RACE DAY (Sunday 12/5/04) ~ Pt. 1

I am sitting on the toilet eating a bowl of oatmeal in the cramped bathroom of our hotel room. A sure indication that you have either a) lost your mind or b) are far too dedicated to running is when you somehow enjoy Quaker Oats Maple & Brown Sugar out of a paper bowl with a plastic spoon at the crack of dawn.

Rested fairly well last night. I believe I woke up two or three times. I recall getting out of bed around four to check the clock. As far as ever getting into a deep sleep, that never happened. Had some bizarre, disturbing dreams about being called to duty for World War II and having to assemble with hundreds of troops for some type of prewar rally. Good times.

Breakfast is done so it's time to get dressed. Shorts, shirt, singlet (with my number pinned on), watch, three socks (one for my left foot, two for the smaller right foot), long sleeve shirt, and then my shoes.

Julie is up now. It's around 5:30. I've finished reading portions of the new People Magazine (Julia Roberts...Twins!) and I'm brushing my teeth. For about three minutes when I woke up I contemplated taking a shower. I'm glad I didn't. It gave me time to read the gossip in the back of the magazine.

Jules didn't sleep well either. She seems more worried about the race than I am. She's checked outside and it rained last night. Could it be that the thunderstorm headed our way passed quietly in the night? I can only pray. There's nothing worse than running with wet shoes and I remember vividly what happened to my "good" knee during the last two miles of my 20-mile run a month ago. As soon as the rain came, my knee felt like it was bone on bone. That, I think, is my biggest fear for today.

It's 5:40 now and I'm ready to leave and head down to the lobby to meet the others. I pack some Advil and grab an apple from the fridge. Then, I wrap my right knee with the support, put on my snack belt and give Julie a kiss goodbye. That she's up to see me off is the greatest feeling. Even though I'm the one running, I truly feel that we're all in this together. The last thing I do is turn on my phone as she closes the door behind me.

5:45 am

Most of the CF team is waiting when I show up. There are Peter, Robert, Euri, Rebecca and Julie Deliema (Rebecca’s co-worker from the Foundation). Both Rebecca and Julie are running the half marathon, as are Julie’s father and brother, who are also lounging on one of the lobby couches. Julie and her family are training for the L.A. Marathon. Hopefully they’ll have better weather than we’re expected to have. Wes arrives and we all head out to the parking lot to wait for a shuttle bus to take us to the starting line.

Outside, it’s pretty chilly. Windy, mostly. I have to say, my four years at Bowling Green really prepared me for days like this. While everyone is complaining about the wind, I kind of like it.

Today I’m only carrying snacks (almonds and some of Julie’s fabulous oatmeal-raisin cookies) with me on the run. No water bottle today. There are water stops at every mile so I should have no trouble staying hydrated. Plus, I’ve drunk enough water in the past 48 hours that I’m practically floating.

As we’re waiting in line, friends of mine from Santa Clarita, Bill and Kate Povletich, are standing right in front of me. Man, I haven’t seen Kate in, like, three years. The last time I saw her we had just moved into the house. They’re both running the half marathon, too. Just how many people ARE running the half marathon? Something tells me that I should be running the half marathon as well.

6:10 am

Wes and I ride over together on the bus. We’re both in good spirits. Our conversation ranges from work related topics (Wes is a voice over agent) to children. He says he hopes to adopt someday, with or without a partner. I hope that works out for him, I think Wes will make a fine dad. His heart is definitely in the right place.

6:30 am

So, we’re outside the same theater where we saw THE INCREDIBLES yesterday. The team huddles together and we’re introduced to Darby, a runner from San Diego who is also fundraising for CF. She has been training virtually through Robert’s program and has no ties to Cystic fibrosis. Turns out she heard about the program and thought the CF Foundation would be a good organization to help out. God bless her.

Robert and I bombard Rebecca and Julie with our marathon fundraising ideas and how we feel the program could have a national status, much like the AIDS, Leukemia and Stroke foundations have done. They both respond favorably to our ideas. Not sure if they’re really excited or really tired. Since Julie and Rebecca are both runners, I see my out and feel like I can pass the ball to them. Then, Robert says something about the four of us meeting to discuss. And I agree!

Who am I kidding? I want to be involved. This is a way I can contribute. Marathon fundraising is something I’ve become good at and I believe in it. It’s my hope that soon the CF Foundation can attract more people to help us.

7:00 am

Somehow, Peter, Wes, Darby and I have wound up together, waiting in line for the port-o-potties. Peter’s wearing a gaudy yellow rain poncho and he and Wes are having a blast making fun of it. These two are a hoot. Wes says that they should run another marathon together, this one dressed in matching yellow ponchos with the word “Xanadu” emblazoned on it (I believe in sparkling disco letters). They’d run in platform shoes and have someone following them on roller skates with a boom box blasting Olivia Newton John and Electric Light Orchestra.

I will never get this image out of my head for the rest of my life.

After our last minute pee breaks, it’s 7:30 and time to head to the starting line. Just as we climb up a hill to the mass of people gathered at the line, I thank Wes and give him a strong embrace to thank him for everything he’s done this year. He’s raised $15,000 and really raised awareness of the disease. It’s actually an emotional moment for me. Wes repeats that the entire experience has been a gift to him and he would do it again.

I promise Wes a plate of Julie’s oatmeal raisin cookies. He tells me that that alone is worth running the two marathons. And then, he and Darby head to the front of the line while Peter and I move to the middle of the pack.

Posting for Saturday, 12/4/04


8:10 am

Decent night's sleep.

Weather update: It is gorgeous outside. Clear skies and the sun is shining. A storm is heading our way, though. "Moving fast," is how the Weather Channel described it. Possible thunderstorms.


4:30 pm

Ran into Peter on the elevator ride down to the Health Expo. The two of us checked out the vendor booths and stopped by the Cf Foundation table. Meanwhile, Julie and the kids stayed back at the hotel. Earlier today we went to se the new Pixar film, THE INCREDIBLES. I liked the movie a lot. However, it was a little too intense for Jake and Sophie at times ("This 'credibles too scary." to quote my son). Still they sat through it with that sort of "I'm too scared to look, but too scared to look away" fascination. I must say, I felt the rating was a little skewed because it is an animated film. I felt there was just as much violence and peril as a movie like SPIDER MAN 2, and that got a PG-13 rating.

After the movie we headed to the food court of the Fashion Island Mall for lunch. Jake had his usual, french fries. It's really getting to be comical what this kid will eat. Comical, yet disconcerting. We constantly worry that he’s not getting enough in his diet.

The kids and I then rode the merry-go-round. It was interesting to see how Sophie has become more reserved when we ride the merry-go--round. Jake is a pistol, screaming "Hi Mommy" every time we went round and round. Sophie, on the other hand, just smiled and stayed quiet. I remember a time when was just as loud as her brother.


9:30 pm

Dinner with the CF group was fun. Robert and his wife, Euri, met us at an Italian restaurant. Rebecca gave all of us runners some nice gifts for raising money and running the marathon. Julie Widman (Julie's friend) and her daughter, Lucy, had met us earlier at the hotel and were also with us for dinner. You may recall that Julie's son, Cooper, has CF. Julie W. and Julie met through the Foundation. They see each other every couple of months but talk regularly on the phone. I understand why they are friends. To be able to talk to someone about the disease and what we're going through (someone other than your spouse) is so crucial. And to have someone who KNOWS what you're going through makes it that much easier. Yes, Julie and I talk about everything, but sometimes you need another person's ear. And sometimes you really need someone else’s ear that is experiencing everything you are.

We arrived late due to crummy traffic on the 405. He hit a nasty rainstorm. Hopefully that's all of the wet weather coming our way and tomorrow will be a quiet, cool day.

The two Julie's left early and took the kids back to the hotel. This allowed the team time to compare notes and talk a little about the race tomorrow. I haven't seen Wes in a while. I really think he’s a remarkable person. He exudes confidence, that's for sure. He was a little nervous about the marathon, though, and ran 8 miles this morning (!). I'm not sure that was such a good idea, but I think he needed a good long run to help him prepare mentally.

I returned to the hotel to find everyone playing Monopoly and having a much better time in the hotel room where they weren't confined to a table. Sophie really likes Lucy, a precocious little girl. While they played, I put my running gear together (my "armor" as Robert called it) and set my alarm for 5:00 am.

We're meeting in the hotel lobby at 5:45. No big deal. What a difference a year makes. In Hawaii, I was so nervous about missing the race and how well I would perform. Tonight, I'm more concerned about whether or not I should shower in the morning.

Aloha

12/3/04 Update

8:45 pm

After a 2 and a half hour drive that covered a mere 85 miles, we arrived in Newport Beach. Before leaving home, Julie, Jake and I went to the school to see Sophie receive an award for reading. She's excelling so well in reading books. I am so proud of her.

The hotel is nice. It's in the heart of the city and very close to the John Wayne Airport. We dropped off our luggage and headed out for an overpriced dinner at some close by place called Gulliver's. They serve meat. I believe there were other things on the menu, but the kitchen was right there in the middle of the restaurant and they sliced off prime rib for diners while they watched. In the restaurant an electric train was set up and running circles around a tall Christmas tree. To distract the kids (Jake mostly) we went over to look at it. Sophie grew bored with it quickly and headed back to the table, but Jacob was fascinated with the lights and the little elf figures on each of the miniature boxcars.

As we kneeled on the carpet and stared, he repeated "cooool" as the Santa engineered train passed by again and again. For some reason, I took this moment to reflect on why we were all there, in this restaurant on a cold December night somewhere in the heart of Newport Beach, California. I stared at Jacob's wide blue eyes and that huge, toothy grin of his and thought, "You're cooool, little guy." He's the reason we're here; he's the reason I'm running tomorrow. I have to remember that.

