Got home from Ohio in fine condition. The screening went very well. I was totally surprised by exactly who showed up to the screening. I was sure that my old college roommates would be there, but when my old high school friend James Oyler and the star of my senior film, Brody McDonald, walked in, I was floored. Both men drove 2 hours to come see the film. How flattering. Unfortunately they had to leave before I could have any real conversation with them. Luckily I have their email addresses.

The film went over nicely with the crowd of mostly friends and family. I would say that there were about 60 people in attendance, 40 of which were people I expected. Those students that did show up all expressed that they had liked it. I only received a couple of criticisms. Oh well, you can't please everyone.

I was especially proud that the evening raised close to $1000.00! I couldn't believe it. Even without a sold out crowd, we raised that much in donations. I am so proud of Seann and the great job he and his organization did.

Before the screening I went to dinner with Beth and Tom. That was a nice time. They are doing well. Afterwards, I adjourned to Pollyeyes with all of my old college friends. Present were Dan Skrovan, Brian McMahon, Brad Shaeffer and Chris Hurley, all roommates from the Ridge Street Blue House. Hurley brought Caroline Oberhaus, a great lady who is a couple years younger than me. She was also in band with us. And of course, Bob was there. Brad's wife, Roz, was with us and Seann and Natalie joined us as well.

It was so wonderful to have all of these people in one room again. It is rarer and rarer that we can all get together, especially for me being in Los Angeles. The Lambs (Uncle Ben, Aunt Dorty, Dave, Diane and Diane's boyfriend, Dave) were in a nearby booth so I was able to spend some time with them, too. After Pollyeyes we went to a bar called Downtown where we basically stood around and shouted to each other.

I ran into the same two film students I has seen on Friday at the bar (they also came to the screening). Their names are Jon and Matt and they really were complimentary. I was kind of anxious about how these guys would react. I know that when I was in college I was a little full of myself and thought I knew everything. I'm sure if some independent filmmaker had come to BG back then, I would have looked at a film like "King's Highway" and said, "Hmph, I can do better." So, that they liked it really means a lot.

I swear that I must have smoked a couple of cigarettes by the amount of second hand smoke I consumed in that bar. I left it with my mouth tasting like crap and my lungs hurting. After leaving Downtown with cousin Dave, I was pretty much shang-heighed for another hours, trying to get home and get some sleep before having rise up at 7 in the morning. It became something out of Scorsese's "After Hours". I have some good material in that night; I just have to write it down.

Sunday came and we had a nice breakfast with Mike and Marissa. They revealed that they're planning to move back to Cleveland. I was surprised to hear this. But, you have to follow where your heart leads you. I flew home on an uneventful flight and came home to two loving children screaming for me and a beautiful wife ready to hand those kids off. Ha, ha.

It's good to be home, despite all of our money worries. I would rather be stressed and in the company of these three people, than alone and the richest man in the world.

I plan to get back to running tomorrow morning. I'll try to take the Decoro hill and the long loop. I need to get some long runs in before we do the 20. I am not surer whether I will get 18 miles in before then.

Aloha.

We are now in one of the new BG computer labs. I ran only 8 miles last night before my legs began cramping up from the wind and cold. I believe it was in the high 30's when I finally finished! We tested the DVD at the theater and it looks like it will project fine. Getting kind of anxious about the whole thing, but I'm sure it will be fine.

Beth and Tom are coming up early for dinner and that should be fun. Bob has been here since last night and it's been wonderful just hanging out with him. We spent most of last night at our old campus hangout, Pollyeyes. After several drinks we went to one of the college bars for a about 15 minutes before I really began feeling old.

I miss Julie and the kids terribly. Thank goodness I can call them anytime. Can't wait to get home tomorrow.

One thing I don't miss about Ohio is the smoking. All of my clothes smell like cigarettes. Disgusting. That's one reason we won't be moving back to Ohio any time soon. I can't imagine what that type of polluted air would do to Jacob's lungs. And it's not like these "no smoking" rooms are actually sealed off from the smokers. In fact, the place we ate lunch at had the smoking room in the front of the restaurant. Ugh.

That's all for now.

Aloha.

I'm sitting in a Bowling Green tech lab where the movie is being dubbed from dv to DVD.

In arrived in Ohio at about 5:15 this morning and sat in the Cincy airport for almost 2 hours. I attempted to sleep on the floor with my head on my duffle and one of those airplane pillows. Not the most comfortable items. I think I slept some. It's all a little blurry. Arrived in Toledo around 9-ish and Sean picked me up a half hour later.

It was very strange driving into Bowling Green. I haven't been on campus in a couple of years (I think I've said that before). Sitting here in this tech lab, it's almost surreal. I'm lounging around, watching the movie record in real time. A few minutes will pass and I'll look up out the window at campus life. I feel so out of place. And old.

We got a nice little blurb in the Toledo paper. Something smaller in the BG campus paper (which was a little disappointing).

I've spoken to Jules and the kids a couple of times. Sophie was really sad last night and this morning. I'll have to make it up to her.

Seann and I have measured out about 5 miles so far. I have to figure out the other 4 to get my 9 mile loop set. Might need a nap before I run, though.

Seann just returned with some grub, so I'm signing off now.

Bob's coming in tonight. Looking forward to that.

Aloha.

Don't know why I didn't write yesterday. I had every opportunity to do so. I did run during my lunch break. Once again I ran through Hollywood and the area. I did not run the same route as Monday. I opted to run one big loop that took me just under an hour (like, 3 seconds under an hour). I must have run at least 6 miles. I was running faster than I have with the groups on the Saturday run, that’s for sure. I began with a 4/1 and switched to 5/1 at whatever point I thought was halfway back to the office.

This was a much better experience than the run on Monday. I think because I knew exactly the course I was running (instead of running aimlessly throughout a neighborhood) I felt like I was actually going somewhere. Kind of like L.A. traffic vs. driving in Ohio. In Ohio, if you drive for 30 minutes, you actually GET someplace. In Los Angeles, 30 minutes gets you from you house to the video store around the corner.

(What's that line from "Singles"? "People love their cars.")

I digress.

Vill made 2 copies of the movie, one VHS and one dv. There’s a chance we'll be able to burn a DVD copy when I'm in BG tomorrow. If possible, I would prefer to screen the movie in that format because, once projected, it will look much sharper and clearer. Plus the audio will be digital. We'll have to wait and see on that one.

Did some yoga this morning. I almost got through the whole 1/2 hour before I went back to the bedroom where the kids were watching cartoons while Julie tried to stay asleep.

You know, I was dreading the 18 miler tomorrow, but I feel a lot better about it after yesterday's run. It will still take me some 3 hours, but I know I can do it. And, I finally changed some of the songs in my MP3 player, so the run won't be the same in my ears.

That's all for now.

Aloha.

Did not workout this morning. Got home at 2:30 from the audio lay down. Everything sounds great. I'm very excited.

Jacob had an appointment today at Children's Hospital with his pulmonary physician; Dr. Margetis (sp.) Julie took him while I had Sophie visit me at work. I love having her visit. She's so much fun to watch. And she's very sweet.

Jake's appointment didn't go as well as planned. He hasn't grown in the 8 weeks that have passed between his last visit. 8 weeks! And he hasn't grown an inch or gained any weight. It's like I don't know what to do. We feed him anything with fat in it. And we have done everything his doctor's have laid out for him. And still he doesn't grow.

You can't realize how distressing this is to hear when you're a parent. And the doctor mentioned extreme situation in which some kids get bags inserted into their abdomens so that they can have night feedings.

When Julie found Sophie and me as we walked out of McDonalds, I took my sleeping son in my arms while Julie has some lunch. After she told me everything I was on the verge of crying. I held this innocent little boy and I wanted to squeeze him so tight that the CF would ooze out of him. Wishful thinking, I know.

We have been so blessed that his lungs remain healthy (I almost don't want to say those words out loud), but he is under nourished and you can't help but feel like you're doing something wrong. Yet, we're doing every damn thing we know how to do.

There's nothing you can do to detect that they're not growing. I honestly thought he'd grown taller. He FEELS bigger to me. I just can't fathom how he hasn't grown an inch.

But, this is the disease. This is the torment we face every freaking day.

You only want your kids to be safe and healthy, you know? Is that too much to ask?

Ran this afternoon in Hollywood. It was the first time I've run outside since last Tuesday and I could really feel the difference. There is so much to say about running outdoors; the treadmill just isn't the same.

I ran by work, in Hollywood. I didn't have an exact route and that was a little distracting. But I did run for about 50 minutes, so I at least got my time in. Hollywood is so much dirtier than Santa Clarita. And I was a little on edge because I wasn't sure what exactly was lurking around the corner. I don't want to sound paranoid, but there are definitely some strange individuals who lurk the streets of Hollywood.

Sadly, many of them homeless and suffer from mental illness. It's just depressing.

Something new has come about. My rear end (i.e. my ass) has started to get sore on my right side. I started to feel this during the 16 mile run. I thought this soreness would go away with the extra days off. Guess not.

The rest of the hats arrived today. There are now mesh running caps (or practice caps, like baseball players wear). They come in white and blue. Very nice looking.

Tonight we're laying down the audio for "King's Highway". I'm really getting jazzed up about the screening this weekend. I'm not as nervous as I was back in June, just excited for all of my family and friends to see it on a big screen. I've figured that I just need 80 people to show up and we'll earn enough to give me my goal of $10,000. Seann has really been trying to sell tickets and my other brother in law, Michael, is pitching it to his students.

My other college friends are trying to get other alumni to make the drive out to Bowling Green, as well. In fact, my fraternity little brother, Dave Marinelli, is involved with the Cleveland BGSU Alumni chapter and he sent out our massive email to everyone he regularly send announcements to.

Like I said, it's getting exciting. Still, it really is a drag that Julie and the kids won't be there to be a part of it. I'm going to miss them terribly.

