Thanksgiving was really joy this year. Although the sadness of Kathy's death was felt by all, I really thought there was less stress than usual. All of the families had a wonderful time. We played football! I haven't done that in 12 years. I think it was the most enjoyable football game I've had since high school. Of course, I tweaked my knee and have been feeling a twinge ever since. I chose not to run Friday or Sunday, hoping the pain would subside. For the most part, I feel okay. I do get those occasional bouts of fear that I won't be able to walk in ten years or so. Have to push those aside... at least for another month.

Donations have begun to come in. I am happy to say that we've raised over $1000 so far. I'm not sure how much we'll raise this year. Every small bit counts, especially in a year that has seen two major catastrophes in the world.

I've been having some hard days lately. I think about the future and hate that I don't feel optimistic. I want to cry out to the world that my son is going to beat the odds... but there is a crushing feeling in my gut... another voice keeps saying the opposite. I hate myself for feeling this way. I hate myself for admitting these fears and feelings. I want to be full of hope. But too often, I just want to cry and say "why him? Why Jacob?" And I get pissed off at God and want to shout from the roof tops "Take me instead!"

But it doesn't work that way, now does it? I am so thankful for the hope and optimism of our family and friends. They lift me up... they lift us all up. Maybe it's the weather. I hate the cold. Or maybe I'm just feeling weak and useless. I can't fix Cf. I don't have that power. And soon, my body won't allow me to punish it anymore. Then what? What can I do that will inspire people to donate to this cause?

That's the real challenge. Keeping other people involved and supporting the search for a cure. I don't know how Julie can read about the effects of the illness and not be more downtrodden. Me? I feel like I'm betraying our family just writing these feelings. But you all have to know what it's like. You have to know about this rollercoaster. And don't feel sorry for me. Feel sorry and say prayers for the people with CF. They're the ones who need you.

Have to go now.

Aloha

Ran those 9 miles and man was it a mixture of toughness and just the will to finish the run. The first half, I almost didn't think I would finish. As I turned the corner to the my last half of the run, I wiped out and slammed my shoulder on the cement. Man, that hurt. I toughed it out though and I'm really glad I did it.

Still, not the most enjoyable morning. I was wiped out the rest of the day.

I've given up coffee for awhile (again). The past week I've felt so drained by the end of the day. Even now, at the end of my work day, I'm feeling so much more energized.

Big day for American Standard. There was an announcement in The Hollywood Reporter. Got my name in there and everything. Pretty damn cool. If I do say so myself.

That's all for today.

Aloha

Been a tough week getting motivated to run. Lots of issues dealing with the whole writing thing. I know, stop complaining, right? Today is the last day of shooting for American Standard. That's pretty darn exciting. Let's all hope it turns out as great as we hope it can. After working a month on a project with Wes' friend, had to ditch it because there is an exact duplicate project going on with a big studio. That's been the frustrating and depressing element of the past couple days. Sometimes, being a writer sucks.

So, with the thought of having to come up with some new ideas, plus trying to thing of a plot for Soulless 2, I didn't run very long this morning. That's not good, since I have to run 9 miles this Sunday, Man, am I going to be hurting come Monday morning.

We've raised 800 dollars so far, which is pretty good all things considered. Not sure how much we'll end up raising this year. I started LATE and it's been a rough year for people financially. I received a great letter from a former co-worker, Lindsay Rogers. He used to work with me at Klasky Csupo and was a constant ray of support and optimism. The envelope was decorated by one of his daughters (at least, I assume it was one of his daughters). On it, there was a circle around the words Cystic Fibrosis with a slash through the words (think Ghostbusters). How thoughtful that they took the time not only to write a kind letter, but to show support and enthusiasm with the artwork. I think it is very touching.

Jake is on Pulmicort for a month, in place of his dosages of Cromolyn. Pulmicort is a steroid. He was put on it because he's had a cough every time he gets really excited (like running or, especially, when Sophie makes him laugh REALLY REALLY hard). I can't tell you how painful it is to write that he even has a small cough. I don't want to have these symptoms of Cf. I know that's selfish because there are so many kids sicker than Jake, but it's how I feel.

I've said this before, but it's worth repeating. You live your day in this sort of vacuum. A routine forms and the constant reminder of the illness kind of gets placed away somewhere where you don't collapse from angst and stress. But the moment you acknowledge that something has changed... that something may be getting worse... it's a little devastating. And a piece of you crumbles.