It's my mantra. I'm doing it for Jake.

We returned to the hotel and so far we're having a good time on this little escape from our real lives (though, we never escape the medicines and the treatments). Tomorrow we're going to check out the marathon health expo and probably take in Balboa island, this sort of amusement park/island area that is close by (I realize that this is a lame description, but come on, it's been a long day). We've been to the island before a couple of years ago when Budd and Karyn won us a free night at the Four Seasons Hotel of Newport Beach.

At this moment, "The Return of Frosty", a sub par sequel to the TV classic is on the television. Man, is Sophie WOUND up. She's literally bouncing from bed to bed. Getting her to go to sleep tonight is going to be a challenge. All four of us will be turning in soon. According to Robert, it's not the night before, but two nights before that it is most important to get a good night's sleep, primarily because the night before many runners get butterflies and have a difficult time falling asleep.

In the mail today was a generous donation from Tony Gardner's company, Alterian Studios. With that sum, and the other three donations we received today, we have raised over $11,000! Wow! Last year's total has been matched. Unbelievable. I can
really rest easy tonight.

I am so ready for Sunday.

Aloha

We leave for Newport this afternoon, so I won't have access to a computer until we return Sunday night. Got up this morning and my head was really congested. I almost didn't make it out for my run, I felt that crappy. But I decided I had to go just to keep my legs in tune. I'm glad I did. I feel a lot better since I woke up, although my ears are really clogged up.

It is supposed to be lovely all day tomorrow... and then rain all day Sunday. Great.

Whatever is thrown at us, I still plan to slog through the weather and finish the marathon. I've been training too damn long to not complete it.

This should be a fun weekend, and I'm really looking forward to spending some time with Julie and the kids without the worries of cleaning the house, prepping for the holidays, etc. That's all for now. I will give a complete rundown after the marathon.

Aloha

With just three days until the race, I woke up this morning and crawled out of Sophie's bed (where I slept because she was occupying my space in my own bed). My head was clouded from this cold I've been battling and what did I have to greet me as I took my first steps into the hall? Something wet and warm.

I nearly slipped on the feline droppings left for me, but I was able to retain my balance and survey the brown mess slowly soaking into the beige carpet. "Wonderful, " I thought. Of course, it was my own fault. I forgot to open the cat door to the garage before I went to bed last night.

Perhaps my attempts at yoga had paid off and I was in a completely Zen state of mind. Maybe I was just too tired to really think about how long it would take me to clean up the foul glop (nothing solid form my cats, thank you very much). Then again, it could have been that I was just to congested to care.

No, I was calm and relaxed because I was still feeling good about my accomplishment yesterday.

Around midday I sent out my final push email. The fundraising tally was hovering around $9200 and I thought, if just, like $600 more is raise, we'll pitch in another $200 and we'll call it done at ten grand. That was my hope. So I attached the cutest picture of Jake from Halloween of him in his Woody (from "Toy Story") costume and sent out about 50 or so emails.

The response was instantaneous and remarkable.

With a majority of these letters sent to people I know at work, I surpassed the $10,000 mark by day's end. In fact, one man I work with (Jim Duffy, who has made contributions to every one of our fundraisers) was in my office about 10 minutes after I sent out the email. Incredible.

I've pretty much been on cloud nine since last night. Once again, the people at this company surprise me and pitch in. Both Jules and I have discussed that we were unsure whether I'd even make five grand. And just last week, I was content to settle with $9000. So, to achieve this amount again this year has really been a pleasant surprise.

What does all of this mean for me on Sunday? It means I'm geared up and ready to run this sucker. I'm ready to see what I have in me. I'm ready to see if the new energy I've found in my legs will transfer to the race. And I'm ready to make each and every person, friend, family and stranger, proud of me and proud of the work of the Cf Foundation.

I can't believe how much more relaxed I am from last year's race. And I can't believe how casual I am about everything I need to do to prep.

Drink lots of water all week? Check.
Get enough sleep? Check.
Don't over train? Check.
Stay positive? Check.

I know that the weather may be nasty (cold and rainy... what is this, Ohio?), but it's not fazing me.

I'm as relaxed as I hoped I would be. And I think this will translate to a good race on Sunday.

Now, if I could just get those "thank you" cards done...

Aloha

Here it is, the last day of November. The marathon is just around the corner and the fundraising bell is about to ring. Tomorrow I'm going to make a last ditch email effort to raise enough and break the $10,000 mark. It can be done, I know it. Hopefully I can reach the hearts of just a few people (10, at least) who can put us over the top.

Thanksgiving weekend has passed and I am thankful, indeed, for the great things that have happened to us this year. Besides the financial gains and the prospect of seeing another script made into a movie, I'm more thankful that Jake has remained healthy for another year and that he is growing up to be a "typical" little kid. Sophie is excelling in school (she's receiving an award on Friday. I'm so excited to find out what it's for) and she is maturing (a little too fast) into a gifted and loving little girl.

I have the most awesome wife. I don't say that enough. There are so many times that I'm lost in my thoughts driving to work (or home) and she'll call to check in and see how soon I'll be home, or how the day is going. This little gesture is a simple reminder of how much she cares for me and that she wants to share her day and wants me to share my day with her. That we don't get to spend so much time together is often worked out on the weekend. I think we have a routine, but we try to keep our life fresh. And we still laugh a lot, at each other and at things the kids have done. I am such a lucky man to have Julie in my life.

I can't imagine my life without her in it. And I am so thankful that I have Julie in my life.


************

The Christmas lights went up on Friday after the feast day. We spend turkey day at Kathy Coyle's (Karyn's mom's) and hung out with the Gardners, Christensens and the Malchus'. Sophie helped me with the Christmas lights and I must say that I really enjoyed having her hand me nails and the hammer as I hung clips that would hold the icicle lights outside. Saturday, we put up out tree and decorated it. Before that ritual, though, I ran my last long run down in Pasadena.

I only did eight miles that morning and I wound up running most of it with Robert. I was pretty tired to begin the run, but the last 5 miles flew by and I felt outstanding finishing up. I was a little sad that it was the last run. Robert and I had an excellent discussion about trying to nationalize a CF marathon-training program. We decided that if we chose a single marathon for runners to come to next year (perhaps the OC Marathon) we could entice people from across the country to train and come out to California. It would take a lot of work. Robert is really gung ho about trying to get something up and running and he thinks I should help spearhead this idea. I would love to really be able to get more people to do marathon fundraising. I believe that this is a missed opportunity for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. However, I'm not sure how we would go about getting everything organized. We will talk to Rebecca this weekend.

The rest of the weekend (which was actually five days off for me) was spent relaxing and just spending quality time with the family. It was so much fun and I dreaded going back to work yesterday.

*************

Back at work, Monday dragged. I have contracted that same damn cold that's been floating around our house. It's not so bad. But I'm battling it. I can feel myself a little run down (ironic since I just spend five days being a couch potato).
I went for a walk in the morning. It is getting COLDER. In fact, this morning when I went out for my run, puddles were frozen over. I can't recall ever seeing ice here is Southern California. Seriously. I can only imagine what it's going to be like in Ohio.

I am so behind with my "Thank You" cards. I have been putting them off, which is just wrong. I know I'll get them out by the end of the year, but I wished to have them done before the race. This is one of the things about feeling burned out that I hate. Little things keep getting put off.

One remarkable thing has happened: I began taking a supplement for my knees a couple of weeks back (the day before Peter Pan) and I can really tell a difference. There isn't any pain at all, lately, and I have much better flexibility. It gives me so much hope for the race on Sunday.

Sunday. Wow.

Has it really been all of these months since I began the training? Where did the time go? I know th3e answer to that one, though. I can see the time in my children and how much they have grown. It amazes me.

Aloha

PS I know I haven't spoken much about music this training period, but I have discovered to exceptional Pearl Jam songs: "I Am Mine" and "Man of the Hour". Both are found on their greatest hits cd. These songs haunt me and inspire me every time that I listen to them.

A solid 4 miles this morning and my leg feels pretty good. I'm surprised at how loose and pain free it has been the past few days. And let me tell you, I don't care if you're in Ohio or Southern California, if you wake to run only to find frost on your car and the grass and you can see your breath, it's pretty cold.

I plan to spend the day at home tomorrow. We're only supposed to work until 3:00, but Jake is fighting that cold and Jules has to go into Sophie's classroom in the morning. Thus, my holiday weekend begins a day early. Man, am I looking forward to 5 days in a row being at home and just being a family. We plan to hang the lights on Saturday and put up the artificial tree we were given by our friends the Inmans. Normally we would purchase a real tree for Christmas, but because we're going to Ohio, well, you all understand.

One more week until the marathon. I can't believe it's almost here.

Aloha

The play was great yesterday and the whole turned out to one of our best family days in a while. We went to lunch then drover into North Hollywood to catch the Metro Redline, which dropped us right across the street from the Pantages. The weather outside was chilly, but the warmth of the performances filled our bodies. I was impressed that the producers did not edit any of the text to accommodate the current "PC" climate that is riding high in our country. There audible gasps when Peter Pan said that Tinkerbell called Wendy an "ass". Good for them not to kowtow to the hordes of people out to protect us.

After a drive home, we went to BJ's, a local restaurant/brewery that is fast becoming a hot chain. One of the owners of BJ's is on the CF board with me. His daughter has Cystic fibrosis (she began college this fall). At BJ's they serve a delectable desert called the Pizookie, which is an eight inch round cookie cooked in a pizza pan, served with ice cream on top. It's awesome. And one dollar from each pizookie sold goes toward the fight against Cf. I think it's awesome that the people at BJ's are using their corporate resources to help in the battle. This is the kind of thing I hope to do someday when/if I have the power to hold premieres for my movies.