The last time I went to Cleveland by myself (for bob's wedding in 2002) I called them every other hour. At one point I was a blubbering idiot talking to Julie in downtown Cleveland. Hopefully I won't break down in tears like that this time.

That's all for now. I am a little anxious about running 18 miles on my own, but I think I can handle it. We'll see.

Aloha.

Saturday, Nov. 1, 2003

Ahhh, my birthday.

It's that one day when I feel really special. Probably because I have a family that loves me so much and they let me be a lounger on my birthday. Julie, in particular, is very big on letting a birthday person have the day off.

We started the day with pancakes and then went to see a film called "Good Boy" which was aimed directly at Sophie's age. Jake wouldn't sit still for more than 10 minutes and Julie spent the rest of the movie walking around with him throughout the movie theater. Soph seemed to enjoy the movie (it's about talking dogs from outer space. That's VERY general, but you get the idea).

Didn't run for the second day in a row. I decided to take the entire weekend off and let my body get some extra rest. I've talked about feeling like I'm hitting a wall, and so I decided this was the perfect opportunity (i.e. not having to run 18 miles) to pull back for a couple of days.

The rest of the day was spent hanging out. Jake fell asleep and Julie took Sophie to go shopping for Jake's birthday. I am amazed that he is almost 2 years old. We've all grown so much in those 2 years. Before Jake was born, CF was just another disease you heard about occasionally. Now, it preoccupies our daily lives (that and figuring out where we'll get enough money to pay bills).

It was nice to get calls from Beth and Zyg (they sang me "Happy Birthday". Beth and I plan to meet for dinner on Saturday when I'm in Bowling Green) and my parents. I love cracking my dad up every year when I thank him and mom for having sex 34 years ago. I think I've been saying that for the past few years. Seems to make him laugh every time.

For dinner, Jules and I went out to eat by ourselves while Vill and Heather watched the kids. Afterwards, we went to their house for desert. Julie made "forgotten desert", a concoction that my mother has perfected and is so awesome it is beyond words. And now, Julie has perfected making it as well. I could eat 5 helpings of it, if it didn't make me sick to my stomach (there's a lot of sugar).

After the kids went to bed, Jules and I just relaxed and let the day wind down. A nice ending to "my" day. Let the 34th year begin.

Aloha.

Halloween was great fun. I was so amazed with Sophie. Not only was she undeterred by the drizzling rain (everyone carried umbrellas), but also she was running off ahead of me with the other girls while I fell back because I was carrying Jake. We went trick-or-treating with our neighbors, the Millers, and both kids came away with a lot of candy. The fires and the rainy weather drove away most of the kids this year. From what we were told, it's usually very busy in our neighborhood every year. Something to look forward to next year.

Jake, of course, refused to wear his costume... he even refused to wear his jacket and his arms were freezing by the time we wrapped things up. We went up and down our street and then hit the street behind ours. That was when Sophie was satisfied and we went home.

We warmed up watching Springsteen and an old McDonald's birthday video that Sophie wanted to watch because it was my birthday. She's pretty funny. She was so excited about my birthday that she couldn't wait until the next day to give me my presents.

I think the nicest thing she wanted to get me was flowers. They were waiting on the kitchen table when I got home. I don't know why she was so excited about getting me flowers, but because she came up with the gift on her own, it made it more special to me.

Jake spent the rest of the night walking around with a sucker in his hand.

Aloha.

Short day at work. It's Halloween!! Sophie is SOOO excited that it just runs over and everyone gets excited, too.

Did not run today. Not sure about tomorrow. I feel like I'd like to take a couple extra days off just to let my body overcome some of the burnout I've been feeling. And then I can start again fresh on Monday.

Sophie's going as "Jasmine" from Aladdin tonight, and she looks soooo cute. I wish I could post pictures.

That's all for today.

Aloha.

The fires are dying down up by our house. This is a huge relief. Hopefully by the weekend the firefighters will have extinguished all remaining flare-ups in the Santa Clarita area. As for the San Bernardino Mountains and San Diego, that's another story altogether.

As far as I can tell, Tony and Cindy’s house hasn't been lost yet. All news I've been following makes no mention of the area near their home that I am familiar with. I can only hope and pray.

Tony and his daughter, Brianna, stopped by Klasky this morning and I gave them a tour of the animation studio. I think it was more a distraction than anything else. I'm sure their whole family is getting stir crazy staying at their cousin's house for so long. I know I would.

With the air quality as terrible as it is, our 18-mile run has been cancelled for this weekend. That means that next weekend is supposed to be the 18-miler. Guess I'll have to figure a way to do it on my own in Bowling Green. I ran on the treadmill at work this afternoon. 4 miles was so easy on the treadmill. It's funny, I can gauge how far I've come by how I feel coming off that machine. When I began my training back in April, I would hit the treadmill (I wasn't gonzo about the frigid weather back then) and I could barely do 2 miles without getting tired. Now I can run off 4 miles at a pace twice that of what I was doing back in April and it feels harmless.

If I was feeling kind of down about my progress, this was a minor pick me up.

I'm not sure what I'll do this weekend. Perhaps the air will clear up enough for me to run out by our house. I doubt I can do 10 miles, but at least I can get an hour and a half of running time in. We'll see. I'm looking forward to going to see a movie with Julie and the kids. I'm bummed (and a little miffed) that this new Disney animated film "Brother Bear" has scenes of death and violence in it. Sophie has been looking forward to seeing it since they began advertising back in, what, January (sure seems that long). When I found out it was unsuitable for her (I mean, come on, parents are killed in it... what's with Disney and killing off the folks. It's almost becoming a cliché: In westerns, you have the hooker with a heart of gold; in Disney family films, you have a young character whose parents have been killed. Good clean family fun.

Anyway, we're going to see something called "Good Boy" which has talking dogs in it. The main talking dog has the voice of Matthew Broderick. Hey, Ferris Bueller as a pooch can't be all that bad. Can't be any worse than the horrific "Ferris Bueller" TV series from years ago.

Alas, I'm beginning to ramble. So I shall bid you good day.

Aloha.

It's Wednesday. I've caught up.

Came into work and everything seemed fine by our house. A couple hours into the day, though, and all hell broke loose. Part of Interstate 5 (which I must take to get home) was close off by our house and there were major flare-ups around Six Flags Magic Mountain, a popular amusement park by our house.

Julie is freaking out just a little. And with good reason. I'm going to leave work early to fight traffic and try and get there to be with my family.

I feel terrible for my friend Tony. Today was the first day he said he felt like he had no confidence that their home would be spared. The fires in Lake Arrowhead are literally a hell on earth and there is no way they'll be able to stop those fires because there are just TOO many dead or dying trees up there. On top of that, the smoke has become too thick for planes to fly overhead and drop water/retardant. This is a tragedy.

I've sent out word to Robert (my running coach) to get his opinion about training. The mail has even been held up because it's unsafe for anyone to be outside walking around.

Needless to say, Vill and I had to cancel the final audio layback of "King's Highway". There is an optimistic part of me that says that all of this will pass and that soon everything will be restored as it was before. But then I look up at where Tony and Cindy live and I feel betrayed by those feelings. My stomach is turning as I write this.

I'm also a bit concerned about this trip back to Ohio. What if I can't go? And what version of the film will I be screening? These are meaningless in the grand scope of everything that is going on. I know.

Here is just a tidbit about what has happened today. This is from the LA TIMES website...

*************

By Zeke Minaya, Mary MacVean and Marisa Lagos, Times Staff Writers

A firefighter was killed and two others were critically injured today while battling flames in the Cedar fire near the mountain community of Julian, northeast of the city of San Diego.

Meanwhile, in San Bernardino County, blazes were overtaking the Lake Arrowhead area and charging through miles of mountainous terrain around it. The fire was also approaching the city of Hesperia in the High Desert.

There were no official tallies, but as many as 300 homes in San Bernardino County were thought to have burned this afternoon alone, including in Cedarpines Park, Cedar Glen and Running Springs.

The San Diego death brings to 18 the number of people killed in the 10 wildfires that have ravaged about 900 square miles of Southern California in the past week. The Cedar fire, the most deadly, has claimed 12 lives so far. Assessment crews discovered one body this morning in the community of Alpine; the other 10 were discovered earlier in the week.

More than 2,000 structures have been consumed by flames in the four counties affected by the wildfires.

A San Diego Fire and Rescue spokeswoman said that she did not have details on today's casualty, but that the firefighters were not from a San Diego unit. Personnel from Julian, Del Gato, Sacramento, Montebello and Compton were also assisting in fighting the blaze.

About 3,330 firefighters have worked around the clock to keep the Cedar fire - which has devastated more than 233,000 acres of San Diego County - away from the historic downtown area of Julian, once a gold-mining town.

Authorities appeared optimistic this afternoon that they could save the small center of the town, but as many as 300 homes have been destroyed by flames in the surrounding area since the fire began its run in that direction two days ago.

But at 3 p.m., the winds were shifting and the fire was racing toward Julian and westward, in the direction of Ramona and Country View Estates.

In San Bernardino, blazes that entered Lake Arrowhead this morning were "engulfing the Lake Arrowhead area" by 3 p.m., said Carol Beckely of the US Forest Service.

With the situation so dire, there is not an accurate tally of destroyed structures, but she said close to 300 homes have burned this afternoon in the mountainous area.

Homes were also ablaze this afternoon in Cedarpines Park, west of Lake Arrowhead, and were approaching Hesperia to the north. There were no official estimates, but fire authorities said the damage in Cedarpines Park was comparable to that in Lake Arrowhead.

At 2:30, a fire had settled into the northeast corner of Lake Arrowhead. U.S. Forest Service spokesman Dennis Cross stood at the Mountains Community Hospital parking lot, warily surveying the plumes of dark smoke rising above the area.

"What's also troubling right now are these erratic winds," he said. "Some of them are blowing to the south. That's not good."

Cross was referring to the fact that there are more homes south of the fire. The fire was situated on the edge of a heavily populated area.