Running 9 miles suddenly seems like nothing.

Woke up to run on Sunday but the Santa Clarita Marathon had all of my regular running paths closed off. Decided to head home and spend time with the family. On Saturday, the kids and I prepped all of the letters and sent out 90. Each letter included two magnets. I also sent 120 to Beth, leaving me with around 200... or so I thought. Spoke with Dave this afternoon and he still has 500 more magnets. Yeesh.

Have to get up and run tomorrow and get back into the swing of things. I only have to run 6 miles this weekend, so I'm not too concerned that I missed last weekend. I nearly did 9 the previous weekend, so I believe I'll be fine.

Jake seems to have worked through most of his cold. He does have a little cough, though, which concerns us. Julie called the clinic this afternoon.

Heading home soon.

Aloha

Did a long run on Sunday. 8 1/2 miles , maybe a little more. Turns out I only needed to do 6 miles and 8 this weekend. Perhaps I should pay attention to my training schedule. Nevertheless, I was very pleased with myself because I was able to switch up to a 4/1 run walk ratio half way through the run. When I was done, though... Oh boy, were my legs sore. Can getting older really mean this much pain?

speaking of getting older, yesterday was my birthday. The day began really nice, but then something turned while driving to work. I listened to some Springsteen and having that alone time in my car made me reflect on my age, what it means for CF patients, and how much I love my family. I was crying by the time I arrived in Burbank and never quite recovered until the end of the day.

Steve sent me some nice emails. Can't believe he remembers my birthday each year. I'm so lame to forget his. Well, I don't forget it. I just miss it... which may be worse. I mean, plan ahead Malchus.

In the end, I got home and the kids sand me a rousing version of the "Bear in the Blue House" birthday song, and I couldn't stop smiling. I am so lucky to have these two little ones love me so much. So often, I don't feel like a great dad. But I can see in their eyes that I'm doing an okay job. And Jules made a tremendous lasagna. After the kids were in bed, we just cuddled. I had told her about my stress, and she really helped me relax and comforted me.

Don't know if 36 is significant year, but I'll remember this one.

Got up and ran this morning, but only managed 20 minutes. I think that knowing I wouldn't have to increase my mileage this week allowed me to slack a bit.

The letter is written./ The magnets are in (and look awesome...thanks Dave.) Everything gets shipped this weekend. Hopefully the emails will go out sooner. No promises.

Aloha

So the new routine of Wednesday/Friday seems to work. I got up at 5:30 again this morning and was out by 6:20. Decided to reverse my route to mix things up. Boy, it really played a trip on my head. By about the third mile, I started anticipate[anticipating when I would reach my next landmark. And when another jogger passed me, I really got anxious, just like a real race situation.

Turned out to be a good thing, though. I worked through the anxiety and ended with the same time I would had I run the regular route.

Great news to pass on: I am now officially a paid writer. The American Standard began filming this week and I got the check today. I can't describe how accomplished I feel. Feels great. Now, on to the next one.

That's all for now.

Aloha

Yesterday's run was pretty good. It began a little slow and I wasn't sure if that had to do with it being 6:30 on a Sunday morning, or my own weary body. But I was amazed that by mile 6 I felt great and even considered extending the run past 7 miles. I'm glad I did not. My shoes, on their last legs, are shot and my legs were killing me all day.

While running, I also came up with a new plan. I think that next year I'll run in the Santa Clarita Marathon/1/2 marathon instead of whatever run the Cf Foundation is involved with. Not only will it be less hassle, but the training will end before Thanksgiving and I can use the holidays to recoup instead of stressing over missed long runs.

On another level, it feels appropriate to have the training and fundraising culminate so close to Jake's birthday (the SC Marathon is in early November). So, that's the plan for next year, Until then... Carlsbad here we come.

Aloha

Had an awesome run this morning. 4 miles is just under 45 minutes. Woke up at 5:30 (not entirely by choice) and got out of the house around 6:10. The weather was cool, but not so cold that I needed sweat pants, like Wednesday. As I circled back toward home, the sun broke over the horizon and the sky came alive with a glowing yellow and orange hue. The trail I ran lead behind a subdivision and huge stacks of woodchips sat off to the side of the pavement. Steam rose from these sweet, woodsy smelling masses, reminding me of oversized dung heaps.