This morning I decided to walk instead of ride my bike. My knee has been pretty much pain free the past few days. But it steels feels like there is a mass of goo on my kneecap when I walk. Nothing new. I've kind of had this feeling since I had the surgery twenty years ago. Still, it is more noticeable these days. The knee also feels weaker when I take the stairs. That's what scares me the most. The5re are times when it feels like it won't hold me up.

I am worried about Sophie and how hard she pushes herself. Whenever she gets something wrong or something doesn't work out, she blames herself. She says that it's "her fault" and that she can do better. I worry that these feelings stem from something I have said or from my reactionary behavior at times. I tried talking to her tonight before she went to bed. I asked her not to get so upset if she gets a wrong answer. Sophie told me she wants to be "really smart". She is often so critical of herself. Even when you compliment her for her nice drawings, she says that they aren't very good. I hope this is just a passing thing. I would hate for her to get stressed out like her father.

Jake is fighting that cold, still, and has been placed on an antibiotic. He has to take it for two weeks. Julie said that she's beginning to feel the effects of the cold, too. I believe it is the same cold I was fighting a couple of weeks ago that Sophie then caught before passing it on to Jake. Now it's Jules' turn. Sorry, hon.

One final note: I received a generous donation from and old high school buddy, Phil Sprague, a guy I haven't really spoken to in seven years, maybe, and I know I haven't seen him in almost ten years. It really touches my heart when people reach out like this. In some small way, I feel like this fundraiser has reconnected us with some of those friends and family that went astray. Oh, it was not by anyone's choice... just life happening.

This fall has been an excellent season for music. I discovered The Jam, received some great punk music in the form of two box sets, and picked up Mellencamp's greatest hits and Pearl Jam's greatest hits. Listening to Pearl Jam reminds me of my long lost friend Matt Brookshire. I often think of what he must be up to now and where he must be. I haven't spoken to him in two years. Oh, I know I could easily call his parents or his brother and try and get a phone number. But something... Pride mostly... always gets in the way. We've sent the CF letters and Christmas cards every year and we get no reply. Maybe he's moved and the cards don't get forwarded. Rude, but possible. Or maybe.... who knows. I think this will be the year I track him down again. Mat was the basis for one of the characters in "King's Highway". In fact, the original script was closer to some of the crap that went down between us. But that's in the past. I would just like to see how he's doing. Tis the season, after all.

Aloha

I'm always surprised when I log in and I haven't written in several days... and I think that I did write. Could have sworn I checked in on Thursday or Friday.

Yesterday was my last "long" run of 10 miles before the marathon. As I ran the course I've created for myself up here in Santa Clarita, I was tired, uninspired, and a little nostalgic for I truly believe this will be my last marathon. Ask me about running in a year and we'll see.

The week ended with a great run Thursday morning and then I was so uninspired to do anything remotely good for me on Friday that I didn't even do yoga. Thus, when it came time to get up and pound out 10 miles yesterday, you can imagine how excited I was. The fact that it's getting colder and colder (we had a hail storm last night) makes it more difficult. Still, I know my mission and even if my knees buckle under me in two weeks, I'm completing this marathon.

One of the recurring thoughts I have when I'm running is that I'm so tired of asking people for money. I want to take a brief reprise from constantly asking folks to shell out fifty bucks for our cause. I always come back at myself with, "if not you, then who?" But I feel like we've been working really hard for three years raising awareness and money. We need a little time to recharge our batteries and come up with some fresh ideas.

I was just thinking about this particular fundraiser and the fact that I am so close to raising $10,000 again this year. I doubt we'll get there, but it’s, still a good accomplishment. What amazes me once again this year is the number of people who have opened up their hearts and pocketbooks for us. In some instances, we are complete strangers to these people. I can only attribute this to my limited writing skills and being able to convey our life. It gives me hope that when / if I am able to create a film that deals with Cf, the lives the film will touch will help bring in more money to help find a cure.

But I hope I never have to make a film about Cf.

On the personal front, we received some exciting news about our Ohio trip. My closest friend, Steve, and his family will be making a trip to Ohio, too. Although he and I talk regularly and send emails almost weekly, I haven't seen him in person since 2001, just before we moved into the house. This vacation to Ohio is looking to be a busy one... but unlike trips in the past, I'm looking forward to seeing so many people. There are a lot of them that I need to thank.

We're off to see "Peter Pan" this afternoon. My running friend, Peter, had 4 tickets for a show downtown this afternoon and he couldn't use them. So he gave them to us as a gift. Sophie is pretty excited. We'll see if Jake can sit through the whole performance. It will be a nice change from hanging out in the house all day.

We have a short work week and Thanksgiving is this Thursday. Man, this year is flying by.

Aloha

Not much to report today. I am having a difficult time concentrating on writing. It's not just the blog. I'm working on a script and I can't find the right frame of mind to sit down and write. I know it's the anticipation for the run. It's only two weeks away. I very glad that Thanksgiving is next week. That will distract me from thinking about 26 miles.

I don't plan to run with the City of Hope group this week. There is a big event at the Rose Bowl and Robert has relocated the long run. In addition, the whole group is doing their 20 mile run, so I would only run part of the way with them. I will run 10-12 miles up here instead.

Received several checks in the mail today. That was pretty uplifting. I believe we'll reach $8,000 this year, which isn't too shabby.

Aloha

Barely eked out 30 minutes running this morning. My head was full of crap and I felt a weight on my chest. The rest of the day perked up and I'm feeling better. I need new insoles for my shoes and I'm hoping that this will give me a little lift in my step. The old insoles have been with me since June, so I feel like they've served me well.

I have found out that there will only be 5 of us running for CF in this marathon. I'm a little disappointed to find this out. I wish there was some way we could get the word out about marathon training as a way of raising money for CF. I mean, people could run any marathon in the country, as long as they had a training program and a coach. Robert seems to be doping the right thing by expanding his company, 26.6, to other areas of the nation. I just wish there was some way CF could be more involved.

I guess the "responsibility" of running this marathon is pressing me. And it's at odds with desire to be done with the training and to get away to Ohio for Christmas. Though, I don't know why I'm excited about getting to Ohio. I*('m cold now, and it's only in the 60's. I am in so much trouble come December 20th.

Jake is fighting a cold. He had some green snot this morning. That's our big fear. If his nose is just running and it's clear, we aren't as nervous as opposed to the green indication of infection. Jules has given him extra treatments the past couple days to help keep his lungs clear. And there's not much we could do. This cold has gone around the house and Jake is the latest to catch it.

Aloha

So I'm back training for the final leg of this marathon. Woke up this morning and rode the bike about 4 miles. Boy, was that tougher than I thought it would be. But it's good to be back in the thick of things. I was looking forward to getting up early last night (is that sick or what) and I'm so glad I did. I am also very eager for this marathon to be over. I am so burnt out on training and my knees are barking at me with every step I take.

The past weekend was so wonderful. We celebrated Jake's birthday on Saturday with a party and a Scooby Doo jumper. I'll tell you, you don't need a lot of activities when you rent one of these jumpers. Kids spend about 3 hours in there. Mom and Dad got in Friday evening and I think Sophie was going to explode with excitement. She loves seeing here grandparents so much it really touches your heart. And Jake has started to be less tentative around them. Once he warms up, though, he is a ball of love and energy. Saturday morning it rained for a brief time, then the skies opened for a glorious sunny afternoon. You couldn’t ask for a better day for a party.

Yesterday Dad and spent most of our time cursing and replacing two faucets. I am so grateful that he was there to help, out. Although it is relatively easy, figuring it all out would have made my br4ain melt. Of course, he paid for all of the hardware. These little "gifts" are so appreciated. I know Mom and Dad wish they could help us all of the time like this. Our family is very fortunate to have folks watching out for us all of the time. I only hope that we make up for it spiritually so that our karma evens out in the universe. And I hope that all of that karma goes directly to Jacob.

For obvious reasons, I thought a lot about the day Jake was born this weekend and all of the turmoil surrounding his birth. I can't believe that it was three years ago that it all happened. My how we have all grown in that time. Not just physically, but spiritually as well. With all of our struggles, we know that we have each other. And as this weekend reminded us, once again, we have a core group of family and friends who will always be there for us.

As I lounged around on the couch after returning from the airport last night (Julie and the kids were sleeping) I dwelled on how much I love our life. I love our house and I love having a beautiful, strong, loving wife, and two children who are compassionate and full of so much life. It was a great weekend indeed.

Aloha

The past week saw my birthday and Heidi's birthday come and go. I can't believe I'm 35 already. You know how you have these images as a kid of what you're going to be doing by a certain age? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. As I take stock of my life, I did think I'd be married and have some kids by this age, so I guess I'm on track, huh?

This year's birthday was very nice. Some pretty cool gifts and some surprises. Sophie bought me "Daddy Day Care" on DVD and I think that's my favorite gift of the bunch. She wanted a movie we could watch together. God I love that little girl. Such a big heart. Steve also sent me a pretty rad cd box set containing music from the 80's underground movement. Bands like the Minutemen, Husker Du, Replacements and The Smiths take up four discs worth of space. It's good mood music to write to.

Steve and I have been communicating frequently. Each week I send him a new song via email (don't tell the record companies). Ever since his parents moved to North Carolina, Steve and his family don't venture up to Ohio anymore. I believe I miss hanging out with him (even for a night) the most when we go back to visit. Some friendships are fleeting and some fade away with time. But the friendship that Steve and I have was forged in stone. He's such a bright guy. I swear he could run for office and get elected (although he's a Democrat living in North Carolina... might be kind of tough). However, he always tells me he could never subject his wife, Marianne, and their two kids, Jack and Grace, to a life in government. That's why I believe he's a good man. He places the welfare of his family and friends before himself.

