most wonderful children a parent could ask for. I'm blessed, despite the CF.

I've been driving around with Springsteen's "New York Serenade" stuck in my head all day, in particularly the last few bars on the piano and the strings that play so beautifully. Can't get it out of my head and it's driving me nuts. I even tried listening to Hall and Oates (Say, say, say, say.... Say it isn't so, so, so...)

That didn't work.

Everything seems up in the air right now. The only thing that grounds me is my family.

Tomorrow is another day. We'll see what it brings.

Aloha

Trying not to fall behind on the blog.

Woke up and ran an easy 40 on Monday, pushed myself a little harder than usual, but it felt good.

Took the day off yesterday, as scheduled. Did some ADR editing last night after work and didn't get home until 1:00am. Yesterday was a bit of a drag because I learned that KH was rejected from that Ohio Film Festival I felt so confident about.

I just don't get what they're looking for.

But, Ryan and Tony both have people interested in seeing it (i.e. distributors) so we have that going for us. Now, we just have to reload it into the computer. See, there was a minor technical glitch the other night and the final edit was erased from our hard drive. Vill was having a heart attack, but I stayed relatively calm as I realized we still had the DV master.

Today I still got up at 5:30 and ran for 50 minutes. I'll tell ya, it's getting pretty darn cold in the mornings! The run started off pretty rough (let's face it, I was tired). But I finished strong. It's a good sign when you want to KEEP running when your time is up. That's how I felt this morning. Felt like I could run a couple more miles.

Jake is fighting another cold or virus. He sounds pretty horse. Sophie woke up all stuffed up too. Funniest thing this morning, Julie comes out of the bedroom carrying Jake and he's wearing Sophie pink heart sunglasses. Seems that when Julie put on her glasses this morning, he HAD to have his on too. That kid's a nut.

Aloha.

The weekend:

Ran 6 miles on Saturday morning. I ran with two people from the City of Hope team. They ran at a little bit of a slower pace than me, but it was nice to meet new people. They did not know what CF is and how it affected its victims, so at least I was able to pass along some information. These two folks were running 8 miles, so I turned around at mile 3.

On the way back, I went for a negative spilt and pushed myself. I didn't make it back any faster, but it was still.... refreshing, I guess is the word, to work it without anyone else around and no headphones on.

The rest of the day Saturday was spent hanging out. We went to the Cruz' for Rebecca's birthday party, and Budd took me to this classic car show the city of Saugus was holding. I didn't think I'd really enjoy looking at old hot rods, but I really dug looking into late 60's, early 70's Chevys (Chevelle).

Budd said I could easily find the money to buy myself one of these cars. I said I'd get myself one of the muscle cars when they find a cure. He smiled and we walked on.

******

On Sunday I watched the Browns get humiliated by the dreaded freakin Ravens (aka the old Browns). I paid $100 for this? Ugh. Fixed the front door and we looked into buying the kids new mattresses. Jacob WILL NOT sleep in his crip anymore. He only goes to sleep in our bed. Greaaaaat.

Had a conference call with those guys about the horror movie and we worked out some ideas. I'm supposed to come up with a treatment in the next couple of days.

That's the weekend update.

Aloha.

S

Final Friday notes...

Steve gave me a call late (for me) Friday night. We had a wonderful heart to heart. We hung up around midnight, three in the morning his time! I miss him.

Someday, when the kids are older, I want to go get Mom and Dad's old Apache trailer and drive around the country, stopping off in many of the locations where we have family. We could stop in Colorado (though, Heidi and George may be living in Arizona by then) and make our way through the south (Florida, Alabama, Georgia and North Carolina). The end of the trip would take us into Ohio (of course).

Steve and his family are embarking on a vacation, but the incoming Hurricane/Tropical Storm may cause delay.

Hope you guys stay try.

Aloha.

Follow-up for Friday...

Got home from work and was greeted by a package from Brian McMahon, old college roommate. Brian and I met freshman year when we were both in the bass drum section together (there were only four of us). That friendship carried over into Kappa Kappa Psi, in which both of us didn't take anything too seriously, and then into our sophomore year when Brian came on board to live with Dan, Brad, Hurley and myself.

I have to say that throughout college, I was closer to Dan than I was to anyone else. But Brian is of Irish and Italian heritage, so once you're in good with him... well, let's just say he takes the word "brotherhood" to heart.

Brian and I have grown closer since graduation and our move out here. He came to visit once and that was great. The one thing that really touched me occurred last year at Bob's wedding. During the reception, he took me outside on to the streets of Cleveland and wanted to know how we (Jules and the family) were doing. And he asked heartfelt questions about how Jake was doing and how we were hanging in there. I have to say, this type of concern surprised me, not because it was Brian, but because no one had ever really taken me aside like that and posed the questions in that way. From that night on, I've really tried to keep contact with Brian.

That's the back-story. When I got home on Friday, Julie handed me this wonderful, touching letter from Brian. He had decided that he wanted to help and he collected over $1100 for the marathon. I was blown away. Far and beyond the call of duty, Mr. McMahon.

I am constantly being blown away by how much support and help I am receiving on this fundraiser. I am blessed on that end.

Aloha

Sorry I didn't write yesterday. I ran a good 4 1/2 miles in the morning and even felt up enough to lift some weights while Sophie was doing some artwork at the kitchen table. All before 7:00 am.

The rest of the day was typical up and down for me. Work was pretty mellow, but then I learned that KH wasns't accepted to another film festival. I shouldn't be depressed, but when people keep telling me they like it and we can?t get our foot in the door anywhere?. Sheesh.

I would have written an entry last night but I didn't get home until close to 1:00am. We did one last ADR session (I swear) and I had a meeting with Ryan and the director of the horror movie they want me to write.

Got home, fed the cats, went to bed.

This morning was one of those mornings in which I felt guilty leaving the house. Not because Jules was making me feel that way. Hardly. Instead, I just feel crappy when I come home late at night and then have to get up and rush to work the next morning. I know she's tired and stressed.

Jacob is in this phase in which he doesn't want to eat anything. So not only are we facing the challenges of trying to feed a typical 2 year old, but also we're worried he's not getting everything his body needs to stay healthy (thanks to the CF). I think I've mentioned this before.

I'll admit I never reread anything I write in here. It's kind of stream of consciousness. So, if I repeat myself on certain things, sorry.

Looking forward to the weekend. The Cruz family is having a birthday party for their daughter, Rebecca, so we have that to go to tomorrow. Our long run in the morning is only 6 miles. It's called a recovery run.

Wait a minute, did I just say "only" six miles. Listen to me, thinking I'm Steve Prefontaine or something.

Aloha.

Ran 55 minutes this morning and decided to take that Decoro hill again. They say that Decoro Hill is one bad mother fu---- shut your mouth. Just talkin’ ‘bout the Decoro hill. We can dig it.

Okay, enough with the Shaft references. The run was a good one. Started out with a 4/1 ratio and worked my way into a 5/1 by the end of the run. I really got a lot out of running with Robert last week. It was great picking his mind for the 2 hours we were on the road.

Got some bad news about Rebecca. Her foot injury is worse than we expected and she won’t be running with us for the next three weeks. She’s still determined to run the marathon, though. That takes guts. My friend Wes, who is running for AIDS LA, has also been getting over a leg injury. It’s pretty cool when we get on the phone and we don’t talk about work or animation. To actually have an interest in running that someone else has, and to be able to give information back and forth, I find that pretty cool.