Several fires were also burning on the east side of the lake, about a mile from the shoreline.

Strike teams and sky-crane helicopters were attacking the flames.

The crews were drawing water from a Lake Arrowhead reservoir in order to fight the wind-driven flames, said U.S. Forest Service Spokesman Dennis Cross.

Evacuations have been ordered in more than 25 residential areas, including southern Hesperia, the Oak Hills-Summit Valley cluster, Telephone Canyon and Las Flores.

Overall, more than 900 buildings have succumbed to flames from the San Bernardino County blazes.

The fire is also rampaging in Cedar Pine Park, she said. "There is extensive damage there as well," Beckely said.

About 10 miles to the east of the lake, another flank of the Old fire was pinned down in the Santa Ana Canyon, held back from mountain resort towns in the Big Bear area.

Lake Arrowhead is nestled in a forest of pine, cedar and dogwood at an altitude of 5,100 feet, draws people year-round for camping, swimming and skiing.

Also today:

— Shortly before noon, authorities asked residents of Sunset Point, a neighborhood just south of Stevenson Ranch in northwestern Los Angeles County, to either leave or to stay inside - for safety and to keep out of firefighters' way. Fire closed in on homes along Interstate 5, which was closed in that area and where the thousands of homes in the Stevenson Ranch were built.

About six miles of Interstate 5 in Santa Clarita, a major north-south route, were closed for a few hours, but reopened this afternoon.

— Although the weather in Southern California continued to cool today, an increase in onshore winds prompted the National Weather Service to issue a "critical fire threat" in the foothill and mountain areas of the region early this afternoon.

Those winds, blowing from the west, were forecast to exceed 30 mph in the mountains on Thursday, which could render firefighting aircrafts ineffective.

— Gov.-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger was in Washington, D.C., a trip planned as a victory lap but transformed into a plea for aid in the fires.

Across the region, schools and businesses remained closed in many communities, as health authorities warned of the dangers of the poor-quality air. Thousands of people stayed in temporary shelters.

In San Diego, as 11 damage assessment teams fanned out throughout the county to record the destruction, officials said the number of homes destroyed by the Cedar and Paradise fires - about five miles apart this morning - is expected to exceed 1,200. Some areas were still considered too unsafe for damage assessment, officials said. A third fire, the Otay fire, was fully contained by this afternoon.

At least 30,000 customers were without utility service today in San Diego County, with some transmission lines expected to be fixed later in the day. Public safety officials also warned drivers that many traffic lights were out, and roads and guardrails were damaged all over the county.

More than 4,000 firefighters fought the blazes that stretched the length of the county, from Valley Center to the Mexican border. More than 300,000 acres have been blackened in San Diego County.

County Medical Examiner Glenn Wagner said he expected the county death toll to rise above the current 13 as investigators searched isolated pockets of destruction.

Ventura/Los Angeles

And the Los Angeles County Fire Department has 55 engines and hundreds of firefighters trying to halt the Simi fire, along with several aircraft that dump water.

The wind picked up today, gusting up to about 15 mph, giving momentum to a curtain of flames. Embers blew ahead of the fire and toward the larger development of Santa Clarita, which is northeast of Stevenson Ranch and about 35 miles from downtown Los Angeles. The best known landmark in the area is Six Flags Magic Mountain theme park.

Still, officials said they believe they can hold off the blaze. "We don't anticipate any homes going up in flames," said Edward Osorio, a county fire inspector.

Besides threatening homes, the fire at Stevenson Ranch endangered the Old Glory oak tree, where an activist spent 71 days nearly a year ago in an effort to save the tree from a road-widening project.

Times staff writers Faye Fiore, Louis Sahagun, Jesus Sanchez and Daryl Strickland contributed to this report.


*********

I know that’s a lot for one entry, but I wanted to make sure this moment was recorded, somehow.

Let's pray for a better day tomorrow.

Aloha

This is for Tuesday.

I ran in the morning and it felt pretty good. You could see the air getting darker. Had a lot of things on my mind and it was hard to concentrate on the run. Decided on a new story (or an old one) to pursue) and that gave me some new confidence. And hope. This is an idea I've been meaning to write for a long time and just deciding to go forward with it has given me renewed excitement in writing. Of course, it isn't commercial and wouldn't be an “easy" sell, buy it's something that I feel like I WANT to write, and that is more important at this juncture.

Got to work and spent the day worrying about the fires up by our house. Those worries proved to be justified when Karyn and the boys came over to our house to spend the night. Parts of Stevenson Ranch were voluntarily evacuated. I came home early, a little worried and stressed. You can see ash floating around in the air, covering cars and just about everything else.

My sister Beth and my mom both called and offered to buy plane tickets if we felt like we needed to get Jake out of the area. I think that really started to drive it home that even though our home may not be in danger, there are the other side effects that are equally as dangerous.

Beth's son, Zyg, saw the fires on TV and was concerned about how Jake was going to be able to breathe. What a kid.

Not sure if I'll be running any time soon this week.

Monday.

Did not run but got up and did some Yoga while Jules went to her gym to work out at 6:15. The kids, of course, woke up too. I think they're a little off because of Daylight Savings time (which was on Sunday).

Anyway, while Sophie and Jacob watched the Wiggles, I did a little Yoga. Not as much as I'd like, but it turned out to be enough to ease my soreness from Saturday.

Went to work with a little confidence. The network has picked up 10 new episodes of our one show. There should be a little job security, right?

As the day went on, it became evident that the fires are not going out any time soon. I spoke with Tony, briefly, on my way to work and he said he is going back and forth between being bummed and having an attitude of there's nothing you can do... it's in Mother Nature's hands.

I'll tell you, I don’t know what to say to him. I can't imagine being faced with the possibility of losing your home. They have a beautiful place that they've lived in for almost ten years. It's one thing to move, it's another thing altogether for someone to rip it away from you. And I say "someone" because the fire that has ravaged San Bernardino is the cause of Arson.

Two men are being sought for destroying the homes and lives of so many people. This fills me with so much anger. Where's the thrill of being so destructive? How can you be so heartless?

I know Tony and Cindy Gardner are strong, but I wonder how long they'll last before the stress and the anguish and worry will topple them.

Meanwhile, those fires in Simi Valley were getting closer to Stevenson Ranch, where Budd and Karyn live. Still, we all had some confidence that it would never reach their community....

Just viewed when my last posting occurred. Yikes, it's been a week.

Anyway, as I said, the fires in San Bernardino had begun burning uncontrollably. On Sunday, after Church (Julie's first day singing in the choir), we went to a Halloween party at Budd and Karyn's. Every year Karyn throws a party for the neighborhood kids on her street, plus our kids and Vill and Heather's kids. My legs were a little sore from the 10-mile run, but all together, I felt pretty good.

The party was great, but a black cloud literally hung over our heads all day. A fire in Simi Valley could be seen in the hills. You could see the glow from the flames and it made the presence of danger felt, at least, I felt it.

What if those flames come our way? What will the air quality be like? What should we do with Jake? Things like this may never occur to parents with regular kids, but when your child has a lung condition...

The Gardners were spending the night at Karyn's sister's house (Ginger Christensen). I was very nervous about what was going on in Lake Arrowhead. I had been up to visit them the week Julie was in Ohio and I saw the damage the bark beetle infestation has done to the trees up there. There are thousands of dead pines. Thousands of dead trees ripe to go up in flames.

I said some prayers for them that night. Not sure where the Gardners fall in the whole belief of God thing, but I know how I feel, so maybe he can help out.

Last thing we did Sunday night was write up invitations for Jacob's 2nd birthday party. It's only a couple of weeks away!!

It's been a crazy couple of days so I'll do my best to update everything in order....

On Saturday we ran 10 miles and it was a little tough for me. My legs were kind of stiff and I think that because I didn't begin with a 4/1 and jumped right into a 5/2, my legs have a little rough time getting set. Plus, I forgot my Advil, so when the achiness set in, I didn't, have anything to help ease the pain. Still, I finished with a better time than I did our last 10-mile recovery, so maybe we did something right after all.

The rest of the day was spent cleaning up the house for dinner with our neighbors and watching Bowling Green defeat Northern Illinois in an important Mid American Conference football game. The game was televised on ESPN from BG, so it was really neat to see the old football stadium on TV. Later, our neighbors, Steve and Missy Miller came over with their twin daughters, Sophie and Hannah for lasagna dinner and we had a real nice time.

It was really nice to have them over. We've been in the house for two years and we've never had any of our neighbors over for anything. The twins are a year older than Sophie, but the three of them get along great. The family (which includes an older sister, Chelsea, who was away at Brownie camp) lives three doors down and whenever we are leaving the house, Sophie is always looking to see if the girls are out so that she can wave to them. We were surprised to learn that the twins do the same thing.

I think back to my childhood and how our street didn't have anyone my age. But Steve and Matt were close by, so we were over each other’s houses every day. I hope that Sophie gets to have friends like that, especially in the nice little neighborhood we live in.

After the kids went to bed, Steve and I watched the film, "28 Days Later" at his house. It's a creepy film, and it puts you on edge. I liked it.

Budd and Karyn went to a party at her sister's house. We learned that the Gardners, close friends of ours (actually more like family) had to evacuate their home in Lake Arrowhead. The fires out in San Bernardino were getting out of control and the dead trees up on those mountains made it unsafe...

Ran again this morning. I switched my days so that Jules can go check out this workout facility tomorrow morning. The run was okay, but I kept psyching myself out worrying about getting home in time to see Sophie off to school. I believe that this has been one of the things tripping me up all of these weeks. I just didn't realize it until today. Still, I managed to run the Decoro hill and get home in 55 minutes. Next week I'll combine the Decoro hill with the last 3/4 of my usual morning 4 miles, just to give my legs a little more push before the 18 mile run.

What a great birthday that will be.