As more light came upon the day, I was amazed to see my breath. Was it really that cold out? I hadn't felt this good running in a long time. Maybe it's Beth becoming a part of the team and feeling a challenge. Maybe it's me just getting my ass in gear, finally. Not sure, but it felt great to bee running.

Got to work and Dave had emailed me the proofs for the magnets. We should have them in a couple of weeks. They look great. Sophie's design is wonderful.

Something about a good run in the morning. Puts me in the right frame of mind to have a good day.

Aloha

So, it's great to see that Beth has made an entry. Very exciting to me.

Had another one of those moments this morning. Jake asked how old I am. I said, "I'm 35, Jake." He said, "I'm 34, Daddy." The cuteness of that exchange was ruined in my head when the first thing that came to mind was the mediaan age of people afflicted with Cf.

Even an innocent moment with my son is ruined by this disease.

Aloha

A small reminder of the nature surrounding our neighborhood: This morning, as I ran for 40 minutes, a woman stopped me to pint out a coyote that was roaming around one of the new developments. She was nervous and walked off in the opposite direction. I stood and stared at the coyote for a moment before it turned and darted back into some brush and probably wandered into the hills.

It's easy to forget that these animals inhabited the land we live on before some developer decided that Santa Clarita was the new hot spot to live.

My run this morning felt very good. I'm always amazed that after several days off, I'm not as lethargic as I think I should feel. Gives me hope that I'll be okay come January. I just have to stay motivated.

worked on the letter yesterday. Waiting to hear back from Dave.

Aloha

Ran this weekend, but not the full 7 I was supposed to. Wanted to get home and clean the house some before Jules and the kids returned from Ohio. I was geared up to run this morning, but it was pouring rain. No one in their right mind would go out in this weather.

Beth called on Sunday and she completed a half marathon that day. Way to go Beth. She's all set to take care of her portion of this year's marathon.

On "Grey's Anatomy", a medical drama we watch on Sunday's, one of the hospital patients was a man afflicted with CF. I know it was fiction, but both Julie and I were a little disappointed with the portrayal. As sick as this guy's lungs were supposed to be, he did not have a cough, and he looked way too healthy (despite the plot line that he was a triathlete). Still, for thee millions of viewers who watched that show that night, CF was in their minds and they couldn't help but be moved when the character died during surgery. The writers were smart to have his reason for being hospitalized have something to do with his pancreas and not the lungs.

When he did die, I was sad and a little pissed. Is this the only end for CF patients on TV. Jake had joined us on the couch and I held his arm while the scenes played out.

I should be doing more. Have to write my letter. Feeling like I'm letting everything slide.

Aloha

PS- Invited Beth to join in on the blog entries.

Julie and the kids have been away all week and it's been a struggle to get up and running. I hate when they're away because I end up staying awake too late. For example, why would anyone sit through 5 hours of Lord of the Rings movies unless they had a lot of time on their hands. They come tomorrow and I'm very excited. My lack of dedication is bothering me, though I do not fear that I won't be able to run the half marathon.

Spoke with Dave earlier in the week and the magnets should be here in two weeks. I'm going to work on my letter next week and have it ready by the time the magnets arrive.

This year really has been different than the other two. I feel like there is so much going on. Not just activities, but also just mental fatigue. My new MP3 player is now chock full of music. More music than I'll probably ever listen to (at least, during a ha;f marathon).

I really like the new job. I think this is a great working environment and a place to grow. Feels strange that I'm saying that at age 35. Shouldn't I already be set in the career I'm want? Then again. I have a couple movies being made within the next six months, so I should stop whining. I like animation and it continues to provide for us. If I can continue to work here while writing scripts, life will be awesome.

Aloha

Once again, a successful morning run. Still didn't get in the full time I was supposed to. I guess I'll have to wake up earlier. Great. Still, with the new MP3 player, the music really carried me along and I felt like the running was becoming a little easier.

Jules and the kids are going back to Ohio for a week starting Saturday and I'm already missing them. With the new job keeping me later into the night, my evening quality time with them is limited. And the mornings... Well, let's just say no one is at their best in the morning, except maybe Sophie. She always has a smile on her face. She received an award at school yesterday for excellence in reading. I'm so proud of her. I have to watch myself, though. She got a grade on giving an oral report to her class and everything was "Outstanding" except for one "Good" and I immediately commented that she didn't get a "perfect" grade. What's up with that, man? Instead of looking at the immensely positive of the grade, I zeroed in on a negative.