Talked with Cousin Dave about the hats some more. We’re working on a new slogan for the back of the floppy hats. We both felt that a hat that said “Team CF” and “Jacob’s Team” would sound a little redundant. Right now, the frontrunner is “Jogging for Jake”. If anyone has any ideas, please feel free to email them to me before Friday.

(Of course, no one will email me, but, what the hey, I thought I’d give it a try.)

Today was actually a pretty good day. I would like to think that not every day, or week, will sound as depressing as I have been writing the past week or so. I guess we all have our ups and downs.

That horror script appears to be “on” again. And I’ve had some interest from a couple people to see “King’s Highway”. Little things like that can really change your day, you know. Just a little validation is all that I’m asking.

Okay, that’s it for tonight.

Aloha.

What ever good feelings we had going into the weekend were pretty much gone by last night as we both tried to get to sleep and deal with our ongoing concerns with living as parents of a child with CF. This nagging fear of what we’d do if I lose my job and how we’d manage care for Jacob (let alone Sophie) has created a pretty good size pit in my stomach. And Julie was just plain sick of waiting for the results of Jake’s culture and blood tests which we should receive this coming Friday.

We went to church twice yesterday. One was the regular service, the second, in the evening, was for “Rally” day, basically a social gathering they have each year to kind of get families back in the habit of going to church. Going to church is something I’ve been doing more out of habit and out of a search for answers. I have been done a spiritually challenged road ever since Jacob was born. I have questioned why God would inflict such a horrible disease on an innocent child. I have never been satisfied with the “God has plans” answer. It doesn’t cut it for me.

I do believe that, yes, we were chosen to raise a child with a terrible illness. I believe that we’re strong people and that we’re resilient. I believe that we’re full of love and will raise him to be the best he can possibly be. Blah, blah, blah. I’d like to believe that any parent would be that way. But, alas, I know that that isn’t true.

I have been content to travel this path on my own, trying to keep Jules off this road. But I now know that she, too, is having something of a spiritual crisis of her own. And I don’t know what to do for her. I could tell her to pray, but I would feel a little hypocritical. I don’t have any answer for her because I have yet to find the answer myself.

So you can see how getting up at five in the morning was pretty damn hard to do this morning. Running without the mental blocks was pretty hard. It was a pretty lame run and I barely ran, like, 2 miles. Usually I’d chalk this up as one of those “Monday” morning runs, when my body’s still trying to remember what it’s like to run again, but it wasn’t that. No, it was everything that’s weighing on us that was causing my legs to get tired and my lungs to resign.

I could be describing what it’s like being a parent raising a child with CF. There are many mornings when you wake up, thinking you’re ready for the challenges that face you. Like running, you know what you’re supposed to do. It’s a routine. You run down the street, around the corner, down the bike path and then on home…. And you get up, give some enzymes, hope that your kid decides to eat this morning, and then give him breathing treatments and try and be a good parent.

I guess, like any good jog, you’re going to stumble and possibly even fall on your face on occasion. It’s just so much more difficult to get on your feet when it’s the CF, as opposed to a skinned knee.

It’s very tiresome. You never get any rest from it. The disease is always there. And that is the most taxing thing about it all. Unlike, say, cancer, which can go into remission, CF is always there, lurking in the shadows. Waiting to pounce.

I want to positive. I want to have hope and be the optimist again. But that feeling that “everything’s going to work out” is so foreign to me now. I can barely remember what it’s like to feel that way.

Now it’s just “wait and see”.

10 miles this morning. We met down at the Marina and, with just a group of four; we took off on our course. It was great with the small group because Robert, our coach, ran the 10 with us. It was cool to hear what he had to say and to be able to keep his pace. We finished under 2 hours, which I think is pretty darn good. I didn't have enough for breakfast, though, and I was starving by the time we completed the run. Besides having a larger breakfast, I'm going to begin bringing something to graze on during the long run, raisins or nuts or a Power Bar.

Running on a different surface was a new challenge as well. On the Pasadena course, we're on a good mix of sand, dirt and asphalt. Down by the beach, it's all asphalt. My legs were pretty tired by the end. I also believe that skipping my cross train day yesterday affected my performance as well. This is something I have to keep in mind as we get closer to the marathon. Some sort of workout for my legs will be vital the day before.

I've gotten to learn my body pretty well in the past month and a half. I'm pretty impressed with that.

It was a strange experience being down by Venice Beach this morning. I can't remember the last time we've been there. It's such an unusual, crazy hangout for people of all different walks of life. I bet it was before Sophie was born that we went down there. I can't imagine going down there with the kids. I would be too paranoid about their protection to really enjoy myself. There are way too many unstable people in that place.

Jules and I have talked about what I will do should I get laid off from Klasky Csupo. This week I'll explore my options of getting a masters or at least teaching credentials. That is the one occupation I've always talked about doing if I wasn't pursuing my movie career. It's not that I'm giving up pursuing the movies, but I have to have something stable to make sure the kids are taken care of.

That's all for now. Big Ohio news was that Bowling Green (my alma mater) defeated Purdue in football this afternoon. Purdue is ranked and BG is not. This is a great victory for the team and I can only imagine how insane it may be on campus right now for football fans.

S

Ran 4 miles yesterday. My legs were like logs, tired from pushing myself so hard on Wednesday. But I don't regret it. I like having at least one hard day in my training. Makes me feel like I'm really working it. I took the Decoro hill, that one I wrote about a month ago. It's killer going up, but I know it will help out for the marathon.

Didn't do anything this morning. No weights. No bike. No yoga. The body ached and I knew it didn't want to do anything. So, I listened.

Tomorrow we're running at a different course, down by the marina. We're supposed to run 10 miles. On one hand, it will be cool not to have to take the treacherous hills of the Pasadena course (which we never end up running, just walking); on the other hand, not knowing the course adds something of a mental burden that can be very taxing.

Steve's folks sent a nice donation and a wonderful letter that I received yesterday. I'm about $450 from my goal. I can't believe I'm going to make it so soon. I only hope that more of the people I sent letters to respond. I have to get on that 2nd letter to send out. There are a lot of people who may have already forgotten.

Also have to get on those "Thank you" cards.

Kind of a crappy day at work. One of my co-workers was laid off. Besides the fact that it sucks she was let go, I know that my job may be on the line, as well. Not sure what the hell I'm going to do if that happens. I already talked about his, but I really don't know what I'm qualified to do. I've practically spent 10 years as an assistant and trying to write.

I feel like I've chosen the wrong career move time and time again, and yet I chose those moves for the better of my family.

Better start working on my resume.

Ran a hard 4 miles this morning. It felt good. Having those 3 days to sleep in had an effect on my body, though; I couldn't get up at 5:30 when the clock went off. Woke up at 6:15 and ran without anything in my stomach. I don't know whether that was too smart, but I found myself pushing harder just to get home and eat something.

Not having a great day overall.

Don’t know what my deal is, I'm in a funk today. I feel like my world is passing me by, that I'm stuck where I am and that I'll never achieve the kind of success I've always dreamed about.

Why do I get this way? I just wish I could sit back and say "Hey, you made a movie that's been well received." But then I think, "But people in Maine can't see it and it doesn't get into any festivals."

