Monday, September 06, 2004

Labor Day again. Spent the day lounging around the house with the kids. I didn't want to go out and DO something. I had this thought today... whenever we have a day off; we sometimes leave the house and go somewhere. Today I wanted to hang out at our house. I love this house. We've worked so hard to get it to a place that we love. It's nice just to be here. Of course, Julie is here every day, so I understand why she has to get out sometimes.

I did not run this weekend. I woke up Saturday morning with my back flaring up. I had difficulty getting loose after climbing out of Jake's bed (he and his sister had taken my spot in my bed). I went to meet Peter at the Starbucks where he works and in the short ten minutes it took me to drive three, I knew I should not run at all that day, let alone 12 miles.

The back seemed to calm down by the end of the day, but it was sore again yesterday morning. However, it was night quite as bad as the previous morning, so I was optimistic about the rest of the week. Sure enough, the back is feeling so much better today that I will get up and try to jog in the morning.

I swear, though, I was ready to throw in the towel. I feel like there is so much pressure. I shouldn't have made my goal for $15K. I don't think I'm going to make it. And although I've said I don't care... I do care. I hate setting goals for myself and not achieving them. Listen, I was feeling guilty not running on Saturday for not running even though I was injured AND I've completed a marathon.

Let's not get into the whole church attendance guilt. (But church has something to do with my constant struggle with God and what has happened to Jake. I know, I know... I can't blame God for Jake's illness. But if you believe that Jake was given to Julie and me for a reason... and I do believe that. I believe that we're emotionally equipped- albeit not financially equipped- to love and care for him... but if you believe that he was given to us for this reason, then you have to believe that whomever is doing the giving already knew that Jake was going to have CF. This is a strange tangent and I need to end this parenthesis before I start looking like Herman Melville).

I’m itching to begin writing again. Sadly, I go back and forth between writing something I think may sell (money, again) or something I think will keep me interested artistically. I sooooo want to write something romantic and happy- for Julie, mainly. But I'm having a hard time getting to that place. I'm having a hard time remaining optimistic. I used to be somewhat like Candide and think that all would work out for the best. Whether I can ever be that type of person again, I don't know. Still, at the end of the Voltaire story (of which, I own a wonderful 1929 hardbound copy with illustrations-- Beth gave it to me long ago), Candide has the last line "'Tis well said, but we must cultivate our gardens".

Everything may have a reason, but really, you have to focus on the matters at hand and live your life each day at a time (swell, now I have Pat Harrington's "Schneider" stuck in my head. Worked with Pat Harrington once... but that's another story).


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