Steve's made mention that he might try to come up to Ohio while we're in North Olmsted for two weeks around Christmas. Boy, would that be great. We'll see, though. I know he has a lot to deal with in NC.

I've agreed to speak at a CFF function next week. I'm never quite sure what I'm supposed to say at these things. I want to be positive, but part of the purpose of showing up at these CF dinners is to inspire people who don't live with the disease to come and give money. However, I'm not a hundred percent sure what exactly this dinner is all about. I guess I should look into it a little further. Rebecca, my friend from the Cf Foundation asked me to do it, so I'll do it no matter what.

Strange, I just had a thought... I don't know exactly what my involvement with the Foundation will be once the marathon is done. At this point, I don't plan to run again (at least for a year). I know I'm on the Board of.... uh, whatever, but even at those meetings I feel out of place. I'm the youngest guy there and I don't have the type of business contacts they're looking for (because show biz people are kind of flighty, I've learned).

I guess my best way to get across the message about CF is through my writing. Alas, I'm 35... time feels like it's ticking away on me.

Jake's birthday is this weekend. My parents are coming into town for it. We're having a party on Saturday with a Scooby Doo jumper (my God, Jake LOOOOOOOOVES Scooby Doo. It's enough to drive us mad... if we weren't already a little loopy). The party keeps getting bigger and Jules is a little stressed. I think it will all be fine, unless it rains.

Aloha

It’s the day after my 20-mile run and I’m both content and a little worried. I finished this run feeling better than I did after last year’s long run, but I still have the same fears I had back then. At one point yesterday I questioned how I was ever going to complete the marathon. Part of these doubts stemmed from the sudden change in weather, and part was from the psychological games I was playing on myself.

I was running in the Santa Clarita Marathon. Originally registered for the half marathon, I ran those first 13.1 miles at a 3/1 pace. It was a comfortable enough run, a little slower than what I did in San Francisco, but I was trying to save some energy for the last portion of my run. Luckily, the course was around our neighborhood, so I knew where I had to go in order to pick up the last 7 miles of my run.

I had my MP3 player filled with 5 hours of music (and let me tell you, I thought it would be easy to come up with 83 songs to run to… it wasn’t). The weather was great. And best of all, Julie and the kids met up with me around my 14th mile to cheer me on. I felt like I was going to cruise through the latter part. But, by mile 17, the weather turned dreary fast. It got cold and it began to drizzle. That’s when my knees started to lock up and my hip started to ache. By mile 19, I was headed for a turn around and I passed what was my mile 20 marker. The last mile took forever. I kept thinking the end was near… for a good 20 minutes.

Still, I came away feeling satisfied that this run was done. I’ve decided to take this week off to recover and allow myself some time to catch up on some writing. There is only a month left until the marathon and despite my fears yesterday, I know I’ll finish this marathon. There were a couple of times during the race in which I nearly broke out in tears. Some of the songs I selected (in particular a Badly Drawn Boy track from the ABOUT A BOY soundtrack) gave me inspiration and reminded me of why I’m doing this run. I know I shouldn’t need reminding, but when you’re out there and your muscles are killing you, sometimes that little spiritual kick keeps you going.

I regret that I did not write last week. I was depressed over the election outcome. I have said that I don’t want this to be a political blog, but I have held back and I know it has kept me from being as open as I like. I think it’s obvious which way I vote. I have been pretty liberal for a number of years and this particular election has really brought out that side of me. Those of you who know me must realize that I am for equality for everyone and that we need to help our poor and unfortunate. Love thy neighbor as they brother is the saying and I take that to heart. With our family situation, I know this to be so true. With strangers and family members helping us out during various hardships in the past three years, I would feel like a hypocrite if I did not try to send some of that good will back out into the world.

I do not feel that this current administration has those same intentions. Although they preach it, I do not see it in their actions. And I am not close-minded about this. I have spoken to numerous Republicans and heard what they have to say. I have made an attempt to hear their fears and beliefs in an attempt to understand where they’re coming from. Some of those people are in my own immediate family. Do I resent them for what they believe? No. Have I tried to sway them into what I believe? Sure. And they have done the same to me. These are not heated arguments, though, merely exchanges of ideas. Our country was founded on free thought and the exchange of ideas. Too much lately, though, it’s either one side or the other. I had hopes that this election would mark a change in tone and direction the country was headed. Sadly, I do not feel this will happen. Some of you may feel differently. I would love to hear your thoughts.

On a positive note, though, Proposition 71 here in California passed. This was a controversial Stem-Cell research proposition that would open California up to doing more stem cell research. We do not know what the future holds and what cures may be found through stem cells, but as a parent with a child who has a life threatening illness, I am in favor of this type of research.

That’s all for now.

Aloha.

Hot diggity. I did a stretch class yesterday and my whole body feels so much better. I woke up to run this morning and opted to do some work on my newest script. Getting to write made me feel even better.

I know my last entry was pretty dark. I'm trying to get away from so many dreary entries. So, I'm waiting until there is' at least something decent to write about. Or just to give a simple update.

As you all know, Halloween is this weekend. I'm really looking forward to walking around with the kids (I think I'm walking around with the kids... maybe I'm passing out candy. I better check on that). But I love this day of the year. This year Sophie is dressing as Sleeping Beauty and Jake will be Woody (from Toy Story). They received a package from Grandma Flynn this afternoon, so I know they’re getting pretty excited about Sunday.

I will have to avoid as much of the candy as possible.

Not much else to report right now. The election is right around the corner and I have been reluctant to voice my opinion on this site. The purpose of this site is not to rouse anger from anyone reading it (is there anyone still reading it?)

But if you know me and you've been reading the blog long enough, you know who am I voting for and what causes I believe in. 'Nuff said.

So... that's all for today. Tale care of yourselves.

Aloha.

It's late Sunday night and I wanted to check in before going to bed. This was a wonderful weekend with the family. We went out to dinner the past couple nights and we went to Lombardi Ranch to buy pumpkins and go on some mule drawn wagon rides this morning.

Yesterday I ran the 18 miles and it was not nearly as bad as my 16 mile run ended up. I took it slow from the beginning and I was amazed at the strength I had at the end to pour it on. Peter was unable to run the last half-mile with me. His legs gave out. But his last long run was the 14 miler, which was over a month ago, so he should feel good that he completed most of the 18 miles running.

It was a strange week for me in that I've been doing a lot of research for a new script I’m working on and I came across some information about Ted Bundy. Even mentioning his name in the blog makes me feel like I violating something. This man was a monster and reading up on him really made me overly cautious the past couple days. I don't want to say paranoid, but I'm looking at things a little differently. My glasses aren't so rose colored.

The most unsettling thing is to think that something could happen to my children by some kind of monster like him. I sometimes tell myself that God wouldn't let anything more terrible happen to our family, that we already have enough on our plate. But I'm once again battling with my faith.

I want to be strong and trust in everything. But I'm so... bitter. That's the only word I can come up with. And this bitterness is spilling over. I can't even watch a show like "Extreme House Makeover" without feeling a little cynical.

I think about this blog and what I wrote last year. I'm sure it must have been filled with so much optimism. But I don't have so much optimism. Perhaps this is because my birthday is around the corner. I'll be 35 next Monday and I still don't feel like I've accomplished anything. After all of the things I've done, am I always gong to feel this way? When am I going to get over myself?

But going back to Bundy. Reading about his depravity and how he ruined families has really made me look at my wife and children and love them even more. I wish I could hold on to them forever end envelope them with a protective cloak that will keep them out of harm's way. But I'm no superman. I'm not even a great man. I'm just Scott. Husband and dad. Son and brother.

I keep wishing that something wonderful would happen to lift some of the stress out of our lives. But there's just so much beating down that optimism that those thoughts really feel like wishful thinking and not hope or confidence.

These thoughts only seem to come up when I'm on the computer. Why is that? Really, we have a good life. I love our house and we've been able to survive on our meager savings for much longer than we thought possible. But I worry so much. I worry so much that it consumes me and I feel like I'm projecting it on to the kids. Those darling, beautiful children. I don't want them to carry my problems. I want only the best for them.

And still, after all of this... crap I've just unloaded, I still am so thankful that we have our weekends together. To be able to spend these two days as a family... it means everything.

By now I must have driven away any of the few readers I still had.


Aloha.

It has rained the past 24 hours. Not a light drizzle, but a downpour. Luckily I was able to get in a run yesterday morning and now it appears that the weather has cleared for a run tomorrow. I am amazed at how nonchalant I am about the 18 mile run this weekend. I am convinced that a slower pace and a 3/1 will be sufficient enough to get me through it without any pain. We'll see.

I was dismissed from jury duty this morning (due to hardship reasons) and I had an opportunity to go home and be with the kids and Julie a little longer before heading into work. We dropped Sophie off at school and there were a couple a times when I just stared at this little girl and was amazed. She is growing up so fast. He mind is absorbing so much knowledge from school and there are moments when she's like a teenager with her answers. And then, there are moments like last night when she was in tears because she was afraid of thunder. Not that we had any thunder, but the idea of it scared her to death.

Sophie is very sensitive and I sometimes fear that I may be too harsh on her. God, this is my worse fear. I fear that I'm too short or that I'm too loud and that this behavior will affect her for the rest of her life. I'm no head doctor, but I know enough to realize that these formative years are vital to her development. But what if it's too late? What if my stressed out behavior when Julie was in the hospital with Jake and that whole period of our lives has changed her in ways that won't become apparent until she's an adult?

Are these the same fears that all parents suffer? I wonder if it's just me. I look at other parents (Julie included) and I often think, "Why can't I be like (insert name here)."

And I can't use Cf as an excuse. No, that's not an excuse because this is just one part of our life. Granted, it's a big part of our life, but we've adapted, for the time being, to Jake's medicines and his routines. I'm sure we will have to adapt again sometime in the future.