I should be able to sit back and say, "I have two wonderful children, a wife who loves me, and I have a steady job." But it doesn't have anything to do with that. I've invested so much time and energy into achieving this damn dream that whenever there is a lull, I feel let down. I feel like a failure. Ridiculous. There are people freaking dying out there and I'M WORRIED ABOUT MAKING MOVIES... again.

Pathetic.

I think it's this creative restlessness I have brewing inside. I want to write something, but it can't come out fast enough. And I don't have the energy to write a while script in one night. Or even a short story.

Jake had an appointment at Children's yesterday. This was his first checkup in 67 weeks. He gained 3/4 of a pound. Wait a minute; did I just write 3/4 of a POUND?? He didn't even gain a pound? And the doctors were pleased with what he'd gained.

3/4 of a pound.

This is what it's going to be like. The little guy is really going to be just that, little. I swear to God that if anyone ever makes fun of his size I'll find them and kick their ass. On a brighter note, he grew in height and is now, barely, in the lower third percentile for children his age. He, like, just made it on the line.

I have this CF related story I've been developing for about six months. It just kind of came to me suddenly and a lot of the elements seem to be falling into place. Should this be the next thing I work on? I don't know.

I've been questioning what I’m really supposed to do with myself. I used to think that God gave me these gifts of writing for a reason. I felt that I was supposed to use these gifts to make the world a better place. Is this what he's telling me? Write about the CF? Write about something human and shy away from the genre stuff?

A sign. That's all I'm asking for. Something simple to lift me up again.

S

Labor Day. I’ll be honest, I’m not sure what this holiday is all about, but I appreciate the day off.

Ran 40 easy minutes this morning. Slept in a little, though. It has been nice having a couple of days in which I didn’t have to rise at the crack of dawn. I don’t run tomorrow, so that will make three days in a row. I’m trying to get back into my limited weight training routine. Pushups, situps, some curls and rows. Nothing monumental, but enough to provide some additional power when comes time to get through the last six miles. I heard somewhere that a marathon is only a six mile run… the last six miles.

After my run we went out for breakfast at the local IHOP about a mile away from us. When we were explaining to Sophie where we were going to eat, Jules said, “Remember when we went to the beach (Santa Barbara) and we went out to breakfast with the pancakes? It’s that place.”

Sophie replied, “But that’s a long drive.”

She’s so smart.

The rest of the day was spent with, yes, that frickin’ screen door I’m trying to get up. My neighbor, Larry, came over and spent two hours with me sanding and planning the damn thing. Then, Vill helped me chip away space for the hinges. I didn’t feel like I accomplished much.

Maybe I’m too hard on myself. Two weeks ago, during the 8 miles run, Beth (my teammate) told me I was too hard on myself. And she’s only known me for, like, a month. Am I?

I get restless. I expect to accomplish so much, and I feel like time is running out.

Jake has an appointment at the CF clinic tomorrow.

S

Sunday night and we’ve just returned from the Dodgers game. What a great night. We bought tickets online this afternoon and got to the game just as the National Anthem was being sung (about 5:10). The thing I like about Dodgers Stadium is that no matter where you sit you can see the game really well. The seats are very steep, but it makes up for it by giving everyone a great sight line. Our $6 seats were 5 rows from the top of the stadium. But it was really awesome. We sat in the shade and we were close to concessions. Plus, the game went really fast, with a run scoring 7th inning for the Dodgers.

With a 3 run lead in the 9th, Eric Gagne, the Dodgers unstoppable closer came in to the sound of G’n’R’s “Welcome to the Jungle”. I actually got chills. T was just a really cool sp[orts moment. Makes me want to kick myself that we haven’t gone to more games in the past. Steve always tells me hgow envious he is that we live in a city with a major league baseball team. Now that we know that the cheap seats are great, I think we’ll be attending more games in the future. Sophie likes going to them, too (more for the 7th inning stretch and the tradition of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”, but hey, it still gets us through most of the game, right?)

We drove home jammin’ to the Boss, all of us singing along to the tape I made Sophie months ago. To complete the night, I got a bootleg Dodgers cap for five bucks as we drove into the parking lot. I think I may have finally become a Dodgers fan tonight., it only took me nine years.

The rest of the weekend has been a mixed bag. Yesterday I ran 9 miles. The run felt great. The mental hurdle of doing 8 last week was gone. It really was like “Lord of the Rings”. I just needed to step over that line of the farthest I’d gone. I have no doubt I’ll be able to run the marathon. And the run felt great, too. When we finished, I checked out the times of the other runners who are doing a 4/1 and we were only 4 minutes behind them. So, we must be doing well.

The key to getting through the day was taking a nap halfway through the day. I was close to falling asleep at lunchtime. By about 1:30, Sophie and I laid down together and I was out like that. But, man, it really revived me for the end of the day. We went over to Budd and Karyn’s to watch a “drive-in” movie. One of their neighbors projected a kids movie on their garage for all of the neighborhood kids. It was really neat. It was like the childhood dream of growing up in a neighborhood that I always wanted.

The night got weird for me when we took out Jake’s vest and did his breathing treatment. It brought me down REAL fast. Budd and I had been high from watching the OSU Washington game, but the minute we brought out the vest… I got very sad. It was like, having them see it… I can’t describe it, really. It’s like, while it’s in our home, we can deal with it and it’s like part of OUR lives. But as soon as we showed it to someone else, then it makes it more real. I don’t know if that makes senses. The same thing happened the first time we took Jake’s breathing machine with us on a trip. Having everyone kind of stare at it in wonder makes me feel… sad.

I wish a day could go by, just one day, in which we didn’t have to think about it. I mean, we’ll always have to think about it, but I wish there was just some sort of escape from it when we’re outside the house. That’ll never happen, though, will it?

Look forward to having tomorrow off and hanging our new screen door. I predict I will be cursing it out within the first hour.


S

It's getting late and I want to get to bed, but I have to make an entry. Today I received a donation from my sister, Beth, and her family in Columbus, Ohio. Are you ready for this? $1000. I nearly lost it when Julie told me. And when I say lost it, I nearly cried in the middle of our phone conversation.

Beth and I have always had a strange relationship. She's a writer, too (and a good one, I should add) so we have that kind of creative energy inside of us. She's definitely the most spiritual person in our entire family, and she's always been one of my biggest supporters, whether it is a movie I'm shooting, or a marathon I'm training to run in. Beth contributed to the budgets of both "Mind's Eye" and "King's Highway". That $3000 I talk about, yeah, well, $1000 came from her.

Sometimes it's hard for us because she's 6 years older than me and a thousand miles away. And while we don't always see eye to eye, I love her. I'll be honest; there were a couple of years in which everyone in my family wasn't getting along. We were all nagging at each other. But I think having children of our own has really changed each and every one of us. Since she had her wonderful little boy, Zyg, Beth has become a much more relaxed person. I've noticed how so many things just kind of roll of her back these days. She is a great, great mom, and I'm not just saying that because I'm writing about her in this blog and she may read it (and if you are reading it, "hey, Beth"). She is teaching her son to be tolerant and teaching how to be a good human being. She told me something once that I know I'm going to apply to raising Jacob. She said that it's a big challenge in today's society to raise a son. You have to teach them to respect girls and women, which is difficult in a society that objectifies women as sex objects and expendable.