Man, that's something I thought I'd never do and I really have to become more aware of it. Just another sign that I am more like my parents than I thought.

But, back to my point. I feel like my quality time with the kids has been slipping away. I relish the weekends more than ever. I know it's just a week, but I'm going to be pretty lonely by myself, that's for sure. Perhaps I'll see some movies. I doubt I'll get any writing done. What I write next is kind of up in the air. My mind's still not in it, yet. Yet, I'll continue to use this new energy for running and press harder the few days I don't have to be home to help get Soph ready for school.

That's all for now.

Aloha

Ran for almost 30 minutes this morning. I was tired getting up, but one I got out there, the cobwebs cleared and I felt good. Need to get new shoes this weekend. These old ones (whoch are a 1/2 size too big) have lost their cushion. My legs are achy every time I complete a run.

Purchase a new MP3 player yesterday. Nothing fancy, just something to use for my runs to help pass the time.

Not much to report on our front. Work is going well. Heard from Steve this afternoon. Always good to talk to him. Watched some more of that Scorsese Dylan documentary and ow I'm of to bed.

Aloha

After not running all of last week (can we really count my Monday run?), I hit the pavement on Sunday morning with new vigor. The first week of work was behind me. The rewrites of American Standard are of the past. And all of the hanging chads that needed to be worked out in order for us to move on had been accounted for. So, when I took off running Sunday (which will become my new long run day), I had a calmness about me that I had not had in a long time.

I attacked my old foe, the Decoro hill, and was pleased that I was winded when I reached the top. I was actually pushing myself instead of going trhough the motions. And man, my body STILL hurts. But it's a good pain. A reminder that I'm out to raise money to beat this disease.

The magnet design has been sent to Dave (and he received it) and so far, it looks like we'll have the magnets by the end of October. I have a couple of weeks to write the leeter, so I better get started.

I feel positive about the run for the first time since I began. Figures it was at the turn of the month.

aloha.

The week is half over and I ma very excited about the new job. There is a lot of adjusting to do, but I still feel this will pay off in the long run. I completed my revision of The American Standard and I believe I will have limited interaction with the production from here on out. Not because I want it that way. It's just the way events have been playing out. Bummer.

I ran Monday and today and plan to get up tomorrow and run a third day. After taking most of the last two weeks off, I feel good about getting out there so early in the morning. I am sending off a magnet design to Dave this week and hope to have my letter out before the end of October. I feel like it's really lat to send out the letter and this is a little stressful. But I feel like it's been a weird time in our country, what with the two disasters that shook Louisiana.

That said, I know that the CF Foundation is working to help those victims from the hurricanes who suffer from CF. That is a point I may bring up in my letter.

Spoke with Beth over the weekend and she's training hard. I'm excited that Team Malchus will have two participants this year.

Aloha

I must apologize for the long delay. A lot has gone on in the past two weeks and the decisions I made took precedence (and energy from) over writing in the journal.

I have left my job at Klasky Csupo to take a new job at Cartoon Network. It was a difficult decision to make, but I feel it is one that will lead to greater benefits. What that has meant is training my replacement at an earlier hour than I am used to and taking away from my training time. The new job begins on Monday and I should feel anxious. However, I have been dealing with other professional issues that I have not had time to dwell on the change ahead of me.

See, I've been revising a draft of one of my scripts, "The American Standard", which has been optioned and will go into production in late October of this year. This draft was a challenge because I'm no longer the guy who created the project. Now, that title falls to the director and I am the writer. It's something I thought would be easy to relinquish once the project got funded, but I must admit it's been difficult to let go. You spend years of your life working and reworking a story idea, and at some point your involvement dwindles.

Ironically, I wrote this script to be just that kind of project. And since the funding came through and a director was chosen, I have come to terms with everything. I completed a new draft of the script on Friday and I'll pretty much find out tomorrow if the producers want me to continue writing on the project or whether they'll go back to the director (or another writer). Whatever they decide, I'm glad I have Monday to distract me form a) the disappointment or b) the continued stress on writing. That said, I have learned that two of the producers are happy with the latest draft, so the stress of waiting has been lifted.

I didn't run this morning. I am a little bummed, but I know I can make it all up this week. I plan to get back on track this week and really dedicate myself. In addition, I have come up with artwork for magnets and pens this year (through Dave, of course. Once these promotional items are complete, I'll send my fundraising letter out.