Like I wrote in my follow up letter: I just want Sophie and Jake to have a long life together as brother and sister. I want them to experience everything that Julie and I did with our siblings. I would like them to grown up safe, healthy and full of love. I hope that that is happening already.

Enough of my rambling. I've lost my train of thought. So much for being a writer.

Aloha

Our cat, Doodle, is moaning in the toy room while I write this. We bring her in at night and place her in a kennel. I sometimes hate doing this. Doodle used to be our favorite. But she urinated throughout the house when we moved in which caused us to have to get new carpeting. Doodle used to be the most affectionate cat, but, I don't know, I guess she got jealous of... everything? So, now she lives outside during the day and she sleeps in the toy room at night.

Yesterday's 10-mile run went quite well. I ran the whole way with Peter and another friend, Tony Bosco. I met Tony through training last year. He's running for City of Hope in honor of his mother. She passed away from cancer. The run was very smooth. My left knee started to act up toward the end. I'm not sure how much of the pain had to do with whatever injury I have to it or from possible restriction cause by the knee support I wear.

I must say this: I did not feel tired or achy at all after the run or for the entire day yesterday. After I got home, we pulled out a bunch of plants and planted new flowers in the flowerbed by the front door and in front of the garage. It was, like, a 4-5 hour job. But it looks great and I'm very happy that we did it. It was one of those projects that lingered in the back of our minds from the day we moved in. Completing this task makes the home feel that much more ours. Funny that after three years and the many things we've done to alter (and improve) the house, you can still feel like it's not entirely yours. At least, that's how I feel.

Sophie goes back to kindergarten tomorrow after a week off. Julie’s bummed. She really loves having Sophie home all day. But Sophie is so excited about getting back and seeing her friends and teacher. I'm so happy she's enjoying school.

The Malchus' and the Cruz's came over for dinner tonight. It was a gray, rainy day and the temperature was cool. I love this weather. It reminds me of Cleveland in the fall. Having our friends over for dinner was great.

We've decided to go back to Cleveland for Christmas and take some extra time. Two weeks! We haven't taken that long of a vacation in years. But I feel like we all really need it. With the trip coming so close after the marathon, it looks like December will be quite an eventful month.

Aloha.

Rode my bike this morning and had a relatively mellow day. I've begun work on a new script. It feels good to be writing and to have ideas swimming around in my head.

Last we checked, Wes was over $9000 and close to $10000. Incredible. He began the week with around $4000.

And to think that all of these people are donating based on our family and our little guy (oh yeah, and the fact that Wes is running 2 marathons).

I feel energized for tomorrow's run. Of course, it's only 10 miles. Trying to stay positive, though.

Aloha.

Almost didn't complete my run this morning. Outside forces have been wearing down on my state of mind and the farther I get out on runs, the more depressed I get. I'm having a difficult time shutting off my brain and just focusing on the running. Still, I did about 3 miles in under an hour and I feel ready for the ten mile run this weekend. Peter wants to extend it to 13 or 14 miles as he has missed some long runs. Not sure if I'm up for that.

I want to make mention of my friend Wes Stevens who has been fund raising for CF in Jacob's and our family's name. Wes and I have known each other ever since I began at Klasky Csupo. He is one of the voice over agents we deal with on a regular basis. We have always gotten along and he has been supportive of us ever since Jacob was diagnosed. As I have mentioned in previous entries, he raised $22K last year running the Honolulu marathon for AIDS Project LA. This year, when he decided to do another fundraiser, he offered to do it for the Cf Foundation and I pounced on his offer.

Well, he has raised his goal to $26,200 dollars, and to entice people, he has decided to run 2 marathons this fall. The first is this weekend in Columbus, Ohio. He has raised close to $8000 and hopes to make it to $10000 by the weekend. I'm including the context of his most recent letter below.

When I'm starting to feel low about the fundraiser this year, I'm going to try and remember that Wes will bring in a lot of money. That may not have happened if I hadn't approached him. And truthfully, part of my job is to also raise awareness. I think that Wes, in reaching out to all of the people he knows, is definitely spreading the awareness.

Here was his first letter:

Well it is that time again…time to lace up my running shoes, get up at the CRACK of dawn each weekend, eat goo, put on nipple guards and start running. And it is time once more for you to generously open your wallet and - while you will not get that “runner’s high (which is a big ol’ lie anyway) - you will get the giver’s high, or at least a little good karma.

Last year you helped me finish my first marathon, 26.2 miles and raise $22,000 for Aids Project Los Angeles. This year I am going twice the distance, TWO full marathons...52.4 miles for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.

My first marathon will be in two weeks, the Columbus Marathon on October 17th. Then I will strap on the shoes again on December 5th for the Orange County Marathon. My training is going well, I feel strong and I am ready to double my efforts of last year to help inspire friends, family and colleagues to go deeper and give more to a truly good cause.

I will share more updates and more statistics as we go, but the core truth is: Over 33,000 children in the United States are afflicted with the deadly pediatric disease Cystic Fibrosis. From breathing to digestion, nothing is easy for these children. The disease causes the body to produce abnormally thick mucus, creating life threatening lung infections and host of other problems. Only 50% of individuals with CF even survive to the age of 30.

I am running for Jacob, an adorable little guy who struggles with this disease every day. He is the son of Scott Malchus, a friend and a casting associate at Klasky Csupo. Last year Scott ran the Honolulu Marathon for CF and this year he is doing Orange County. Knowing how much we all helped raise for APLA last year, he asked if I would run for CF in December. When you meet Jacob, how can you say

no?

I am going twice the distance this year; help me make twice the difference. Give what you can. You can either mail me donations made out to

I’ve got a long way to go. I appreciate your support every step of the way. There will be updates to come.

Thank you for your generosity.


And this was his second letter:

Hey Scott. This is what went out last night. It garnered over $3k in donations in under 12 hours…WOW. First marathon is this weekend….Here I go

From: Wes Stevens
Sent: Wednesday, October 13, 2004 6:06 PM
Subject: The first 26.2 is HERE! Help me make it to 10K....


My first marathon weekend is upon me. I'm anxious, a bit insecure and simultaneously inspired and excited. This Sunday at 7 am I will begin the first leg of my TWO full marathons...52.4 miles for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.

In the short two weeks since my first email, we have already raised $4,000. THANK YOU.

As I prepare to lace up, tape up, hydrate, and quell my trepidation, I am imploring you to help me make it to $10k by this weekend. Every donation is an inspiration. It fills me with certain pride to know my friends, family and colleagues are truly a part of my run.

I have to say, this journey and the training, the first time I have trained for a marathon alone, has been much more personal. A few times, at 15 mile marks or sometimes less, when I feel like I've had enough, I think of Jacob Malchus. I see his cute mug and think of my friend Scott Malchus' family and the next mile comes a little easier (not painless, but easier).

I asked Scott if he could give me a better window into what his family and Jake go through, he replied (Scott, Jake and Sophie are in the shot below):

"In his short life, Jake's been fortunate to only be hospitalized three times. He continues to be in great health, with most of his medical issues falling into the digestive problems (common with the disease). For a child of almost three years, he does remarkably well with all of the medications he has to take.

With every meal or snack, Jacob must swallow digestive enzymes so that his body will absorb the nutrients from the food he’s eating. And three times a day, he must have breathing treatments using a nebulizer that creates a mist of medicines that go directly to his lungs. In addition, there are the medicines to help settle the acid in his stomach, and the various vitamins he must take. Of course, Jacob knows no other way of life. This disease will be with him the rest of his life."

The only way for Jacob's life to change, to experience a "normal" childhood is with a cure. That's what I'm running for and you are generously giving for…

I am going twice the distance this year; help me make twice the difference. Give what you can. You can either mail me donations made out to:

I’ve got a long way to go. I appreciate all of your support in word, thought and donation. Let's find a cure, I can run, you can give. Wish me luck this Sunday.


Pretty incredible. I hope everyone readn this will keep Wes in their thoughts an prayers this weekend.

Aloha

I can tell that the seasons have changed. I'm becoming so tired at the end of the day. Giving up coffee has been a good thing, though. I may be tired, but I'm not edgy.

Ran a good eight miles this weekend. I had no desire when I started the run, by about midway I was into a groove and I finished with decent results. Cut down a dead tree in the back yard and stressed about money, so it was a typical weekend for us here in the Malchus house.

We watched "Finding Nemo" for the first time and I cried my eyes out. The next night, Sophie told me she was afraid I was going to die. Where did that come from? I was a little thrown, at first, but I tried to assure her that I wouldn't be dying anytime soon. I guess it's normal at her age to start thinking about these things (I guess it's also normal for her to whimper through the night because she's afraid of mosquitoes in the bed... but that's another story).

I spent the weekend polishing a new letter that I sent out today. There were about 60 people on my list that I sent it to. Hopefully there will be some results. If not, I still feel pretty good that my friend Wes is kicking ass with his fundraiser. He's running the Columbus Marathon this weekend and his goal is to have $10K raised by then. His ultimate goal is a grand total of $26,200! He really feels confident that he'll achieve it. So, even if I can't reach my goal, at least I take comfort in knowing I brought Wes into the mix.

Tomorrow I'll post the email I received from him the other day. It was an inspiring email to read.

That's all for now.

Aloha

I was listening to the radio this morning and the commentators were broadcasting from Columbus, Ohio. They were speaking to John Glenn as he drove from Cleveland back to Columbus. And at that moment, I was in Ohio, in a car driving down 71. I could feel the hot sun through the windshield that made me want to take off my coat, and maybe open the window a crack, but not too much because there was already a frigid chill in the air. I could see the gold and red leaves along the highway and the brick buildings that were built up on either side of the roads. And there weren’t a lot of cars. It was normal traffic. You drive 65 miles per hour and you get somewhere. The time it takes to get from Cleveland to Columbus is, sometimes, the same amount of time it takes me to drive the 30 miles it takes to get to work.