Important lesson.

Thank you Beth for the awesome donation. I've surpassed the minimum amount that needed to be raised and I'm close to achieving my goal of $5000.

******

Ran for 45 minutes today, about 4 miles (a little over). My right knee is giving me some trouble. My T- band to be exact. Really have to make an effort to stretch AFTER I run. Haven't been doing that enough.

No news on the EL CHARRO script. Still waiting to hear back from the producers. Spoke with Seann again this morning and he's moving ahead with organizing a screening of KH at BGSU.

Now, it's off to bed.

S

The day started with a 55 minute run. I tried to push myself a little this morning. I changed my intervals to 5/1, just to test my endurance a little. It felt okay, though my knees bothered me for the first time in many weeks. Don't know if that had something to do with me altering my routine or not. Felt good by the end, though, and I'm just a little tired now.

As I was about to walk out the door, my brother in law, Seann (Julie's youngest sibling) called to discuss the possibilities of me screening King's Highway at Bowling Green (BGSU), where he attends school, and from where I just happen to be an alumnus. I had jokingly said to him a couple of weeks ago that we do a fundraiser by having me fly out there and screen the movie. And here he has started making arrangements. I'm thrilled. Not only could we raise some more money, but also it would be new exposure for the movie. Plus I could invite several of my friends from my BGSU days and show them what I've been up to. I have to call him this weekend with a week in October that would work best. Pretty exciting, though.

I spent part of the day revising my first script called Finding the Way, which I wrote back in the mid 90's. It's an ensemble piece like Dazed and Confused that looks back on my high school days in the late 80's. I edited it a bit and fixed several formatting errors. Essentially I had to reread the whole thing in order to make the changes. I was surprised at how much I still like that one. God, I must have rewritten it four or five times, nothing like I do now. I'm lucky if I do a 3rd draft these days. Perhaps that is why I like FTW better than anything else I've written in a while. Anyway, I sent it, along with the scripts for King's Highway, The Mind's Eye and Soulless to my friend that I had lunch with on Monday. Again, I am trying not to get my hopes up.

Jake is doing so much better. Hardly a cough. What a relief. Julie has a friend (also named Julie) whose son was diagnosed with pseudomonas several months back. His name is Cooper, and he's younger than Jake. They've had a lot of medical issues with Cooper, a lot rougher times than we've experienced. They did a throat culture on Cooper today and they found no traces of the dreaded pseudomonas (God, I know I'm spelling that wrong. I really should know how to spell the names of harmful bacteria). This is a small blessing. I pray that the rest of the year goes smoother for this little boy.

Finally, I spoke with Cousin Dave (another BGSU alum, and my freshman roommate) about hats this afternoon. He’s working with me in having Team CF hats made for the runners and anyone who wants to show their support for us. I've received samples the past couple of days and I chose two different styles that I think will be really stylish and also practical for the runners. Anyone who reads this that is interested in buying one of the hats, we'll be selling them for $10 starting in September. Email me and I'll put one aside for you.

See, every day isn't all gloom and doom on the old Malchus blog. Now, if I could just get those damn cats to stop dropping loads in our front flowerbed, life would be harmonious.

S

Tuesday night and I'm at home enjoying a beer that I brewed myself and some quiet time before I delve back into an old script and begin yet another revision....

Actually, I'm chewing on this beer that I brewed six months ago. There is so much sediment in this bottle that I'll have to brush my teeth afterwards just to get the grit off. But I digress.

Today was a rest day, so I did not run or cross train. I actually slept in this morning after staying up late to watch "Punch-Drunk Love". Adam Sandler is really good in it. I'm curious to see what he does next dramatically. He definitely has some range (never thought I'd hear myself say that).

Spend part of the day stressing over my job. The company is making more cuts and I never feel like I'm safe from the axe. It's a stressful dilemma for anyone, but compounded more by the fact that we need the benefits so badly. I can't imagine trying to pay for all of the medication without insurance. Or, trying to pay for the insurance without a company to cover some of the costs. It's probably my biggest worry when it comes to my job.

Today I really felt like, "Damn, did I make the right decision coming out here?" I mean, if I were a teacher, would I be faced with this fear of cutbacks on a regular basis. This is really a messed up situation because the entertainment industry is not a stable job industry to begin with. And I've known that since day one. Especially for writers; that is, writers who are getting paid to write. I dream of the day when someone wants ME to write a script for them. But would I be able to quit this job? Not unless they're paying a lot of money.

Met with a friend of mine yesterday who is a voice over agent. We'll call him Wes (because, you know, that's his name). Anyway, Wes is going to send a couple of my scripts to a friend of his who is a manager. He doesn't promise anything. To be honest, I don't expect anything to happen. I've gotten so used to being turned down I feel like I'm in 7th grade again. Her name was Liz Gray and I.... er, never mind.

I'm trying to figure out what scripts to send. I know "King's Highway" will be one of them, and of course "The Mind's Eye". Should I send 2 more? And what should they be? I know from my experience on "King's Highway" that my work will appeal to people, but reading is subjective. I guess I'll send "Finding the Way" (my 80's high school script) and "Soulless" (homage to Carpenter movies w/ a clone twist) and we'll go from there. What harm can be done? If they say no thanks, well, I've heard that before.

Supposed to meet with Ryan and other El Charro gang on Thursday to go over what will probably be a page 1 rewrite. At the moment I'm not too thrilled, but I'll wait to see what they show me.

On that note, I'll say goodnight.

Wouldn't it be nice if I weren’t so down all the time? Here's a positive note to end on: I got a wonderful email from my good friend Brian McMahon today. Brian and I were college roommates and had several adventures in college. I almost burned down our apartment in his room. And I reestablished contact with another college friend, Brody McDonald, who starred in my senior film.

There, doesn't that fell better. All nice and cheery.


S

The 8 miles went well on Saturday. I discovered that waiting two days between runs is too much. My legs were way tired when I started running and it took, like, 2 miles to get loose. Never did find my stride, though. Beth definitely sets a faster pace when it's just the two of us.

This morning I ran an "easy" 40, which essentially meant get your butt on the street for 40 minutes. Hopefully, Wednesday will be much smoother.'

I have to start my follow up letter. Donations have tapered off... actually they've stopped completely. Need to work on that.

That's all for now. A relatively mellow weekend. Jake is feeling better. I haven't spoken to Jules today, but he didn't cough when I was with him this morning, so let's pray he's out of the woods.

Okay, here's my bit about Springsteen. Hopefully it won't come off like some kind of Eric Alterman/Backstreets Magazine fanatical rant, but here's what I have to say...

When Bruce Springsteen's "The Rising" came out in the summer of 2002, the nation was still reeling from the terrorist attacks on NY and DC. His album, using images and emotions tied to Sept. 11 is full of hope, loss, redemption and the affirmation of life. It's a remarkably crafted album and I consider it one of his finest.

At that time in our lives, we were still coming to terms with Jacob's diagnosis. It had been over 6 months, but many of the emotions I was dealing with (or trying not to deal with) were still under the surface. I had my game face on. Then I bought this album.