We are completing the final sound mix this evening and I am so excited that it'll all be over soon. Peter is amazing with the sound edit and has transformed some of these scenes back to how they originally were intended. We should have no problem having this new version done for the Bowling Green screening.

Seann is really kicking butt and may be able to get my ticket reimbursed. He has surprised us with his dedication. I am really looking forward to hanging out with him that Friday night and seeing all of the work he has done.

Got to get back to the editing room.

Aloha.

Ran this morning and it felt great for the first time in weeks. I mean, it felt like I remembered it feeling like all those months ago. I ran a 4/1 for the first half then switched to a 5/1 for the last part of my run. With Springsteen blaring in my ears (man, is it ever time to switch out the tunes on that MP3 player) I cruised home. Like I said, it felt great.

After I got home, well, that's a different story. Sophie had a dentist appointment and she WAS NOT happy about that. Poor Julie had to take Soph with Jake en tow. However, they all lived through it. I, on the other hand, had to suffer through some of the crappiest traffic in memory to get to work. I had randomly picked three albums for the ride this morning and made it 90% of the way through Bob Dylan Unplugged before Zimmerman's haggled voice drove me to the brink of smashing into the car in front of me.

Okay, it wasn't that bad, but close.

Work today was fine.

Sent off a nice big picture of Jake and some CF literature to Seann in Bowling Green. Sold another hat to a guy who just got a job at an animation studio in New York. He leaves this weekend to start on Monday. Man, I have no concept of what it would be like to just up and move on a moment's notice like that. Our lives are so settled here in Los Angeles that the notion is just beyond me.

Spoke with one of my other college roommates, Brad, this afternoon. I haven't talked to Brad since last year, Labor Day (Bob's wedding). He and his wife sound like they're doing very well. They're planning to come on out for the Bowling Green screening. It will be interesting to see who makes it. I'm getting kind of excited about the whole thing. I hope we get a nice turnout. There's a part of me that doesn't even want to know how many tickets get sold. Who knows, I may end up showing this thing for just family and friends. That would be cool, but in a way suck too.

Have to remain confident, though.

Feeling a little nervous about reaching my ultimate goal. I thought for sure that I'd receive more donations after the 2nd letter was sent out. I guess I should be patient.

Oh, and I received the coolest letter from my cousin Ed. Ed is notoriously quiet (but one of the coolest guys I know) and he wrote this really nice, compassionate letter when he sent a donation. I was blown away. It turns out that his college roommate his senior year was diagnosed with CF... that year. Crazy. The guy must have been, like, 21. I don't know the full details, but it just goes to show you how the disease is so varied.

On the other end of that spectrum, I was sent an email from my cousin Kenny, whose son, Brandon, died from CF. I don't remember Brandon that well, just that he was sick a lot. He passed away before they discovered the gene. Kenny was one of the first people to call us when we learned about Jacob's illness and he's been nothing but positive and so supportive since then. I know I don't take him up on his offer about calling and using his strong shoulders to lean on, but I know that he really means it when he says he's there for us. I can’t imagine what he must have gone through. I know that I live with the fear of losing Jacob, but I still have hope. You have to have hope.

Kenny wrote a quick but nice email and I was so glad he had checked out this journal. I don't know what will become of all of this writing when I'm finished, but at least for a short period of time I have gotten in contact with folks I haven't heard from in ages. That's been worth it.

Aloha

I did yoga this morning. I had previously written (about 5 minutes ago) an entire rant about the sadistic nature of yoga instructors, but I somehow lost the whole thing. Seems my karma was watching out for me. Whatever. Like I said I did yoga this morning and it has made my legs feel great. I look forward to it on Wednesday and figuring out new breathing techniques to help shift the focus of my pain during the marathon.

We walked Sophie to class today. She made a card for one of the boys in her class. She was so cute when she went to give it to him. She was nervous, but smiling. I don't think he quite understood that she might have a little crush on him. She always talks about this boy and wonders why he won't play with her. Soph hasn't quite grasped the whole separation of boys and girls at that age, yet. Why would she? She's grown up playing with Max and Zach and Jake. There weren’t any other girls around.

God, when she was going up to give him that card, I was so nervous I had to look away. All I could think about was when she's 10 or 11 years older and how she'll handle her first heartbreak. Rather, she's going to break hearts. She is so beautiful.

And then there's Jake. That little guy is going to break other things, like bones and other people. He is unstoppable. He finally got a new tooth. Thank God. It's been a LONG time (I hate to say a year.... but it could be that long).

I run tomorrow and maybe I'll throw in some weights tomorrow. The BG screening seems to be coming along and we will be selling hats there too. I am $450 from my ultimate goal. When I reach it I think I will finally be happy.

Aloha.

Just tasted the most digusting candy ever...

From the makers of my favorites, "Hot Tamales", comes Mike and Ike's Buttered Popcorn flavored chewy candies.

Don't know what I was thinking. I may be ill...

Sorry I didn't write over the weekend. Our computer is now in the shop so I'm writing from work.

Saturday was the 16-mile day. I was pretty jacked up to go and run this one. The intimidation I felt before the 14 mile run wasn't there at all. In fact, I was ready to go out the gate and felt like I was running a really strong run up until, like, mile 10. At that point, my legs started to feel fatigued, but I managed to finish. For this run, I teamed up with, essentially, four other people: Sebastian, Irene and Tony, who are all running for City of Hope. I had run with Tony about five weeks ago. He's a great guy who is training to climb Mt. Everest.

Sebastian runs a 5/2 pace so I decided it was better to run with a group for 16 miles at their pace than to run 16 by myself (that would no have gone well). In the end, I believe we completed the 16 miles in a time that was close to my time for the 14-mile run. I have to check into that, though.

I think that breakthrough I had last week about the 3/1 was true, too. We began the run on a 4/1 pace. I felt great until I twisted my ankle (I may have sprained it, it's still pretty sore). After that we switched to the 5/2. I liked the 5/2 up until the end, and then those 2 minutes actually seemed to go on a little too long. We got a bit too comfortable in the walking phase. Sebastian set a good pace, though, and I may consider running with him again.

I learned that he is a geneticist at City of Hop, so he knew quite a bit about CF screening. We had a good conversation for a while, until we got too tired and had to concentrate on actually finishing the run. I will say this; man is not designed to run 16 miles, let alone 26.6! Those people who can complete a marathon without stopping are freaks of nature and my hat's off to them. (I'm only being half sarcastic).

Needless to say, I was completely exhausted all day Saturday and was very sore yesterday.

Aloha

While running yesterday, I had a breakthrough. I feel like this wall I've been challenging started to build when I went down to the 3/1. Before then, I was up to a 5/1 and felt great about my running. Since then, I can feel myself looking at the watch, hoping that my time is almost up and I can walk again. I hope this is the breakthrough I've been looking for. I believe that this fact and reducing my runs to 2 a week are going to help a lot.

There are still so many mental hurdles to overcome. But at the end of my run yesterday morning, I felt strong and confident, something I haven't felt in weeks. In fact, when I got up this morning to ride my bike, I wasn't thinking, "Oh God, I wish I could go back to bed." Instead, I was looking forward to it.

I'm a little anxious about tomorrow and the 16-mile run. After what I went through on the 14-mile trek, I hope I am better prepared. Advil and almonds will be on hand, as well as an ample supply of water.

Mom and Dad are in town for a couple of days. It's great seeing them. Sophie gets so much more out of these visits than she used to. That makes me very happy. I never felt like I had a real close relationship with either sets of grandparents. I believe age was a real factor. But mom and dad are so good with the kids.

GREAT NEWS: The hats are done and I've begun selling them. I've already sold 4 (and have 1 on hold for someone else). They are $12, which I think is fair (considering we have to cover the cost of the hat). Dave did a great job and I'm pretty stoked on how nice they look.

Anyone reading this who wants a hat should email me and I'll set you up with one.

Okay, I have to get going home so I can have dinner with everyone. Still unsure what my future holds at Klasky Csupo. Doesn’t feel good.

Aloha.

So I'm still in shock over last night's Cubs game. Having grown up watching Cleveland teams choke in the last minute, I feel for the people of Chicago.

I have switched my running schedule. The morning runs have grown longer and I don't have enough time to run 6 miles and get into work on time. Plus, I really want to help Jules out with the kids on the mornings Sophie has school. They have to leave by 7:45 and if I don't get back from a run until 7:30, well, it places all of the responsibility on Julie and that's just not fair.

I checked in with Robert and he said that 2 days, at 40-50 minutes each will be fine and, of course, the long runs on Saturdays. This is a great relief. I have hit another wall. I hit a similar wall back in late June. I get to a point in which I don't even want to be running and I feel like it's just a labor and no longer a labor of love. I hate having that feeling. The mental aspect is bogging me down, even though I can run 5 miles in my sleep.

So, yesterday was the first day of this new schedule and I'm actually excited about it. 40-50 minutes means I can run my 4-mile route that I have come to enjoy. And with all of the things I’ve learned in the past couple of weeks about the long runs, I am not concerned about running 16 miles this week.

But yesterday's run was hard. Again, it was the mental crap that was weighing me down. I'll be honest, Jules and I had a bit of a row on Sunday night and I've been thinking a lot about what we got in the fight about. I'm not going to go into details out of respect to our privacy, but some of the things she said have really made me stop and look at who I am and how I've been acting. That's one of the reasons I wanted to switch my run schedule.

Even after 10 years, no marriage is perfect. There are always going to be aspects of the relationship that need to be tended. Love is a garden, and it needs proper care or it will dry up and become hard... infertile. As many of you know, it can be difficult. Throw CF into the mix and things get extra complicated. All I know is that I was acting like my parents did when I was a child and I never want to see myself like that again... ever.

Aloha

I have really fallen behind.

I spent the rest of last week recovering from that cold. I didn't run again until Saturday morning. We worked on the movie again last Thursday and it's almost done (again). Hopefully we can meet tonight and finish up.