This sudden wave of feelings stopped me in my tracks. I was there. I wanted to be there.

For about five minutes I thought, this is a sign. Should we move back to Ohio?

Now I sit in my office, and I’m struggling to find meaning in what I’m doing. What am I doing with my life? Does everyone go through this torment? Am I being too dramatic?

Have to put these thoughts out of my head. I know what I’m doing with my life. And the most important job at hand is being a good father and trying to set a good example for those kids.

Anyone who is interested, there is a new pic on the donation site of the kids and me. Julie and I both have wanted a new picture for a while. I don’t like singling out Jake in our battle against CF. It’s a family fight. One we will win together.

Aloha

Every time I help put Sophie to bed (she likes us to sniggle her for 5 minutes), she and I go over all of the things she did at kindergarten that day. I didn't realize how much I enjoy this part of our day until tonight. We had just finished watching the Vice Presidential debate and it was time for bed. Soph and I cuddled in her bed and I thought she would go right to sleep. While laying there in silence, I suddenly felt like something was missing. I wanted to hear what she did that day.

I say that like I'm surprised because there are times when I feel like I'm the world's biggest crank and I have no patience. But at these times with Sophie, I really love hearing how much she is learning and how she is interacting with her classmates. I am so proud of our little girl. She has really embraced school and is doing excellent in her class work. We’re so lucky to have Sophie in our lives. You couldn't ask for a more loving daughter. And she's such a kind big sister it brings tears to my eyes when I see her playing with Jake.

See, that's one of the reasons I do this fundraiser. Those two. I want them to have a long, long future together. I want them to love and hate each other, to get along and fight. Basically, I want them to have the same wonderful relationship that Julie and I have both had with our siblings. This is what I pray for at night. Besides a cure, I pray that these two will have each other to fall back on their whole lives.

So that's how the night ended. I love those kids.

Ran for 40 minutes this morning. With two weeks of 10-mile runs, I feel like I can give myself a little break until next week as I gear up for the 18 mile run.

Aloha

Opted to get a little more rest this morning and I didn't ride my bike. That turned out to be the right choice as I'm ready to run tomorrow morning. The rest of the day was fine. Julie expressed concern about whether I might be able to finish the marathon. She wasn't as concerned about the physical parts as much as the mental challenges that I've been feeling this time around.

The more I think about how I performed on Saturday and the stupid way I ate and drank that day, the more I know I can complete the marathon. I just have to be smart and my body will let me do it. And I know that come that day I'll be jacked up and ready to run.

I need to stop thinking about the fundraising. I've done what I can and whatever money comes in, so be it. I know there are so many people out there that want to help and probably can't. I know those folks are sending prayers and well wishes to us for Jacob's health. In many ways, that is more important. I honestly feel that positive energy like that is a good thing and can have an effect on lives.

So, from this point on, no more complaining about the money. $4000 is a lot of money.

Julie took some great pictures yesterday, one of the kids and me will be going on the donation site and I hope to have it in a new letter I want to send out in a week or so. Those kids are so gorgeous. And they just bring a smile to your facer when you see them. They're so full of joy. I'm smiling now thinking about them.

My friend Geoff was on an NBC show tonight. He was the lead in "King's Highway." I'm glad he's starting to get a lot of exposure. Geoff is a great guy and very genuine in his feelings and concerns about other people.

Okay, that's all for now.

Aloha

P.S. I hope that all of you are registered to vote. This week is the deadline for most states.

The recovery from yesterday has been difficult. My legs feel like cement and my upper body aches. Let's not talk about the knee. Celery. That's what it sounds like. I'm thinking I should call my self the Rice Krispies Man. All I do is snap, crackle and pop when I walk.

I am beginning to think I should have waited to run this second marathon. Maybe I should have done it next year. Maybe never. The time commitment is so hard. And my body is wasted. I don't have the energy I want... need to spend with the kids on the weekend. I don't have the energy to be a quality husband.

At times like this, when I'm feeling drained, I feel like I should have just run the half marathon. I mean, I can practically run that in my sleep, now. And the money's not coming in.



***************


And just as I wrote the previous woe is me passage, I went out to the living room to watch some of a Discovery Health Channel show that featured two people with CF. One, a 22 year old college student at USC, the other a 42 year old woman struggling to stay healthy. Fact: Only 50% of people with CF live to be older than 32. Fact: Only 5% of CF patients live into the 40's.

5%.

Boy, I started out great this morning. I ran alone for the entire run (except for about 20 minutes when Robert tagged along with me). Relaxed and feeling very smooth, I thought the run was going to be a breeze. I began with a 5/1, but took it relatively slow. I wasn't pushing myself to break any records. And the first 10 miles went by without a hitch. In fact, I felt strong enough to switch up to a 6/1 for the last four miles.

Then my stomach stirred up a riot and my run broke down. First there were the gas pains (reminding me of that incident last year... for those of you who've read this blog for awhile, you know what I'm talking about). I was able to get through those pains, but then I got a stitch in my left side that prevented me from running at all. The last three miles were tough. Oh, they weren't unbearable, but they took a long time and sapped all of my energy. I wound up walking the lat mile. It was a let down, for sure, but not as disappointing as that Saturday a few weeks ago.

I know that that Super Foods green concoction in a bottle that I chugged on the way to Pasadena accounted for the gas pains. That drink combined with a too full stomach gave me the cramp in my side. It was the same thing I experienced in Hawaii. The only difference was that I wanted to finish the marathon so damn bad I just kept going.

When I got home, the morning really hit me like a brick. I've been wiped out all day. Still, I feel positive about the way I ran before I had to stop running. If I am able to take the same, relaxed, slower approach come marathon time, I believe I will do much better than Hawaii. I just have to stay away from the Power bars and getting too full in the morning.

So, I guess it's back to the Almonds. Ech.

Aloha

Heading into tomorrow's 16-mile run, I feel calm and relatively carefree. 16 miles? Big deal.

Of course, ask me tomorrow and it may be a different story.

Jake has been feeling better and his cold seems to be almost gone. Sophie didn't get sick at, thank goodness, so I believe our house is almost germ free. Then again, I've been feeling run down all week. Perhaps it's time to kick coffee again. With the nights getting longer and the mornings starting to chill out, I can't afford to get sick, especially as we head into the colder months.

Okay, it's decided. No coffee until the end of the marathon. Then I shall bathe in a tub of black gold, filled with cream and sugar! Now that was a little gross. So, not only will I be aching from my run, but I'm pretty sure my body is going to go through withdrawal at about, say... 3:00.

No new donations. I just did a rewrite on a script, so I'll take time to compose a new letter this weekend.

Aloha

Switching from running three times a week to two (plus the long run) seems to be working out. I don't feel as overwhelmed and burnt out from running. The long run last week was just 10 miles and I felt strong at the end. Happy about that.

I had to get up extra early yesterday and run by 6:00 am. Pretty tough on a weekday, but it went well. I wasn't exhausted at all during the day. Heck, it was so early in the morning that I nearly forgot I ran in the morning. Still, I slept hard last night, so I know my body was in need of a rest.

I'm trying to pay close attention to what my body is telling me this time.

We have passed the $4000 mark in fundraising. I now wonder if I'll make the $10K mark this year. Jules and I are feeling fried trying to raise money all of the time. We feel an obligation to do anything we can to bring inn moola to the CF Foundation. But lately it feels like that's all we're doing. I haven't written in months, except for my fundraising letters. That would be cool, if that were all I did for a living.

Am I being selfish? I don't know. But I get the feeling that there may be some folks who feel "Hey wait, haven't I already donated once or twice this year?" Still, there are others who are as strapped as we are. $50 goes a long way in some households. There has to be other avenue other than constantly hitting up your friends and family. We just don't have those resources.

I feel like I AM being selfish. This is about Jake's life.

That's all for now.

Aloha.

It's been a fairly mellow week here in Cali. I rode my bike Monday and this morning and only ran once (on Tuesday). I intended on running yesterday morning but my body said to rest and I decided to listen since we're only running 10 miles this weekend.

We went to a parent/teacher conference for Sophie this morning. What a relief it was to hear that Sophie is doing so well and that we're doing just fine with her at home helping her out with her schoolwork. To say that all of this is new would be an understatement. It's amazing how much she's learning and how quickly she is grasping the concept of reading. That little girl really enjoys learning.

It was interesting to hear her teacher talk about how much of an achiever she is. Sophie really strives to do everything the "right" way and to make sure all of her answers are correct. Part of me wonders how much of her desire to have everything in order is a response top the CF in our lives and the medical issues that come up.

I still remember when Julie was in the hospital before Jake was born (almost 3 years ago!) and how the two of us were both so stressed. She just wanted her mommy and I was just an emotional mess. I tried so hard not to project any of my fears on her (she was only almost 3), but I fear I was as successful as I'd hoped.

I look back on that strange period of our lives and I know that Sophie and I have a special bond from that time. I would drive her 20 minutes to her day care, and then pick her up at the end of my day and we'd go to the hospital to see Julie. Finally, we'd drive back home (another 30 minute drive) and crash in bed together. I honestly feel that that period of her life made her mature a little faster than should be allowed for a little girl. I think it was around that time that she really became empathetic to other people's worries and pain.

I only hope that she will continue to be open with us and tell us whenever she isn't feeling good or if she's feeling stressed. She's really into this program "Full House" now (reruns of a "sitcom" from the late 80's and 90's). I can't stand the show myself. But, obviously, I am not the intended audience. However, the one time I sat down with her to watch the show, one of the characters told one of the little Olsen twins that families never keep their feelings from each other and they always talk about how they are feeling.... or something like that. Come on, it was "Full House"... Anyway, I think she got something from that. Hopefully she'll hold on to that advice.