"The Rising" proved to be a cathartic listening experience for me. So many of the emotions I had bottled up were released when I listened to songs like "Lonesome Day", "Nothing Man" and "Into the Fire". And one song in particular became my song to Julie. The upbeat melody countered the lyrics that seemed to be talking about life in the Malchus house. That song is "Waitin' On A Sunny Day". Here are the lyrics:

It's rainin' but there ain't a cloud in the sky
Musta been a tear from your eye
Everything'll be okay
Funny thought I felt a sweet summer breeze
Musta been you sighin' so deep
Don't worry we're gonna find a way

I'm waitin', waitin' on a sunny day
Gonna chase the clouds away
Waitin' on a sunny day

Without you I'm workin' with the rain fallin' down
Half a party in a one dog town
I need you to chase the blues away
Without you I'm a drummer girl that can't keep a beat
And ice cream truck on a deserted street
I hope that you're coming to stay

I'm waitin', waitin' on a sunny day
Gonna chase the clouds away
Waitin' on a sunny day

Hard times baby, well they come to tell us all
Sure as the tickin' of the clock on the wall
Sure as the turnin' of the night into day
Your smile girl, brings the mornin' light to my eyes
Lifts away the blues when I rise
I hope that you're coming to stay

Before this album came out I was already a Springsteen nut. Borderline psychotic. Oh, I wasn't above being critical ("Human Touch", anyone?) But he really could do no wrong as an artist. I have always been a lover of music. My mom raised me listening to the Broadway hits of the 70's. I used to ride around in grocery carts singing the songs from "Chorus Line" and "Chicago". And rock and roll became my escape, just like so many adolescent boys. I didn't discover Springsteen until I went to college. Once I started paying attention to what he was saying, though, I couldn't stop spinning his records (remember those) and playing his cd's.

An interesting thing happened in February. CBS aired an hour long Springsteen concert special which I recorded because I knew we'd being putting the kids down. As I was setting the VCR, Sophie asked what I was taping. When I told her, she told me she wanted to watch the "Springsteen" the next morning. Thinking there was no way she'd give up the "Rugrats" for a 50 year old rocker, I said yes. The first thing she asked to watch the next morning was.... “Rugrats�. But the next thing she wanted watch was, yes, the Springsteen "Rising" concert.

She loved it! Especially Soozie Tyrell, the violin player. Sophie would take a recorder she had, pull off the bottom piece and shove a drumstick in the end. This gave her a "violin". And with the other drum stick, she'd play along with all of the songs. On that same morning, I decided to try and watch the tape while giving Jake his breather. He only likes watching music videos during his breathing treatments (i.e. The Wiggles... or "WiWi's" as he says... and Sesame Street). You can imagine the pride that shot through me as he sat still for all of the songs. My God, there's nothing better in life than seeing your children latch on to the same fanatical things you appreciate. (That's a little much, huh?)

I have infected my family with Bruce-mania. Julie and I were married to a Springsteen song ("Book of Dreams"). Jacob loves jumping up and down to "Dancing in the Dark". My daughter knows who the freakin' Big Man is and knows about the changes made uptown when he joined the band. How cool is that.

Many (most) of you must think I'm a freak. But this music is my release. It helps me escape my problems and also deal with them. I can cry openly to a Springsteen song and no one will think I'm strange. And when you understand how much his music has impacted my life, particularly in the past year, you then get an idea of how powerful Sunday's concert was to me.

There were many factors that made this concert so special. I was with my brother. It was a glorious, outdoor summer concert. Our seats were great. But most importantly, it was just a good show. No big messages. A great mix of powerful, emotional songs combined with garage band rockers. It was one of those nights where I knew what songs he would play for sure, had an idea of what songs he'd probably play, and was still surprised. When I got home, I wrote down some notes. These four stuck out at me (mind you, most of my notes were "Max was on fire tonight" and "Nils was awesome!")
Anyway...

"Darlington County": I made Sophie her own Springsteen tape and this is one of the tunes on it. The day of the show, we were doing errands and this song was playing in the van. She asked me if Bruce (she calls him Bruce now) would play this one. I didn't think so, but I said, "Maybe, Soph." As soon as I heard the guitar lick, I couldn't help but think of my little girl.

"Empty Sky": Halfway through this moving number about the twin towers, Budd leaned in to me and said, "I can't believe it's almost been two years." I read several "legitimate" reviews the day after the show and they all were disappointed for Springsteen's lack of "messages" to the crowd. I think this here is a perfect example that the music did the talking.

"You're Missing": I openly wept. Such a haunting, sad song about loss. I could only think of all of the families who have lost a child to CF. And I thought of my son.

"Waitin' On A Sunny Day": The only thing that could have made this song better is if my wife and kids had been there to sing it with me.


That's enough about Bruce Springsteen. This entry is WAY too long. I hope you all get where I'm coming from and don't think I'm too nuts. It may be a little late for that, huh?


Scott

Rode the bike this morning. Looking forward to the 8 mile run tomorrow. Rebecca won't be there because she twisted her ankle. Expecting the hat samples from Dave early next week, that's kind of exciting, too.

Jake still has that nasty cough, though I just got off the phone with him and he sounds like he isn't even sick. He can say surprise, now ("SUh-Pise"). Sophie had a great day at Pre School. I'm so proud of how well she's doing, even though it's been one week. Still, she loves it. I think it's good for her because she's finally with kids her own age.

Didn’t run this morning. I was too tired. Opted for some Yoga instead. Yesterday I did 40 minutes. I didn’t run my usual route. I think I pushed myself too hard on Tuesday and I certainly felt it.

Jake is doing better. Though, he has this nasty cough. A friend of mine at Klasky Csupo told me that he had a friend of his pass away from CF recently. She was 25. Every time Jake coughs, that entered my mind.

I’m trying to stop living with this cloud hanging over my head. I’m trying to focus on how well Jake is doing. I’m trying to stop thinking about death and telling myself that he’s not going to die, not from CF anyway. It’s hard.

I want to be optimistic. I used to call myself that, an optimist. Now I live in the NOW. I want to believe that a cure is coming and that he’s going to beat this thing. But there’s this weight sitting on my chest that makes it difficult to believe those things.

I pray to God that this passes and that I can grasp on to the hope that everyone else has. For now, it’s just about getting through the day.

Listen to me, what a poor little baby. I’m not the one with the disease.

Positive thoughts.

Ran this morning after yesterday’s, shall we say, self induced sickness.

I did 4 miles in a little over 40 minutes using a 4 / 1 run walk pace. Felt good. I have to run at least 2 more times this week. I must admit that I'm a little nervous about the 8 miles on Saturday. I don't know why. I've done 7 before (without using the run / walk). Anyway, I’m sure it will be fine. The new shoes felt great and after about 10 minutes I got used to the running belt and the water bottle on my back.

Jake has a nasty cold. His doctors put him on antibiotics yesterday, so now he gets another oral med in the morning. For any of you who are parents, you know how heartbreaking it is to hear your sick child crying. This morning Jules was putting him in the Vest and he just had that "Mom, why do we have to do this" kind of cry going on. I didn't want to leave for work when I heard that. I wanted to scoop him up and hold him. I don't know how Julie does it all day.

That's all for now.

S

It's been several days since I last wrote. I finished that script last Tuesday (and promptly mowed off all of the growth on my face). Because I write long hand, I then had to endure typing the entire thing. I finally completed typing it yesterday morning.