The run on Saturday was fine. I didn't go all out and could really feel that I hadn't run all week. I ran with a woman, Lucy, whom I never ran with before. When I got to the training site that morning I was hoping to run alone. I'm glad I didn't. Even with a running companion it took over 2 hours.

The rest of the weekend was spent straightening up the house in preparation for Julie and the kids returning home. On Saturday night, I drove up to Lake Arrowhead and spent the night with the Gardners. Tony and I drove around the town and he showed me the devastation from the bark beetles and how all of the pines are quickly dying and being cut down. It gave me some great material for a new story idea.

We watched two low budget horror movies as well. One was so bad; I can't describe in words how appalled I was that this movie found video distribution. Seriously.... It was the worst thing I have ever seen. The second movie was soooo much better, and very original. It was called "Campfire Stories." The stinker was called "13th Child, the Jersey Devil".

Everyone got home safely on Sunday. I'm so glad they're home.

Good Lord, I am whipped.

Monday night's sound mix went until 3:00 am and I didn't get to be until 3:30. I was dog tired yesterday and with my immune system weakened, a cold saw its opportunity and pounced. Ugh.

I did manage to get up at 6:30 and run the Decoro hill this morning. It wasn't physically hard, but it was difficult fighting back all of the cold related crap in my head. But, I am glad I ran. I was this close to sleeping for another hour. Probably should have.

Jules and the kids sound like they're having a great time back in Ohio. Sophie appears to have come out of her shell and is going up to Grandma and Grandpa and just playing with them. Her "shyness" seems to be fading. Maybe it's because she's so popular in her preschool class. I don't mean to say that like I'm Joe Bragging Guy (you can tell I'm sick when all I can come up with is that LAME name), but she's always getting requests from other moms to have play dates. I can't tell you how happy I am that she's making friends so easily. That has always been one of my big fears, that she'd end up lonely in class. Had a little of that when I was a kid. It hurts being excluded.

Jacob, on the other hand, isn't going to have any problems finding friends. The kid is the first one out of Julie's arms when she gets someplace and he's just so friendly. When we were at the airport on Monday, he was proudly pointing to his Sesame Street shirt and identifying the characters for strangers. "Coco... Elmo...Ehrnie..."

God I miss them.

The Movie sound mix is coming along wonderfully. We got a good chunk of our work done Monday night and we're meeting again tomorrow. Hopefully we'll finish up then, transfer everything to the hard drive next week and have everything done in time for the Bowling Green screening.

Keep you fingers crossed.

Aloha

CD's from last week:

Springsteen, 8/17/03 Dodger Stadium- Dude, I was right about this one, even though the bootleg is poor quality (sounds like they're under water sometimes---where does that guy come up with his rating system?) the show was awesome. The band was T-I-G-H-T and Max had a killer night. Can't wait to see Budd's face when I give him his copy.

Kinks "Ultimate Collection" - Don't you just love "Dedicated Follower of Fashion"

Shawn Colvin "A Few Small Repairs" - Forgot how moody and sad this album. Colvin wrote most of these tracks when she separated from her then husband. I once heard her say in an interview that she wanted to write songs like Springsteen's "Tunnel of Love" (another breakup masterpiece). I guess she got her chance.

Eva Cassidy "Songbird" - The only version of "Over the Rainbow" and "Fragile" I will ever listen to again.

Men at Work - "Essential Collection" - I am cursed. I woke up before the 14 mile run with "Be Good Johnny" in my head. "JOHNNYEEEEE-YE-YE-YEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Monday. I didn't run this morning because I drove Jules and the kids to the airport. They�re en route to Cleveland for a week and I already miss them. I didn't realize how much I was going to be aching until I heard "When You need Me" by Springsteen in the car on the way to LAX. My eyes are a little misty right now.

You know, before I started this whole journey to complete the marathon, I would have been a little excited to have a week to myself and just go see movies and act like a bachelor, knowing that they were coming home. But going through everything and making the effort to write about it has changed me. I miss them terribly.

During the last trip they took I finally figured out how to get to sleep at night. I just crowd all of the pillows in the bed against my back and sleep on the edge of the bed. Amazingly, I sleep like a baby (just like I do when I have Soph's knees in my back every night).

It's going to be a quiet week.

After doing a little cross training on Friday, I woke up and went off to run 14 miles on Saturday. It was a struggle, to say the least. Besides the physical challenges, there was a mental challenge as we were running our course in reverse. So, as we came up to the "turn around" point, I felt like we should have been completing our run.

My legs hurt badly by the end. I'm definitely going to be carrying some Advil on the runs from now on. That may be the key to getting through this monster because I know my feet were swelling up, and my legs were just so sore. Surprisingly, I wasn't as "tired" as I have been at the end of past runs. I mean, I could have gone the whole day without a nap. Alas, Julie forced me to lie down and sleep. Damn that woman!

Robert let us all know that 14 is the killer training number. He said that 16 and 18 will be easier. I don�t quite know how that's possible. Yet, each week I learn something new about the training and what it TAKES to finish the marathon. When I began the training I thought, "I'm just going to run the whole thing" (Remember that? Bwa ha ha ha! What was I thinking?) And I didn't have much faith in the whole "carry water and snacks with you" philosophies. Well, now I know. All of these little things are going to help me survive.

Trying to figure out whether I'll run tomorrow or just pick up on Wednesday. I'm supposed to work on the sound mix again tonight, so it might be a late one. Plus, my legs hurt this morning. When I told Jules, "My leg kind of hurts, don't know what I did." She replied matter of factly, "Uh, maybe you ran fourteen miles."

There's this wonderful Jayhawks song playing right now, from that same album I keep returning to. "Loving you for all the right reason..."

Can't wait until Jules and the kids get back.

Aloha

Ran again this morning, but didn't complete the 4 miles I was trying to run. These new insoles were bugging the heck out of my feet. So, I bought new ones... again. I wore my running shoes to work to try and break in the insoles. They feel a lot better (should have went with Dr. Scholl's in the first places).

I was pleasantly surprised to find an email from another of my college buddies, Brad, this morning. I haven't spoken with him since Bob's wedding last year. He said he's going to come to the Bowling Green Screening in November.

Have I told you? That’s on. I have my plane ticket and Seann has everything in place. I sent out word to some of my Ohio relatives and friends and I predict that there will be more advertising in the next couple of weeks. I need to work all of that out. I'm pretty excited about the trip. Hopefully we can sell out the theater and raise over $1000 for CF. That would be fantastic.

I'm on my way out the door. More tomorrow.

Aloha.

The results of Tuesday's late night had a direct effect on me Wednesday. I woke up at 5:00 on the dot, but forced myself to go back to sleep (oh, that was real tough, honest). Got up at 6:00 and went running by 6:30. I did 4 solid miles (instead of the scheduled 6) and it felt good.

The rest of the day I was spent, though. Couldn't much get my brain to work, although that could have been caused by the fuel line leak in my car.

Talked with Tony a little more and I'm going to spend the night up at their place in Lake Arrowhead next week. I'm sure we’ll discuss the job opportunity a little more.

Got home and Jake was sounding barky like he has the croup again. Perfect, just in time for their trip back to Cleveland.

Haven't done any reading or writing in awhile. Have to get back into the swing. Kind of occupied with KH, though.

Sorry I haven't written all week. It's been a little hectic (mostly mentally). Monday was a strong run. Felt great. Tuesday I didn't run (day off).

Tuesday night I was in a sound mix for "King's Highway" until midnight-ish. I didn't get home until 1:00 am.

The remixing is coming along great and I'm very excited about the improvements. This man I'm working with, Peter Carlstadt, is so awesome that I'm so thankful when we get together because he's doing this all out of the kindness of his heart.

Tuesday was also a mentally crazy afternoon. The layoffs continue here at the animation factory and I really feel that my days are numbered; despite the assurances I have received. With that thought weighing heavily on everything, I've started sending out my resume. I also had an enthusiastic conversation with my friend, Tony Gardner, whom I worked for before coming to Klasky Csupo. He has a big job on the horizon and the timing seemed serendipitous. I was pretty thrilled and called Jules about the prospect of working with Tony again. She thought it had possibilities, but her major concern was the lack of benefits.

I hadn't really thought that one through. Maybe we could get private insurance. Well, no insurance company is going to take Jacob. The kid has a life threatening illness. And the costs for him would be out of this world.

Damn! My first reaction was that this couldn't happen at a worse time for me. Here’s an opportunity to move on and possibly get the filmmaking into high gear. I was pissed. I was so mad about Cystic Fibrosis. And I was defensive when Jules asked me about any other resumes I may have sent out.

Basically, I was being selfish.

It's not about me, you know? It's about Jacob and Sophie and making sure they're taken care of. While it would be grand to go from job to job like I used to and maybe become with that film community again, can I take that risk? Can I mess with our lives like that? The answer is no. I have to make sure they're taken care of right now. While Jules is at home with them, I can't be off switching jobs all of the time.

Yet, if I lose my job here, what happens then? There are scarce jobs out there, especially ones that will pay me what we've budgeted for our lives.

There's an elephant sitting on my chest while I try to figure this one out. Oh, it's not as bad as earlier this year when I was having chest pains (that's another story for another time), but I'm feeling tired from it all.

Jules is looking into California Children's Services as an option for Jacob. We didn't qualify last year because we made too much money. Let me tell ya, that ain't the case anymore. We'll see where that can lead us.

(Our home computer is acting kind of funky... and not the Isaac Hayes "Shut your mouth/Just talkin' 'bout Shaft" kind of funky... so I wrote this one out long hand for Saturday. SM)

Saturday 9/27/03

Easy 10 this morning.

It wasn't easy last night. My stomach was turning because I was so anxious about the run. Were my legs going to hurt? Would I be able to make it without my feet flaring up? That nervousness carried over to this morning.

Got up, got out of bed, ran my hair across my head. Went to the kitchen and I made myself an egg, opened the newspaper and I went into a dream...