And, yes, I have to make sure to remind her of this, too.

That's all for now. We decide that we're going to make the trip back east for Christmas this year. Can we afford it? Bwa ha ha ha ha ha !!!!!

No.

Looking forward to tomorrow.

Aloha

Ran 13 miles this weekend. This was a 3 mile increase over my last real long run, some four weeks ago. I felt very good for most of the run. Only at the very end, when we were trying to finish a 14th mile did my body tell me it was time to stop.

The outside stresses have let up a little. We were approved for California Children's Services last week and I can't tell you how much relief I felt. I don't think I realized how big of a stress that was on me.

I've raised about $3200 so far. Last year at this time I had raise over $7000. I know there are a lot of people who contributed last year, and who plan to give this year, who have not sent a donation yet. So, I'm trying not to let it bother me. Still, I have come to terms with the fact that I probably won't raise $15,000 this year. It was ambitious.

Hopefully I can make $10,000. That would still be a remarkable achievement.

That's all for tonight.

Aloha

With the anniversary of the September 11th attacks and the ongoing war, the thought of what is a hero is often floating around in the old gray matter. Those men and women who are our public servants, fire fighters, police officers and teachers (to name a few) and those brave souls who are overseas facing gunfire definitely fall into the category of a hero. Still, when I think of a hero, I can't help thinking closer to home. In my family, we have one hero who may not be the most powerful person (yet) and he may not have an opportunity to save lives (yet). The fact that he's only about 3 years old may have something to do with that.

Jacob is my hero. Each day he undergoes his treatments and he takes his medicines, he doesn't put up a fight, he just does them. He's at an age where he's begun to notice that he's doing things differently than any of the other kids. And it really does interrupt his life when he has to be taken away from his big sister or cousins to do a breathing treatment. Still, he keeps a smile on his face and continues to act like it doesn't bother him.

I have seem and heard testimonials from older kids, teenagers, who talk about doing their breathing treatments and how the routine is just a part of their lives. This amazes me. I know that when I as a teen, I wanted nothing more than to fit in. I can't imagine what it must be like to have to take medicine constantly and set aside the time each day to do breathers. I guess it just become natural, at some point. Doesn't it?

HERE IS THE ARTICLE ABOUT MY FRIEND PETER THAT APPEARED IN LAST SATURDAY'S LA DAILY NEWS.

RUNNING FOR OTHERS BRINGS FULFILLMENT
By Carol Rock
Staff Writer

VALENCIA -- Everything's coming up roses for Peter Lyons.
The coffeehouse worker has dropped 18 pounds and the feeling that he'd never be able to run more than a half-mile. Training for the Orange County marathon in December on a team supporting the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, the man who pours java for a living has found new friends and purpose.
Most of it traces back to a little guy named John Ross Murphy, Lyons' 7-year old nephew who lives in Bossier Parish, La. Diagnosed with cystic fibrosis when he was 11 months old, he inspires his uncle to do things Lyons never imagined he could.
Thus, the rosy outlook. "65 Roses" is what some children call their disease because the words are much easier for them to pronounce.
"The roses are also a way to describe the children, because most of them are diagnosed when they're little, they're delicate and beautiful like a rose," Lyons said.
Cystic fibrosis is a genetic disease that causes the body to produce abnormally thick, sticky mucus that clogs the lungs and obstructs the pancreas, causing life-threatening lung infections and preventing digestive enzymes from reaching the intestines to absorb food.
According to the national Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, CF occurs in approximately one out of every 3,900 births in America. About 1,000 new cases of CF are diagnosed each year and the median age of survival is just over 33 years.
Back home, Lyons' entire family was part of John Ross' support system, making sure he does breathing treatments twice a day and takes the right amount of enzymes, vitamins, decongestants and antacids so he can function normally.
"That boy is a bundle of energy," Lyons said. "He's a hellion, very creative and definitely one of a kind."
He added that John Ross doesn't feel sorry for himself, but has reached an age where he can ask questions about his condition. Lyons said the child was grateful that his 8-month-old brother, Grant Murphy, who does not have CF, didn't have to have saline squirted up his nose to breathe easier.
"When I left my family and moved to California, I was looking for a way to participate in helping the CF cause out here," he said. "I did the walk in Valencia the last three years, but I knew there had to be something more."
Lyons has been training with Scott Malchus, a Saugus man whose 2-year-old son, Jacob, has CF. Malchus ran the Honolulu marathon in 2003 and raised more than $11,000 for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. Lyons says having a local connection makes the universal plight of children with CF even more poignant.
"It's so interesting to get the parents' perspective," he said. "He can unload when we're running and tell me what he's been dealing with. Even though the kids are the ones that have the illness, the parents struggle every day, trying to be optimistic and keep their game faces on. There have been times that Scott tells me he's been scared for his son."
Lyons has been getting support from his employer, Starbucks, and various community groups. He launched a Web page at www.active.com/donate/TeamJohnRoss that shows a smiling youngster playing with his uncle and through which people can make pledges. Vincenzo's Pizza in Newhall is donating a percentage of sales Sept. 20 toward the cause. And Starbucks has pledged to match Lyons' donations up to $1,000.
"The experience has made me so aware of others," Lyons said. "It's so easy, especially in L.A., to focus just on yourself. I've tried, with this marathon, to put myself outside the comfort level. Every day I'm doing something for someone I don't know and may never meet, but it gives me an overwhelming sense of completeness.
"There's a saying I read somewhere that says 'Teach my untrained mind to sing the feelings of my heart,' and that helps me to go one more mile, even though it's 120 degrees outside. It carries over and affects who you are. I have a sense of being connected that I didn't have before."

Carol Rock, (661) 257-5252 carol.rock@dailynews.com

HOW YOU CAN HELP
A fund-raiser for TeamJohnRoss will be held Sept. 20 Vincenzo's Pizza. 24504 Lyons Ave., Newhall. For information, visit www.active.com/donate/TeamJohnRoss.

I hit a low point in training this past weekend. I’ve never felt so uninspired, uninterested, down on myself and lacking in energy than I did on Saturday. Oddly, I woke up that morning with a bundle of energy and felt like I’d be able to take on the ten mile run with no problem. Yet, it wasn’t meant to be that way.

I arrived at the Pasadena Rose Bowl and Robert (our coach) was discussing over training. Everything he said at our morning meeting pointed to the feelings I’ve been having. Perhaps I have been over training. I had had no enthusiasm for a couple of weeks and the every day stresses just allowed for me to not work as hard. But I never expected what happened on Saturday to happen.

I ran with my friend, Peter and we did a total of six miles out of the ten before I petered out. I mean, my body and mind just quit. I decided to walk the last three miles back to our cars. And Peter, being a nice guy, walked with me the whole way. I was disappointed in myself. I felt like I had let myself down. And I felt guilty for dragging Peter into my mental quagmire. I know that a majority of my worries stemmed from the fundraising aspect and the nagging injuries that have bothered me this year. I’m not going to go on about the money raised. Anyone of you who have read the journal has heard my whining. The injuries, however, are another story.

Am I doing myself harm by running this race? My back sure seems to ache a lot more in the morning. And I can’t tell you how uneasy it makes me feel when I bend my right knee and it sounds like celery crunching. I mean, honestly now, can that be good? I don’t think so.

So I went home. On the way home Jules called me in the car to let me know that the local edition of the LA Daily News ran a story about Peter, and that the story mentioned me. This was pretty exciting. Any news that spreads awareness about CF is good news. But when I told her about my bad run, she immediately knew what was going on.

After we read the article (which I am posting), she had tears in her eyes. Not necessarily from the content of the article, but because we hadn’t done something similar. She wants so badly for us to reach the fundraising goal. I couldn’t help think… “Damn, do I have the best wife, or what?” It’s at times like that that I am so thankful that we followed our hearts 11 years ago and didn’t listen to some of the nay Sayers who thought we were rushing into marriage. When you know whom your soul mate is, you know.

Later that night, we had dinner and spent some quality time with Budd and Karyn and their kids. At one point, Budd said to me, “If your back is hurting you so much, do you really want to run a marathon?” Essentially he was giving me an out. He was letting me know that people wouldn’t think less of me if I physically couldn’t do the marathon. What a great big brother. What a great friend. Just hearing his words gave me comfort, and they also gave me strength. “I have to do this. I have to do it for Jake.”

He looked at me. He knew I wasn’t going to back down. “All right,” he replied.

I suddenly felt renewed strength. I also decided that I was only going to run twice during the week and cross train or rest the other days. I am pushing myself too hard and I am beginning to feel splintered. There’s no way I would be able to last another three months like this.

Monday rode my bike. Yesterday I ran. Today I rested. Tomorrow I will run again. I have to say that this altered training routine feels much better already. And I have begun to repeat a couple of mantras to myself while I’m running. They are:

“I don’t care about my time. I’m not out to win the race. I just want to finish the marathon.”

And…

“I’m doing this for Jake.”

The mantras have helped. At the low points, I repeat these saying to myself and I seem to find some energy.

“I’m doing this for Jake.”

The money will come. I’ve already received a lot of donations from people I don’t know. If I can get some from the folks who gave last year, we may not make $15K, but we’ll come pretty darn close.

I’m feeling better and ready to tackle the world again.

Aloha

Sometimes I try to share letters or emails from friends and family that help me get motivated and rekindle the inspiration I need lately. This week has been hard in that my back continues to nag me and I've just been in a funk.

The fundraising hasn't been going as well as I'd hoped, though it's still early. I did run this morning, but I'll tell ya, I could have easily stayed in bed and slept.