In the process I sacrificed a couple of entries and skipped a day of running. I'll tell you, one day between running is good, two is murder. My body did NOT want to get up and run last Thursday.

We ran 6 miles this past Saturday and our team of 3 (Beth, Rebecca and myself) decided that we would run the marathon as a team and finish as a team. To me, that's the whole point of training together. So, when we all get to Hawaii, we'll be able to motivate one another all the way to the finish line.

We run 8 miles this week. I'm a little anxious. This will definitely be the farthest I’ve ever run. I kind of feel like Sam in "Lord of the Rings" (the movie) when he stops in the fields and says to Frodo, "This is the farthest I've ever been..."

Picked up some new shoes that I’m stoked to try out. Guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow. Springsteen was last night and I opted to sleep in (and sleep off those beers I drank). The show was awesome. More on that later.

Sophie began pre-school this morning and the fear Julie and I had that she would have a real hard time were put to rest by Sophie. She did SOOO well at school today. I'm so proud of her.

Poor Jake woke up in the middle of the night with a nasty, croup sounding cold. Of course, any time he gets a cold is cause for worry. A cold can turn into something worse so quickly for anyone with CF, especially little kids. He seems to be doing better by midday. Think good thoughts.

S

For those of you wondering where I came up with the title of my blog....

"If I Should Fall Behind"
lyrics by Bruce Springsteen

We said we'd walk together baby come what may
That come the twilight should we lose our way
If as we're walkin a hand should slip free
I'll wait for you
And should I fall behind
Wait for me

We swore we'd travel darlin' side by side
We'd help each other stay in stride
But each lover's steps fall so differently
But I'll wait for you
And if I should fall behind
Wait for me

Now everyone dreams of a love lasting and true
But you and I know what this world can do
So let's make our steps clear that the other may see
And I'll wait for you
If I should fall behind
Wait for me

Now there's a beautiful river in the valley ahead
There 'neath the oak's bough soon we will be wed
Should we lose each other in the shadow of the evening trees
I'll wait for you
And should I fall behind
Wait for me
Darlin' I'll wait for you
Should I fall behind
Wait for me

******

Something about this song feels so right in terms of running as a team, and about life in general.

S

My friend Joan Considine Johnson is a writer on the television series, DOC (on the PAX network and starring country singer Billy Ray Cyrus), and she wrote an episode that featured a storyline about CF. She sent me a tape (with a donation), which Jules and I watched last night. I'm being lazy, so I'm just going to paste the email I sent to Joan right here:

**************

Joan,

We received your donation and the DOC tape yesterday. Thank you so much for helping out.

Julie and I watched the episode you sent last night and I thought it was very good. I like this show. I wish I watched it more. Nice job on the script, too. I like how all of the story lines had a connection. The teacher who suffered a great loss in her life ties in with the nurse and the loss she felt. The theme of parenthood between the nurse and the lawyer related to how the cop and his wife handled their son's predicament. And of course, all of this, loss and parenthood tied into the girl with CF, who has lost both parents and must now face her own mortality.

It must have been tough trying to explain so much CF info in an hour program, and still stay within the confines of your structured series. "7th Heaven" did an episode about CF this year, too. One of the leads has a stepsister with CF and they featured said sister as the character on the show with CF. I’ll be honest, I liked the way DOC did their show better.

(On a side note, the only reason I even watch "7th Heaven" is because the lead from my movie had a reoccurring role the past two seasons).

There were two things that really struck me about the episode, being a parent with a child who has CF.

1. I felt that the girl was a little old just now learn she had CF. Although I've heard of varying cases of the disease, for as sick as she was supposed to be. And actually, she didn't seem that sick to me to have pneumonia. I realize this is nitpicking (and I really liked the young actresses performance, otherwise). Again, this is just what I felt.

2. The story that the nurse tells Bill Ray about her brothers seemed very heartfelt. What brought me to tears was her telling him that as her second brother got sicker and sicker, she was able to understand and realize that he might die. And I immediately thought about my daughter, Sophie. She is so close to her baby brother and loves him so much. She ism protective (like most big sisters of brothers), but she's also so aware that something is different with his "sixty five roses". I can't bear to imagine what pain she may feel someday if...

I don't even want to write it.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Take them with a grain of salt. Congratulations with the show. It's nice that there is still programming out there that the whole family can watch together, and with quality writing, too.

S

*******************

Finishing off this posting, it's strange because I can be cynical when I watch TV, and there were moments when I was watching the opening of this episode I was like, "Oh, this is so...." Don't get me wrong; I really DO like the show. It's just easy to pick on a series that is trying to be wholesome (like the PAX network promotes). Anyway, my point is, and Julie said the same thing, that the moment Billy Ray Cyrus reveals that this teenage girl has CF my heart broke. Julie said she wanted to cry. We knew what the plot was, but it didn't matter. I guess it's probably hard for some people to understand unless they've been faced with a similar situation in their lives.

There is a song in the show sung by country singer Tammy Cochran called "Angels in Waiting". In the episode of Doc, Tammy plays the nurse who lost her brothers to CF. I guess in reality, Tammy also lost brothers to CF. The song is heartbreaking.

S

The weekends seem to be the most difficult time to sit down and write. The whole day kind revolves around spending time with the kids and doing whatever housework needs to get done. The nighttime is generally the only time Jules and I get to spend together. However, since I'm working on this script, we didn't even get to do that.

On Saturday we ran 5 miles as a team. Beth, the latest edition to the CF team, ran with Rebecca and me. She completed a half marathon a couple of weeks ago, so she's got a little more experience than me. She sets a good pace, so I think it will be good to run with her. We had to run up this gnarly hill... treacherous is more like it. Besides going straight up, I thought the thing was completely unsafe to run down. There were so many rocks (BIG rocks) that one slip could have meant stitches.

Listen to me, complaining like a big baby.

The run walk method is really working out. Those five miles we ran on Saturday were easier than any of the 5 mile runs I've done on my own. My legs didn't feel like they were about to melt and I wasn't completely wasted after the run. This is a good thing.

The rest of the weekend was spent doing some much needed shopping (I finally got some new running attire), going out to eat at BJ's (which is a supporter of CF. If you've never been there, the food is AWESOME... the beer ain't too bad either), and taking in a freed Canned Heat concert at the park.

You know, Canned Heat. I'm not the only one who has heard of them, am I. "On the road again"... "Up to the country"... Man, I feel old, and I wasn't even alive during Woodstock.

Yesterday's sermon at church was inspiring. I was moved to tears. Pastor Stan discussed how we are all given gifts and we should use these gifts to better the world. Sounds very simple, but when you show clips from "Dumbo", man, you're tugging on the heartstrings. I couldn't help thinking about Jake and what he may have to offer down the line. And I couldn't help thinking that I should be writing about something more important than a Mexican ghost haunting a college student.

This "El Charro" script has been an ordeal for me. I feel so uninspired, and when I finally sit down to write, I feel like the biggest hack on earth. This could be the worst thing I've ever written. I don't feel proud about that. I take pride in my writing, even if it's genre material. I just feel like I haven't had enough time.

I've been so impatient lately. I'd like to think it's from being tired from the marathon training, but more likely it's the weight of completing this script. Subconsciously, it's wearing me out.

But, I'll be done in a couple of days... and then the Boss comes to town on Sunday.