(Ahhhhhh, ahhh ahhh ahh, ah ah ahhhh ahhhhhh ah ah ahhhhh.... BUM BUMBUM BUM BUMP!)

Okay, enough Beatles. It was freezing this morning, like, Ohio embarrassing THO cold. It took awhile to warm up, about 2 miles or so. But the run was good-- no, great, especially the last three miles. After struggling to find my stride, low and behold it decided to make an appearance! And best of all, we did a negative split on the return five miles. I was (and still am) stoked.

Before we ran, Robert gave us a quote from a motivational speaker he'd seen last week. The speaker said, "If you're in hell, run through it."

It was, like, the perfect thing to hear as I've been fighting my self-doubts for a couple of weeks. That comment, and the things Denman wrote in his email, has really helped me get through this rough period. I'm reinvigorated. I'm actually looking forward to next week's 14-mile run.

This all brought back memories of that time during my sophomore year at Bowling Green when I hit a wall. I wasn't sure I was going down the right career path. My parents didn't quite get what was going on with me. I think they've lived their lives making decisions they were sure about and my questioning whether I should be a filmmaker made no sense to them (for the record, I was thinking about film journalism).

I went to see my adviser, a great teacher named Dr. Jack Nachbar, who headed the Film Studies program in the BG Pop Culture School (he's since retired). I explained my dilemma, and he kind of chuckled and smiled.

"So, you're experiencing the sophomore slump, huh? Well, everyone does. Tell you what, ride this thing out and come back to me at the end of the semester. If you still feel the same way, we'll figure something out."

And in that instant, because he had understood me and validated my fears and feelings, I knew I still wanted to write and direct movies, and I knew I was going down the right path. It was as if I just needed to hear that someone had been there, and that they'd gotten to the other side safely. It gave me a huge relief then, and I was back on track.

That's how it was this morning. I've been in hell, and this morning I got through it.

Aloha

It's back...

In the CD Player this week:

Don Henley, "End of the Innocence" (at least, until I got to the 2nd side and I got sick of his slick, cynical singing. Jeez, Don, you make a lot of money, don't whine so much)

Linda Ronstadt & Emmylou Harris "Western Wall, the Tucson Sessions"
(featuring some awesome harmonies by these two pioneering women of country/rock music)

Billy Squier, "Don't Say No" (C'mon.... who doesn’t love the Bill-ster. "Lonely is the night...")

The Kinks, "The Ultimate Kinks Collection" (I don't know about the title of this one. It's sorely missing some of their later 70's and early 80's radio hits. But, it DOES have "Ape man", "Don't Forget To Dance", "Living On A Thin Line" and "Victoria" all included here. Pretty good collection, but really, isn't it about time someone puts out a Kinks box set?)

Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band, "Foxboro, 8/1/03" (Just got this bootleg and it sounds great. I ordered the LA show this week and I waiting on the edge of my seat. Don't tell Budd).

So, we took Jake to a gastro-intestinal doctor this past Wednesday and they're trying to determine how much he is absorbing and mal-absorbing. The doctor told us to basically give him anything he'll eat... French Fries...are they back to being called French Fries?...Pizza... milk shakes. This basically contradicts what our old Nutritionist from Children's Hospital told us. However, I've learned that almost all of these doctors contradict the other doctors. It's like no one is really sure what the right answer is. It's frustrating, to say the least.

But, the nature of the disease is that it's different t for everyone who has it. Some cases are so mild, people aren't even aware they have CF.

True Story: We met a couple who have triplets, 2 of which were diagnosed with CF. This couple had had difficulty conceiving, but felt blessed to have their children. Obviously, both parents carried the CF gene, but what the father did not know (nor was he ever diagnosed with) was that HE HAS CF. The guy is well into his 30's. He looked as healthy as an ox (and kind of chubby too) and he had never had any serious health issues.

Whenever I think about this man, I have my hope for Jake restored.

But you see what I mean, don't you? Nobody has this thing completely figured out. ARGH!!

This GI doctor wanted us to collect samples of Jacob's poop and deliver them to their office tomorrow. So for the past few days, we have literally had containers of shit in our refrigerator. Kinda of humorous. Never a dull day in the Malchus household.

Got up this morning and rode my bike for about a half hour. God I love that bike. I originally bought it as a mode of transporting Sophie to daycare when we were living in North Hollywood. Julies' old VW Fox died in the middle of an intersection on the way to daycare. THAT was one of the worst days ever. Anyway, Soph and I would get up and ride, like, 2 miles to her daycare every morning (she loved riding in the seat on the back of my bike) and then I'd catch the train to work. God, it sucked being that poor. But, we made it through those difficult times.

I think Soph and I really bonded back then. We'd sing all the way to daycare. Strange that that was three years ago. Jake is about the age she was when we were the mad bike riders for about six months. That seems like ancient history.

Anyway, I rode my bike, then walked for about a half hour. Didn't take the MP3 player today, though. I wanted to have my thoughts with me this morning. All I could think about was, "Man, I really have developed some endurance since the last time I rode my bike." Some of the hills I take used to knock me out. Reminded me of those years I was on the North Olmsted Paint crew during my college summer breaks. Steve and I would begin the summer barely capable of making it a quarter mile without heaving and huffing. By the end of the summer, we were gliding to work on our bikes. (Actually, I should only speak for myself. Steve was always in better shape than me).

I also went to see the chiropractor this morning. My back feels better and I have positive feelings about tomorrow morning. I mean, it's only ten miles, right? I can do that in my sleep.


Aloha.

So I just gave the doctor a call and I see him tomorrow morning. Let's see if this can help.

You know, one of the things I think a bout a lot is how this blog has really gotten me reacquainted with some old friends. Take Jeff, for instance. I haven't seen the guy since, wow, probably since 1988. Yet, we've reconnected because he started reading the blog and he wanted to offer support for my training and fundraising.

I think that's the thing that keeps me going. I know there are many people out there who have my back on this one. And that is something I use when I'm running. I need anything I can get.

This morning was the first time I thought, "I can't wait until this marathon thing is over."

As the days are getting shorter, it feels like I'm spending less time with the kids, especially in the mornings, as my runs are getting longer. And now that I have to hang out at work later... well, it sucks.

I come home and I'm beat from the horrendous drive out of Hollywood, and I want to eat, and the kids are ready for story time, and Jake has to get a treatment, and then it's off to bed.

I miss them.

Strange thing to say. But I feel like Sophie is growing and I'm missing some of it. I hate that. Hate it.

Aloha

50 minute run this morning. I took my "standard" course, which takes me through my neighborhood, down Bouquet to Newhall, then up McBean to the bike trail that runs parallel to Creekside, the road with every single car dealership you can think of. Then I hit Valencia Blvd. Let me tell you, that's the worst stretch of the run. You're running against traffic, so you get all of this wind resistance, and on top of that, there are a lot of trucks and buses that pass by. Yummy, exhaust fumes. Finally, it's back down Bouquet and into the neighborhood for a walk home.

The mornings are starting to get harder. I'm really wracking my brains trying to figure out what I can do to make these early runs easier. I'm stretching after my runs. I'm trying to hydrate myself regularly. There just seems to be so much stuff going on in my head and the fun isn't there like it was a couple of months ago. My friend Jeff (Marsick) suggested I check out a chiropractor. Since he is a chiropractor himself, I think he may know what he's talking about. Unfortunately, I can't go see him because he lives on the east coast.

Still, I've been thinking about seeing good old Dr. Good (his real name) again, Dr. Good is this cool chiropractor I've seen in the past when my back has been bothering me (screwed it up on this LOOOOOOOW budget movie I worked on years ago called "Lifeform". Maybe you've heard of it, it plays on the Sci Fi Channel all of the time, and it stars Ryan Philippe.... I digress).

Anyhow, I like Dr. Good. He's a drummer. We always end up talking about really bad bands of the late 70's and 80's and their drummers... at least, I think the bands are bad. I think I'll give him a call....

This morning proved to be one of those mornings that was more rewarding after I completed the run. About halfway through it, though, I was ready to throw in the towel, again. I took the DeCoro hill in an attempt to do a full 60-minute run. Halfway up the hill, I swear I was going to keel over.

My body is really beginning to feel the change in season. I never really paid attention to it, but this year it's like I can't avoid the Fall's pull. I'm tired and my legs can feel the weather starting to shift.

It's those old football injuries. No seriously, stop laughing. I really did play football when I was a kid. Played right up to the first game of my freshman year of high school. I knew I was going to quit after that year. There were several factors involved: 1. I had stopped growing and suddenly I wasn't taller than everyone, I was shorter... and skinnier. I wasn't going to survive. 2. I was going to have to choose between football and marching band. Although my folks said they'd support me no matter what I chose to do (and I really appreciate them for that), I knew my heart was in music and not getting crushed by guys 150 lbs. heavier (and spending most of my Friday nights on the bench or on Special Teams). 3. I hated most of the guys on the football team anyway. I mean, they called all of my friends (who were in band) "band fags". 4. All of my friends were in band. 5. I was more popular in band (i.e. girls actually liked me). 6. I'd lost the "edge". Stop LAUGHING! See, I was fearless up until that freshman year. Call it a lack of self-confidence, but I used the aggressiveness of football to get out all of my frustrations. And boy, was this a great release. As soon as I began using my drumming as that release, I wasn't that interested in getting knocked around.

Alas, I didn't have to make that choice. I ripped my ACL on my right knee in the first game (1st half, even) and my playing days were done. So my right knee is kind of funky; my left knee, which took the brunt of the wear and tear while I was on crutches, is creaky; and my ankles, both of which I screwed up 9MAJORLY) in pick up games in college, hurt ever now and then.

I'M AN OLD MAN!!!!

How did I get on that rant when I was just talking about my run this morning? I guess my point was that it's getting colder in the mornings and the old body isn't getting warmed up as quickly.

Aye yi yi yi yi! I've lost my train of thought.


Aloha

Oh yeah.