And, wouldn't you know it, just as I'm settling into that funk, we received a wonderful email from our friend Amy Busic, in Cleveland. I'd like to share it with everyone:

******

HI Scott!

I just read some of your journal online and I am
sending you a big hug. I am glad that Jacob is
feeling better, but how scary that must have been. I
have recently been trying to understand my religious
beliefs, and I have been reading about yoga and it's
meditational benefits as well as studying about
Buddhism. I wanted to share a mantra with you that my
brother-n-law sent to me:

"May today there be peace within you.

May you trust that you are exactly where
you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities
that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have
received, and pass on the love that has been given
you."
Stephen Cope

You have been given a great joy and challenge with
Jacob. You can do this job. I wish we were closer to
help. We are always with you, and know that we are
here if you need anything. I know hugs are hard to
give over the phone, but whatever you need.

I just spoke with Julie and told her I am having knee
trouble. After I am fixed may be I can find the
courage and strength to run with you in next years
marathon. I have never run very much at all though,
but I can try:)

We send lots of hugs and kisses!
We love you, Amy

*****

Sometimes it takes someone a little removed from your life to kick you in the butt and remind you what all of this is all about, huh?

10 miles tomorrow morning. I'll have to take it slow, but speed doesn't matter.

Jake had a good doctor's appointment yesterday. They're happy with his weight gain, but a little concerned about his height. His lungs sound great, which is always what we want to hear. My brain's a little scattered. I need to get back into the writing groove.


Aloha

Labor Day again. Spent the day lounging around the house with the kids. I didn't want to go out and DO something. I had this thought today... whenever we have a day off; we sometimes leave the house and go somewhere. Today I wanted to hang out at our house. I love this house. We've worked so hard to get it to a place that we love. It's nice just to be here. Of course, Julie is here every day, so I understand why she has to get out sometimes.

I did not run this weekend. I woke up Saturday morning with my back flaring up. I had difficulty getting loose after climbing out of Jake's bed (he and his sister had taken my spot in my bed). I went to meet Peter at the Starbucks where he works and in the short ten minutes it took me to drive three, I knew I should not run at all that day, let alone 12 miles.

The back seemed to calm down by the end of the day, but it was sore again yesterday morning. However, it was night quite as bad as the previous morning, so I was optimistic about the rest of the week. Sure enough, the back is feeling so much better today that I will get up and try to jog in the morning.

I swear, though, I was ready to throw in the towel. I feel like there is so much pressure. I shouldn't have made my goal for $15K. I don't think I'm going to make it. And although I've said I don't care... I do care. I hate setting goals for myself and not achieving them. Listen, I was feeling guilty not running on Saturday for not running even though I was injured AND I've completed a marathon.

Let's not get into the whole church attendance guilt. (But church has something to do with my constant struggle with God and what has happened to Jake. I know, I know... I can't blame God for Jake's illness. But if you believe that Jake was given to Julie and me for a reason... and I do believe that. I believe that we're emotionally equipped- albeit not financially equipped- to love and care for him... but if you believe that he was given to us for this reason, then you have to believe that whomever is doing the giving already knew that Jake was going to have CF. This is a strange tangent and I need to end this parenthesis before I start looking like Herman Melville).

I’m itching to begin writing again. Sadly, I go back and forth between writing something I think may sell (money, again) or something I think will keep me interested artistically. I sooooo want to write something romantic and happy- for Julie, mainly. But I'm having a hard time getting to that place. I'm having a hard time remaining optimistic. I used to be somewhat like Candide and think that all would work out for the best. Whether I can ever be that type of person again, I don't know. Still, at the end of the Voltaire story (of which, I own a wonderful 1929 hardbound copy with illustrations-- Beth gave it to me long ago), Candide has the last line "'Tis well said, but we must cultivate our gardens".

Everything may have a reason, but really, you have to focus on the matters at hand and live your life each day at a time (swell, now I have Pat Harrington's "Schneider" stuck in my head. Worked with Pat Harrington once... but that's another story).

Aloha.

Last Wednesday we went through something I never expected. It was quite... horrific is the only word that first comes to mind. Looking back, I guess we were all in a bit of shock when we went to the emergency room for Jacob. And when it happened again on Thursday, you couldn't help but look up and ask "why?"

On Thursday morning, I tried to write down what I was feeling at that moment. I was fried and emotionally drained. Julie called soon after I finished writing this and I didn't post it. So here it is...


At 2:30 yesterday afternoon Julie called me at work. She was panicked because Jacob had something called RECTAL PROLAPSE. It’s something that can happen with Cf patients. To best define it, I’ll refer to this definition I found online: “Rectal prolapse is a condition in which the rectum (the lower end of the colon, located just above the anus) turns itself inside out. In the earliest phases of this condition, the rectum does not stick out of the body, but as the condition worsens, it may protrude.”

Julie and Jake were in the bathroom and all seemed normal, but when she went to lift him up, she saw his rectum sticking out of his bottom. Needless to say, she was distressed. How would you react? When she called, she was close to tears. I didn’t know what to do. She called Jake’s G/I doctor and he instructed her to try and push it back into Jake’s body. Julie tried, but to no avail. So, they went to the emergency room.

Thank God Heather Cruz was there. She had come by to pick up her son, Ben. Julie was babysitting him while Heather and Vill were at a movie. But Heather drove Julie and Jake to the hospital while I rushed home from Hollywood.

It’s always stressful going into a hospital, especially for something you know nothing about. Luckily, Julie had read about this condition before and looked at am illustration. She knew what was wrong when she called the doctor and took Jake into the hospital. When I got there, they were already in an examination area and had been spoken to by a doctor. Heather and Ben left and we waited until the staff was ready to fix up Jake.

They had to sedate him and that was scary in itself. You hear stories about complications from medicines. But Jake did fine. The poor guy was so out of it when he woke up with a bandage taped to his bottom. During the time when the doctor was putting everything back in order, I felt light headed for a couple of minutes. I didn’t get a look at his body. Still, I was overwhelmed with emotion and stress… I thought ˆ was going to get sick. Julie, on the other hand, really held it together. But both of us were on the verge of crying the whole time. Even now, as I write this, I full of anger and fear and sorrow and I’m clouding up.

After everything was done they did a cat scan of his belly, wanting to check if he was backed up. He’s obviously malnourishing. And this seems like an extension of a problem he had early last year when he got backed up and stopped eating. Here we thought he was just being 2 and not wanting to eat, and maybe he’s been clogged up and feels full all of the time. Who knows?

Our neighbor, Missy Miler, had picked up Sophie from school and thank god she did. Soph would have freaked out in the hospital. As it was, I believe she started to get scared, especially when she learned that we were in the hospital and not just the doctor’s office. When we got home she got really upset. Man, it was hard for all of us to keep it together.

Later on, when I went out to pick up Jake’s medicine (a strong laxative called Miralax), I had to pull over to the side of the road and bawl my eyes out. These past two weeks seem to come to a head at that moment and I couldn’t keep it in anymore. Still, it’s pretty emotional sitting here writing about everything.

Before he went to bed, Jake had to go to the bathroom again. Jules couldn’t even sit in the room with him she was so anxious. And I was trying to keep a smile on my face while Jake threw his Elmo ball to me every couple of seconds (and, hey, he’s learned how to catch a ball…. Good for him). Thankfully, everything was fine when we lifted him off the toilet. But I know Julie was freaked out, waiting for the next day when he has to go to the bathroom. She confirmed that this morning when I spoke to her briefly.

As the night came to an end and the kids finally fell asleep, Julie and I sat like zombies, staring at whatever mindless sitcom we could find on the television. We hardly laughed. Instead, we just watched in silence as inane plots played out in front of us.



**************



As you can tell, come Thursday night, I was in no mood to be writing about CF or running a damn marathon. I know Sophie had a hard time on Thursday. That day, we took here to Karyn's house. She knew we were at the hospital but still did not know why. She has been through a lot of hospital trips. She endured a lot when Julie was in the hospital before Jake was born. Man, that was a stressful time. And when Jake was in the hospital for a week with pneumonia back in 2002, I'm afraid Sophie took the brunt of my fears and concerns.

I hate that I ever lashed out at my little girl. She doesn't deserve that. And last week, when everything was going down, I could feel that kind of pressure building up inside of me.

I know this guy named Jay Marr, known him since junior high. Back in high school, he once got so angry with a girlfriend that he punched the windshield of his car and actually cracked it. That's how much anger he felt. And that's the kind of anger and aggression I was feeling Wednesday night. I wanted to lash out at something. I wanted to have my drums down from the rafters to pound the hell out of them. I just wanted to release. And that opportunity never presented itself. Yes, I did break down and cry after I pulled over to the side of the road. Somehow I overcame my own... embarrassment to let myself sob. That helped a little. But more and more, I can feel this pressure building up.

Jake took everything in stride on Thursday. When I arrived at the hospital to meet Julie and him, he was smiling and said, "Daddy, my butt hurt again."

I made myself look at his rectal prolapse on Thursday. I needed to see what it looked like in case I was ever alone with him and it happened. I was surprised how much it looked like... like raw meat. I guess that's what organs look like, isn't it? I wasn't grossed out and I didn't get light headed or anything like that. It was kind of surreal that this large piece of his insides could come out of that tiny hole in his bottom.

Since Thursday and being placed on the laxative, we haven't had any other incidents. Jake has had some major blowouts sitting on the pot. I guess that's good. He still complains that his tummy hurts and he won't eat anything. Is he just being 2 or is there something else?

Who the hell knows?

It really is a day-to-day thing, you know? That phrase "one day at a time" isn't just some bad McKenzie Phillips sitcom that ran for too many years. It's a fact of life... ugh, another bad sitcom reference. And on that note....

Aloha