I want to take some time to talk about my daughter, Sophie. With this marathon and all of the information about CF and my feelings being laid out, I wanted to make sure that my wonderful little daughter isn’t EVER forgotten.

Sophie has been so wonderful with Jacob and she really shows so much compassion for what he’s going through. I often worry that she may think we’re paying special attention to Jacob when we’re not dealing with the CF related issues.

Sophie had her own little scare when she was born. In fact, she stopped breathing the night she was born and spent 10 days in the ICU. In a strange sort of way, our experiences with Sophie’s birth actually prepared me mentally for when Jacob was in the ICU. When she came home from the hospital, she had to wear a breathing monitor that wrapped around her chest. An alarm would go off every time she breathed irregularly. It was a really distressful time for us. Every time that alarm sounded, you thought you think your child has stopped breathing.

Needless to say, there turned out to be nothing wrong with her. She’s as healthy as they come. Sometimes a little shy, I’m always impressed with how much information she takes in (and how much she tunes me out when Rugrats, or, lately, Spongebob, are on the TV).

I think her greatest attribute is that she is so caring for everyone’s feelings. She's so protective of her friends; of Julie and me if we’re arguing; and especially of Jacob. For a four year old little girl to have to grasp that her brother is not like other kids and that he’s going to have to receive special attention all of the time, that’s a lot to ask. But she has been great and really watches out for Jake.

The first night we got the Vest, Jake cried when we put it on him. Jules and I understood that it wouldn’t hurt him, but Sophie is too young to grasp that. In a stern, commanding voice, she said, “Just take it off him. He doesn’t like it.”

If she could, I know Sophie would take this disease out of Jacob’s body. She’s asked Julie a couple of times, “When is Jacob going to get to stop doing breathing treatments?” and “I wish Jacob didn’t have to take medicine all the time.” How do you respond to something like that without tearing up?

I read a pretty well known book about CF last year that I thought was very well done. I won’t name it because it’s a helpful book to so many people. Julie loved it. In it, a family of four deals with their youngest child having CF. I enjoyed the book and found myself saying “A-ha… I’m just like that”. Yet, halfway through the book, I started to notice that the oldest child was suddenly not spoken about and her accomplishments were never mentioned until the end. I was pissed.

Look, I know that the book was about the youngest child with CF. But we’re talking about a family of four. I couldn’t finish the book because I felt like there was a voice missing in this story. The voice of that oldest child.

In the Malchus family, Sophie’s voice is as important as anyone else’s. We try to include her everything and have her help out with the breathing treatments so that she’ll better understand what Jacob’s going through. I just don’t want her to feel like she’s ever forgotten. I love her so much.

***************

Rode the bike today and took the DeCoro (sp.) hill near Vill’s house. It’s like a 1/4 mile up, and then straight down (really scary coming down, I wore my brakes out). I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s group training.

Finally: This week's CD’s in the player….

Jayhawks “Rainy Day Music” (Love that album)
Wilco “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot” (Haunting and beautiful)
Springsteen: I’ll go with “The River” only because I finally learned the lyrics to “Sherry Darling”, “Cadillac Ranch” and “Ramrod”.
Men At Work "Essential Collection" (Again? Hey, at least I’m not listening to that 7 CD 80’s box set I bought…. wait, did I just admit I own that?)

Just so you all know, I put a moratorium on buying any new CD’s (effective August 1st) until after the Marathon. Trying to make the sacrifice and save some money for the trip (ooooh, big sacrifice, Scott).

That’s all.

S

A respiratory therapist stopped by the house tonight to go over the Vest with us. It was very helpful and I think we have a better understanding of how it works and what we’re supposed to do if the thing ever breaks down. Although the kids were running around screaming, wound up from a late afternoon nap, Jules was able to focus on what the woman was telling us.

I just want to say that I am so lucky to have such a wonderful woman for a wife. Not only is she a wonderful mother and a loving wife, but also she's so on top of things when it comes to all of the medicines and Jacob’s treatments. On top of that, she’s very sensitive to Sophie’s feelings and trying to include her.

This may come off sounding strange since we’ve been married for 9 ½ years, but I am still amazed at times that someone like Julie is actually in love with me. And I find myself stepping back at times and going, “wow, I can’t believe she just said that, or did that.”

The other day we were discussing the trip to Hawaii for the marathon. It’s going to be expensive and we’re not sure where we’re going to come up with the money. For a brief moment, I thought to myself, “I guess I may have to go alone”. And it was as if she knew those words were traveling down the brain pipe to my mouth.

“I can’t imagine you being there and not having someone there to cheer for you as you cross the finish line.”

Those simple words may seem like the obvious thing to say, but Julie is so sincere, it’s not like she said them because she felt like she HAD to say them. These were her true feelings. After ten years, she still says things that blow me away. She still shows me every day, despite my shortcomings as a father, as a husband… as a man; she still shows me that she loves me as much, if not more, as the day we married.

We have had a rough couple of years since Jacob was diagnosed. We have weathered each and ever storm together with our hands held tight and our hearts together. I don’t know how I could have survived these last two years… or the last ten, without Julie.

I really am a lucky man.

Sorry about that little outburst. It will interesting to count how many times I write "I hate this fucking disease" before I'm done with the Marathon. Let's make it a game, shall we? The winner receives a free copy of KING'S HIGHWAY.

I have now watched Spike Jonze and Charles Kaufman's "Adaptation" one and a half times. The thing about Spike Jonze (and he's only directed 2 features) is that he is able to tap into the sadness of every day life and still instill hope. I found myself very moved by Adaptation (and parts of "Being John Malkovich" as well). I am eager to see what he does next. I have no doubt it will be wonderful and intelligent.

I think that's what's troubling me right now about doing this script for Ryan (Johnson...producer of KH); I want to do something with meaning. I want to do something with heart. It's difficult to pull that off in any writing, let alone something I'm trying to get done in 2 weeks.

In my heart, I have so many stories to tell. I wonder if I'll have the opportunity to write them.

S

Didn't run this morning. I was so exhausted from trying to write the script and running early in the morning. Something had to give. Unfortunately, I have to complete the script by next week; I have 20 more weeks of running to recover form this morning.

(Editors note. My grammar is terrible. My last true grammar teacher was Jan Denman, my 12th Grade AP English teacher. I dread the day he may look at this web log, I also rely on Steve, my closest friend outside of Julie. I dread the day he looks at this site too).

Anyway.....

Last night Jake did his first treatment with the Vest. We haven't been formally "trained" on it yet (that happens tonight), but we watched the informative VHS tape that came with it. We're supposed to work our way up to Jake wearing it 20 minutes/ twice a day. Well the champ did a 15 minute treatment last night.

Jules was teary eyed when she went to bed last night. There were moments during the treatment when he would look back at her, frightened, and just say (with pleading eyes) "Momma?"

I hate this fucking disease.

Yesterday was hell. And I didn't even run.

Long day at work and Julie had her first, of many I'm sure, battles with the insurance company. We received a wonderful bill from the hospital of which we'll be expected to pay 80%. But most importantly, we received Jacob's Vest.

The Vest is this remarkable device that CF patients use for their PT (Percussive Treatments). It plugs in to the wall and then uses air pressure to pound on the person's chest and back. As the name indicates, it slips over their head like a vest.