So, the big changes begin on Monday. It's very exciting, but a little sad. I did love working with Barbara and the people at Klasky Csupo. But the time was right. And I felt that the job coming to me like it did was a sign that the time is now.

Aloha

It's been a long week and there was so much going on that I couldn't muster the energy to write. Sad, I know. I was so damned stressed that I had stomach aches by the end of last week.

I have taken a new job at Cartoon Network. The opportunity arose and I felt that I shouldn't pass it up, not with the way things are going at Klasky Csupo. I'm not sure if there would be a job for me at KC past October. The risk of losing our benefits is something we can't take. Although I initially turned down this job, the news of KC looked even grimmer a day later and I immediately called my friend who offered me the job to see if it was still available. It was.

The nerve racking part is that it's less pay and, of course, trying to figure out the benefit situation. We spent all last week going over our finances and looking for ways to make it work. I believe we've come up with a solution. It's not perfect, but we'll be able to stay on our feet.

The constant stress about this job situation made it twice as hard to concentrate on running. I did run three times last week, but after I accepted the job, my body was ravaged. I had internalized so much stress that I had used up as much energy as when I run long distance. When Saturday came, I was too exhausted to get up and run.

On top of this stress was the delivery of a draft of my script for "The American Standard", a film that is being produced later this year. This new version of the script was not written by me and there were some significant changes to it. It has been an eye opening experience dealing with the optioning and the production of this script. I mean, once you hand it off to someone and sign the papers, it's not really yours any more. Having had almost complete control over "King's Highway", this was a rude awakening to the real Hollywood machine. All weekend long I worried about why the script was altered and whether I would remain involved with the project (and would I be sharing the writing credit).

I got my answers today and I am a little bummed by what I was told. I hope to be involved with further revisions.

This is a strange time. Starting a new job. Finally accomplishing the sale of a script. I should be so much happier. But I still have so much anxiety and uncertainty that I'm consuming mass quantities of Tums. I could barely muster 15 minutes of running before my head got the better of me and my body shut down.

You come out here and you chase the dream. And really, the dreams have been achieved. A loving wife. The greatest kids you could ever imagine. A couple of movies. From the outside my reality must look pretty awesome. So why do I feel so glum? Why can't I just revel in the good fortune?

Aloha

It's been a long day. We took Jake for a doctor's appointment today and they had to take x-rays and draw blood. Although those two parts of the visit were difficult (Jake is quite a fighter), the good news is that he gained 4 pounds and grew an inch. We're thrilled, to say the least. As I sit here now, I'm wiping away tears, though. I know, I know, it's just a television show, but the end of tonight's "Rescue Me" ripped my heart out. The son of a main character was killed and it was heart wrenching to watch. I kept sitting there, hoping, praying that this imaginary character would live, but knowing that he would not.

Great art will do that to you. Obviously, I thought of my own children. No, I don't expect them to die. But life is so fragile. One slip and everything changes. I would be nothing without Julie, Sophie and Jacob. Those three people make me a complete human being. My life is meaningless without their presence.

I received several bootlegs of Springsteen's tour (have I mentioned that?) and there is a new acoustic version of "The Rising" that I can't get out of my head. Even now, three years later, that song resonates with me. It will be forever connected to my children.

I love them dearly and will continue to do my best for them.

Aloha.

A quiet weekend for us. Seann's fiance, Natalie, is in town until Tuesday and she is up visiting with him. I ran 4 miles yesterday despite not really training during the week. Somehow I completed it 2 minutes shorter than last week. Go figure. The effects of Hurricane Katrina still linger on all of our minds. It's difficult to grasp, sometimes, that the devastation that looks like a third world country is actually a part of our United States. It is equally strange that our lives out here in California go on like normal, and these poor people are living in misery. Reminds me of the days following 9/11 and we all had to return to work. I can remember driving in my car, watching people casually go to work, singing with their radios, and I thought, "How can you act like the world hasn't changed?"

I feel a little like that now. We've all changed.

Spent the night with the Malchus' of Stevenson Ranch. After a great dinner, Budd, Seann, Natalie, Budd's neighbor, Tracy, and I went to Doc's, a dark, hole in the wall bar close by. The music was loud and you could barely speak to each other. It was kind of nice to get out, but I would have preferred to go out with Jules somewhere. It's been too long since we had an evening to ourselves.

Today was very laid back. Cleaning the car, a little shopping, etc. We all look forward to an extra day off tomorrow.

Aloha