I saw an interesting documentary last night called "Hell House". This church in Texas outs on a haunted house each year in which they depict every day "horrors" for thousands of paying customers. Among their scare tactics are abortion, homosexuality, drugs and suicide.

I hardly agree with what they're trying to preach because I wouldn't call it compassionate (especially their views on homosexuality). However, the film itself is very well done and compelling in that it zeroes in on one particular family and shows how Christianity pulled them through some rough times (a single/divorced father raising four kids, including two that are disabled... now that's a noble).

It's available through Netflix (which is an awesome website).

S

Sunday night.

I just wrote some 500 words and somehow deleted it. DAMN!

Let's try this again, shall we.

Yesterday I ran 12 miles. I was really hurting by the end of the run. My feet were killing me and my legs were really tired. If this is what it's like after just 12... I can't imagine the full marathon. I have some serious questions I need to answer in the next week. First thing I'm going to do is look into new insoles for my shoes. That's a start at least.

Don't know if it was switching from the 3/1 to the 4/1 halfway through, or it was my down mental state, but the end was hard. VERY HARD. This was the first time running that I actually questioned whether I was going to be able to complete this thing. And that doubt has had me pretty upset.

I have a lot going on in my head right now. I feel like there are like all these people wanting something right now. Someone wants this written, and someone wants this other thing put together, plus work, and the family and then the marathon. I'm exhausted before I even get out of bed.

Yet, I constantly feel like I'm not doing enough. I feel like if I say "no" to any one of the people coming at me I'll either miss an opportunity or let someone down.

That's all for now. Not excatly everything I wrote earlier. I guess I'll touch on that tomorrow.

Aloha.

Overslept this morning. Guess I was a little more exhausted than I thought yesterday. Went to bed early, too.

Tomorrow I'll do a light run and some cross training, maybe some yoga.

Kind of a sad day today. My co-workers last day. It'd be different if she were leaving for a new job. That'd be a happy occasion. But as it is, she was laid off. And with her leaving, it only makes me think that my job may be over soon, as well.

When I think about the 5 years I've been at this one PLACE, and that I've seen the same faces for all of that time. There are people who have known me since Sophie was an infant and who were there when Jacob was born.

And the women in this department I work in, well, they were the first people I turned to when I hung up the phone with Julie the day we found out about the CF. They’ll be forever etched in my mind and heart because of that. Kind of like knowing where you were on Sept. 11 or the day the jury came in for the OJ trial.

I look around my cubicle and see these photos of Sophie in the various stages of her life. It breaks my heart to think about not having her being able to come to work with me and sit in the cubicle behind me, pretending that it's HER office and computer and phone. It's at times like this in my life that I feel blessed. I'm blessed that I have a wife who loves me despite my many flaws. And I have two of the most wonderful children a parent could ask for. I'm blessed, despite the CF.

I've been driving around with Springsteen's "New York Serenade" stuck in my head all day, in particularly the last few bars on the piano and the strings that play so beautifully. Can't get it out of my head and it's driving me nuts. I even tried listening to Hall and Oates (Say, say, say, say.... Say it isn't so, so, so...)

That didn't work.

Everything seems up in the air right now. The only thing that grounds me is my family.

Tomorrow is another day. We'll see what it brings.

Aloha

Trying not to fall behind on the blog.

Woke up and ran an easy 40 on Monday, pushed myself a little harder than usual, but it felt good.

Took the day off yesterday, as scheduled. Did some ADR editing last night after work and didn't get home until 1:00am. Yesterday was a bit of a drag because I learned that KH was rejected from that Ohio Film Festival I felt so confident about.

I just don't get what they're looking for.

But, Ryan and Tony both have people interested in seeing it (i.e. distributors) so we have that going for us. Now, we just have to reload it into the computer. See, there was a minor technical glitch the other night and the final edit was erased from our hard drive. Vill was having a heart attack, but I stayed relatively calm as I realized we still had the DV master.

Today I still got up at 5:30 and ran for 50 minutes. I'll tell ya, it's getting pretty darn cold in the mornings! The run started off pretty rough (let's face it, I was tired). But I finished strong. It's a good sign when you want to KEEP running when your time is up. That's how I felt this morning. Felt like I could run a couple more miles.

Jake is fighting another cold or virus. He sounds pretty horse. Sophie woke up all stuffed up too. Funniest thing this morning, Julie comes out of the bedroom carrying Jake and he's wearing Sophie pink heart sunglasses. Seems that when Julie put on her glasses this morning, he HAD to have his on too. That kid's a nut.

Aloha.

The weekend:

Ran 6 miles on Saturday morning. I ran with two people from the City of Hope team. They ran at a little bit of a slower pace than me, but it was nice to meet new people. They did not know what CF is and how it affected its victims, so at least I was able to pass along some information. These two folks were running 8 miles, so I turned around at mile 3.

On the way back, I went for a negative spilt and pushed myself. I didn't make it back any faster, but it was still.... refreshing, I guess is the word, to work it without anyone else around and no headphones on.

The rest of the day Saturday was spent hanging out. We went to the Cruz' for Rebecca's birthday party, and Budd took me to this classic car show the city of Saugus was holding. I didn't think I'd really enjoy looking at old hot rods, but I really dug looking into late 60's, early 70's Chevys (Chevelle).

Budd said I could easily find the money to buy myself one of these cars. I said I'd get myself one of the muscle cars when they find a cure. He smiled and we walked on.

******

On Sunday I watched the Browns get humiliated by the dreaded freakin Ravens (aka the old Browns). I paid $100 for this? Ugh. Fixed the front door and we looked into buying the kids new mattresses. Jacob WILL NOT sleep in his crip anymore. He only goes to sleep in our bed. Greaaaaat.

Had a conference call with those guys about the horror movie and we worked out some ideas. I'm supposed to come up with a treatment in the next couple of days.

That's the weekend update.

Aloha.

S

Final Friday notes...

Steve gave me a call late (for me) Friday night. We had a wonderful heart to heart. We hung up around midnight, three in the morning his time! I miss him.

Someday, when the kids are older, I want to go get Mom and Dad's old Apache trailer and drive around the country, stopping off in many of the locations where we have family. We could stop in Colorado (though, Heidi and George may be living in Arizona by then) and make our way through the south (Florida, Alabama, Georgia and North Carolina). The end of the trip would take us into Ohio (of course).

Steve and his family are embarking on a vacation, but the incoming Hurricane/Tropical Storm may cause delay.

Hope you guys stay try.

Aloha.

Follow-up for Friday...

Got home from work and was greeted by a package from Brian McMahon, old college roommate. Brian and I met freshman year when we were both in the bass drum section together (there were only four of us). That friendship carried over into Kappa Kappa Psi, in which both of us didn't take anything too seriously, and then into our sophomore year when Brian came on board to live with Dan, Brad, Hurley and myself.

I have to say that throughout college, I was closer to Dan than I was to anyone else. But Brian is of Irish and Italian heritage, so once you're in good with him... well, let's just say he takes the word "brotherhood" to heart.

Brian and I have grown closer since graduation and our move out here. He came to visit once and that was great. The one thing that really touched me occurred last year at Bob's wedding. During the reception, he took me outside on to the streets of Cleveland and wanted to know how we (Jules and the family) were doing. And he asked heartfelt questions about how Jake was doing and how we were hanging in there. I have to say, this type of concern surprised me, not because it was Brian, but because no one had ever really taken me aside like that and posed the questions in that way. From that night on, I've really tried to keep contact with Brian.

That's the back-story. When I got home on Friday, Julie handed me this wonderful, touching letter from Brian. He had decided that he wanted to help and he collected over $1100 for the marathon. I was blown away. Far and beyond the call of duty, Mr. McMahon.

I am constantly being blown away by how much support and help I am receiving on this fundraiser. I am blessed on that end.

Aloha

Sorry I didn't write yesterday. I ran a good 4 1/2 miles in the morning and even felt up enough to lift some weights while Sophie was doing some artwork at the kitchen table. All before 7:00 am.

The rest of the day was typical up and down for me. Work was pretty mellow, but then I learned that KH wasns't accepted to another film festival. I shouldn't be depressed, but when people keep telling me they like it and we can?t get our foot in the door anywhere?. Sheesh.

I would have written an entry last night but I didn't get home until close to 1:00am. We did one last ADR session (I swear) and I had a meeting with Ryan and the director of the horror movie they want me to write.

Got home, fed the cats, went to bed.

This morning was one of those mornings in which I felt guilty leaving the house. Not because Jules was making me feel that way. Hardly. Instead, I just feel crappy when I come home late at night and then have to get up and rush to work the next morning. I know she's tired and stressed.

Jacob is in this phase in which he doesn't want to eat anything. So not only are we facing the challenges of trying to feed a typical 2 year old, but also we're worried he's not getting everything his body needs to stay healthy (thanks to the CF). I think I've mentioned this before.

I'll admit I never reread anything I write in here. It's kind of stream of consciousness. So, if I repeat myself on certain things, sorry.

Looking forward to the weekend. The Cruz family is having a birthday party for their daughter, Rebecca, so we have that to go to tomorrow. Our long run in the morning is only 6 miles. It's called a recovery run.

Wait a minute, did I just say "only" six miles. Listen to me, thinking I'm Steve Prefontaine or something.

Aloha.

Ran 55 minutes this morning and decided to take that Decoro hill again. They say that Decoro Hill is one bad mother fu---- shut your mouth. Just talkin’ ‘bout the Decoro hill. We can dig it.

Okay, enough with the Shaft references. The run was a good one. Started out with a 4/1 ratio and worked my way into a 5/1 by the end of the run. I really got a lot out of running with Robert last week. It was great picking his mind for the 2 hours we were on the road.

Got some bad news about Rebecca. Her foot injury is worse than we expected and she won’t be running with us for the next three weeks. She’s still determined to run the marathon, though. That takes guts. My friend Wes, who is running for AIDS LA, has also been getting over a leg injury. It’s pretty cool when we get on the phone and we don’t talk about work or animation. To actually have an interest in running that someone else has, and to be able to give information back and forth, I find that pretty cool.