We learned last week that Jake would be receiving it. That news was kind of... strange. And when we had it in our homes... well, it was another one of those moments inwhich I felt overwhelmed by the weight of this disease.

You see, it's like you have these moments when you kind of forget that there's anything wrong with your child. At least, I have those moments. Generally it happens during family events when I'm watching Jake play with the other kids. He seems so.... normal. And then, as if just thinking he's "normal", a shot rings out and I say to myself "but he's not normal. He has CF."

At home, it's easier to place the CF in the back of my mind. We've adapted to the disease; his meds and breathing treatments have become part of our daily life. So the arrival of this new machine into our home might as well as been a boulder falling through the roof.

"Hey, look what just dropped in."

It's kind of like Pacino in "Godfather 3"... "Just when I think I'm getting out, something always pulls me back in". Just when you think you have a handle on this f'n disease and taking back the reigns, something new drops in.

FUNDRAISING UPDATE:

We're making good progress. We've broken the $1K mark and some of the heavy guns haven't even weighed in yet. I'm feeling really confident about reaching my goal.

Today I ran four miles in forty minutes using the run/walk method. I pushed myself a little harder today and it felt great, though, I have a long way to go if I think I can run at that pace for 26 miles.

Forgot my MP3 player at work again, so tomorrow I'm stuck with the same songs. My God, if I have to hear Pete Yorn's "Murray" one more time I may vomit (for those of you who don't own Yorn's debut album "musicforthemorningafter", go get it).

Today has been a better day. This script I'm working on is killing me, though. Not getting enough sleep. Springsteen is less than 2 weeks away and I love that Jayhawks album. Take care.

S

Last Friday was the 11th Anniversary of my first date with Julie. I like having this alternate anniversary since it was on that first date that I knew I was going to marry her.

Our first date was a movie, "Unlawful Entry" starring Kurt Russell, Madeline Stowe and Ray Liotta. It's ironic that our first date ws this type of tense thriller because Julie hates these kind of movies (our second movie together was "Unforgiven", that's two violent gems in a row). After the film, we stopped at Arturos where we had a couple of beers and I had some wings. Then we went to some dive bar located next to the North Olmsted water tower where we drank and talked for a long time.

For some reason she drove that night (her VW Fox, which we owned until 1999, when it died in the middle of an intesection with Sophie in the backseat... one of the worst mornings of my life), and she took me home after all of our drinks. We talked a little more and then I asked her if I could kiss her. I hadn't done that in a LOOONG time.

That kiss was perfect.

I walked on air into the house and my sister, Heidi, could immediately tell that something was up. "I think I just went out with the girl I'm going to marry." And with that, I left Heidi stymied and went to bed.

It took me a month to come to terms with the feelings I was having. I'd just come out of a 2 year relationship that ended REALLY BADLY, so the notion that I could be in love so soon was disorienting. But something inside told me it was okay, that the feelings were true and that she was my soul mate. And when I told her that I was in love with her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her... she told me the same.

Pretty cool, huh?

Ran 30 minutes this morning, about 3 miles. Starting to get used to waking up so early. I actually woke up at 5, wide awake. Scary.

The run was uneventful, down Newhall to McBean and back. My body is starting to get used to the run/walk method and I'm going to attempt to push myself a little harder on Wednesday (my next scheduled run day). I haven't started doing the yoga yet, but I really want to start. I think it will help me relax when running. I also need to change the tunes in my MP3 player. I've heard them all one too many times (except the Springsteen).

S

It's Sunday night and I'm writing from home. We drove up to Santa Barbara yesterday and spent the night. It was awesome. I'm really glad we decided to do it as we rarely take a vacation just the four of us. It was just nice to get away, even if it was for 2 days.

While in Santa Barbara, we went to the beach, then walked around downtown where they were having a Spanish Heritage Festival. The streets were packed. Then we adjorned to our overpriced motel and pretty much crashed early. This morning we went out to breakfast at IHOP, yes, The International House of Pancakes. We finished our trip off by visiting the zoo for a couple of hours. I like the Santa Barbara zoo because you get really close to the animals. The kids had a great time. After the zoo, we hit the road. It's only an hour and a half drive, so it wasn't bad at all.

The Marathon Training group met again yesterday morning. Robert Mills is our instructor and he's really inspiring. I've only been to the training twice, but both sessions have leftme feeling inspired and truly capable of completing the marathon. We ran 4 miles. It wasn't difficult. I ran with Rebecca, the woman I know from The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. One of the things we talked about while running was designing hats for the marathon. I'm going to call Cousin Dave and see if he can help out.

That's all for now. It's late and I have to get up at 5:30 to go running. Plus, I have to start writing a screenplay tomorrow. It has to be complete in 2 weeks, but I'm supposed to get paid this time. We'll see.

S

Didn't write yesterday. I was working on getting a package together for the Sundance Film Festival. Trying to keep a low key approach to entering KING'S HIGHWAY into festivals. In particular, the Sundance Festival. I really don't think the movie will get accepted, but there's that little piece of me that's holding out some hope.

For those of you unfamiliar with KING'S HIGHWAY (KH), it's a feature length movie I wrote and directed. It stars Geoff Stults, who has appeared on "7th Heaven" and "Dragnet", Lori Heuring, who starred in a popular thriller called "The In-Crowd" and appeared in David Lynch's "Mulholland Dr.", Ryan Alosio, who was in "The Hi-Line" opposite Rachel Leigh Cook (remember her?) and a funny guy named John DiResta, who was in "Miss Congeniality", "15 Minutes" (opposite De Niro) and has his own series on FX premiering tonight called "Trash for Cash".

We shot the bulk of the movie in 9 days back in May 2001. We had $3000.00 and killed ourselves in that week. It wouldn't have been such a big deal if, say, we were making a movie that takes place in one or two settings and had a few characters. But this is a ROAD trip movie! With Vespa scooters, my parents camper van and a boot car.

Anyway, it took us 2 years to finish the thing. Our actors were out of town when we needed to do pickups, so we had to wait. Our sound guy didn't label anything or call out our shots, so I had to listen to every take while watching the footage and log everything. That took three weeks. Jules and I bought our house and moved. We decided to edit a trailer for KH, which we had to do when our editor was available, so that took about a month (oh, and that trailer was pretty much abandoned after it was completed). Then our editor had to back out, so Villamor (Cruz) had to teach himself Final Cut Pro. And then Jacob was born.

The whole production kind of shut down when Jake was diagnosed. For obvious reasons, I didn't focus on the movie.

2002 was spent editing and doing the sound. Blah blah Blah. If you want to see the final movie, let me know.

My point was that I didn't write yesterday. I got up at 5:30 and ran for forty minutes (approximately 4 miles). I was DEAD by the end of the day, to say the least. Almost didn't have the energy to let the cats in. Today, I rode my bike for about an hour.

I'm having trouble concentrating when I'm out there. I get so stressed about things, it makes it difficult to relax and just exercise.

This entry isn't making much sense, so I'll leave off with a list of the albums in the CD player this past week:

Spingsteen, "Born to Run"
Young Dubliners, "Red"
Men at Work, "Essential Collection" (I'm a glutton for 80's new wave)
Jayhawks, "Rainy Day Music"

I've also added a link to "Radio Paradise", an awesome internet radio station I listen to all of the time.