Talked with Cousin Dave about the hats some more. We’re working on a new slogan for the back of the floppy hats. We both felt that a hat that said “Team CF” and “Jacob’s Team” would sound a little redundant. Right now, the frontrunner is “Jogging for Jake”. If anyone has any ideas, please feel free to email them to me before Friday.

(Of course, no one will email me, but, what the hey, I thought I’d give it a try.)

Today was actually a pretty good day. I would like to think that not every day, or week, will sound as depressing as I have been writing the past week or so. I guess we all have our ups and downs.

That horror script appears to be “on” again. And I’ve had some interest from a couple people to see “King’s Highway”. Little things like that can really change your day, you know. Just a little validation is all that I’m asking.

Okay, that’s it for tonight.

Aloha.

What ever good feelings we had going into the weekend were pretty much gone by last night as we both tried to get to sleep and deal with our ongoing concerns with living as parents of a child with CF. This nagging fear of what we’d do if I lose my job and how we’d manage care for Jacob (let alone Sophie) has created a pretty good size pit in my stomach. And Julie was just plain sick of waiting for the results of Jake’s culture and blood tests which we should receive this coming Friday.

We went to church twice yesterday. One was the regular service, the second, in the evening, was for “Rally” day, basically a social gathering they have each year to kind of get families back in the habit of going to church. Going to church is something I’ve been doing more out of habit and out of a search for answers. I have been done a spiritually challenged road ever since Jacob was born. I have questioned why God would inflict such a horrible disease on an innocent child. I have never been satisfied with the “God has plans” answer. It doesn’t cut it for me.

I do believe that, yes, we were chosen to raise a child with a terrible illness. I believe that we’re strong people and that we’re resilient. I believe that we’re full of love and will raise him to be the best he can possibly be. Blah, blah, blah. I’d like to believe that any parent would be that way. But, alas, I know that that isn’t true.

I have been content to travel this path on my own, trying to keep Jules off this road. But I now know that she, too, is having something of a spiritual crisis of her own. And I don’t know what to do for her. I could tell her to pray, but I would feel a little hypocritical. I don’t have any answer for her because I have yet to find the answer myself.

So you can see how getting up at five in the morning was pretty damn hard to do this morning. Running without the mental blocks was pretty hard. It was a pretty lame run and I barely ran, like, 2 miles. Usually I’d chalk this up as one of those “Monday” morning runs, when my body’s still trying to remember what it’s like to run again, but it wasn’t that. No, it was everything that’s weighing on us that was causing my legs to get tired and my lungs to resign.

I could be describing what it’s like being a parent raising a child with CF. There are many mornings when you wake up, thinking you’re ready for the challenges that face you. Like running, you know what you’re supposed to do. It’s a routine. You run down the street, around the corner, down the bike path and then on home…. And you get up, give some enzymes, hope that your kid decides to eat this morning, and then give him breathing treatments and try and be a good parent.

I guess, like any good jog, you’re going to stumble and possibly even fall on your face on occasion. It’s just so much more difficult to get on your feet when it’s the CF, as opposed to a skinned knee.

It’s very tiresome. You never get any rest from it. The disease is always there. And that is the most taxing thing about it all. Unlike, say, cancer, which can go into remission, CF is always there, lurking in the shadows. Waiting to pounce.

I want to positive. I want to have hope and be the optimist again. But that feeling that “everything’s going to work out” is so foreign to me now. I can barely remember what it’s like to feel that way.

Now it’s just “wait and see”.

10 miles this morning. We met down at the Marina and, with just a group of four; we took off on our course. It was great with the small group because Robert, our coach, ran the 10 with us. It was cool to hear what he had to say and to be able to keep his pace. We finished under 2 hours, which I think is pretty darn good. I didn't have enough for breakfast, though, and I was starving by the time we completed the run. Besides having a larger breakfast, I'm going to begin bringing something to graze on during the long run, raisins or nuts or a Power Bar.

Running on a different surface was a new challenge as well. On the Pasadena course, we're on a good mix of sand, dirt and asphalt. Down by the beach, it's all asphalt. My legs were pretty tired by the end. I also believe that skipping my cross train day yesterday affected my performance as well. This is something I have to keep in mind as we get closer to the marathon. Some sort of workout for my legs will be vital the day before.

I've gotten to learn my body pretty well in the past month and a half. I'm pretty impressed with that.

It was a strange experience being down by Venice Beach this morning. I can't remember the last time we've been there. It's such an unusual, crazy hangout for people of all different walks of life. I bet it was before Sophie was born that we went down there. I can't imagine going down there with the kids. I would be too paranoid about their protection to really enjoy myself. There are way too many unstable people in that place.

Jules and I have talked about what I will do should I get laid off from Klasky Csupo. This week I'll explore my options of getting a masters or at least teaching credentials. That is the one occupation I've always talked about doing if I wasn't pursuing my movie career. It's not that I'm giving up pursuing the movies, but I have to have something stable to make sure the kids are taken care of.

That's all for now. Big Ohio news was that Bowling Green (my alma mater) defeated Purdue in football this afternoon. Purdue is ranked and BG is not. This is a great victory for the team and I can only imagine how insane it may be on campus right now for football fans.

S

Ran 4 miles yesterday. My legs were like logs, tired from pushing myself so hard on Wednesday. But I don't regret it. I like having at least one hard day in my training. Makes me feel like I'm really working it. I took the Decoro hill, that one I wrote about a month ago. It's killer going up, but I know it will help out for the marathon.

Didn't do anything this morning. No weights. No bike. No yoga. The body ached and I knew it didn't want to do anything. So, I listened.

Tomorrow we're running at a different course, down by the marina. We're supposed to run 10 miles. On one hand, it will be cool not to have to take the treacherous hills of the Pasadena course (which we never end up running, just walking); on the other hand, not knowing the course adds something of a mental burden that can be very taxing.

Steve's folks sent a nice donation and a wonderful letter that I received yesterday. I'm about $450 from my goal. I can't believe I'm going to make it so soon. I only hope that more of the people I sent letters to respond. I have to get on that 2nd letter to send out. There are a lot of people who may have already forgotten.

Also have to get on those "Thank you" cards.

Kind of a crappy day at work. One of my co-workers was laid off. Besides the fact that it sucks she was let go, I know that my job may be on the line, as well. Not sure what the hell I'm going to do if that happens. I already talked about his, but I really don't know what I'm qualified to do. I've practically spent 10 years as an assistant and trying to write.

I feel like I've chosen the wrong career move time and time again, and yet I chose those moves for the better of my family.

Better start working on my resume.

Ran a hard 4 miles this morning. It felt good. Having those 3 days to sleep in had an effect on my body, though; I couldn't get up at 5:30 when the clock went off. Woke up at 6:15 and ran without anything in my stomach. I don't know whether that was too smart, but I found myself pushing harder just to get home and eat something.

Not having a great day overall.

Don’t know what my deal is, I'm in a funk today. I feel like my world is passing me by, that I'm stuck where I am and that I'll never achieve the kind of success I've always dreamed about.

Why do I get this way? I just wish I could sit back and say "Hey, you made a movie that's been well received." But then I think, "But people in Maine can't see it and it doesn't get into any festivals."

I should be able to sit back and say, "I have two wonderful children, a wife who loves me, and I have a steady job." But it doesn't have anything to do with that. I've invested so much time and energy into achieving this damn dream that whenever there is a lull, I feel let down. I feel like a failure. Ridiculous. There are people freaking dying out there and I'M WORRIED ABOUT MAKING MOVIES... again.

Pathetic.

I think it's this creative restlessness I have brewing inside. I want to write something, but it can't come out fast enough. And I don't have the energy to write a while script in one night. Or even a short story.

Jake had an appointment at Children's yesterday. This was his first checkup in 67 weeks. He gained 3/4 of a pound. Wait a minute; did I just write 3/4 of a POUND?? He didn't even gain a pound? And the doctors were pleased with what he'd gained.

3/4 of a pound.

This is what it's going to be like. The little guy is really going to be just that, little. I swear to God that if anyone ever makes fun of his size I'll find them and kick their ass. On a brighter note, he grew in height and is now, barely, in the lower third percentile for children his age. He, like, just made it on the line.

I have this CF related story I've been developing for about six months. It just kind of came to me suddenly and a lot of the elements seem to be falling into place. Should this be the next thing I work on? I don't know.

I've been questioning what I’m really supposed to do with myself. I used to think that God gave me these gifts of writing for a reason. I felt that I was supposed to use these gifts to make the world a better place. Is this what he's telling me? Write about the CF? Write about something human and shy away from the genre stuff?

A sign. That's all I'm asking for. Something simple to lift me up again.

S

Labor Day. I’ll be honest, I’m not sure what this holiday is all about, but I appreciate the day off.

Ran 40 easy minutes this morning. Slept in a little, though. It has been nice having a couple of days in which I didn’t have to rise at the crack of dawn. I don’t run tomorrow, so that will make three days in a row. I’m trying to get back into my limited weight training routine. Pushups, situps, some curls and rows. Nothing monumental, but enough to provide some additional power when comes time to get through the last six miles. I heard somewhere that a marathon is only a six mile run… the last six miles.

After my run we went out for breakfast at the local IHOP about a mile away from us. When we were explaining to Sophie where we were going to eat, Jules said, “Remember when we went to the beach (Santa Barbara) and we went out to breakfast with the pancakes? It’s that place.”

Sophie replied, “But that’s a long drive.”

She’s so smart.

The rest of the day was spent with, yes, that frickin’ screen door I’m trying to get up. My neighbor, Larry, came over and spent two hours with me sanding and planning the damn thing. Then, Vill helped me chip away space for the hinges. I didn’t feel like I accomplished much.

Maybe I’m too hard on myself. Two weeks ago, during the 8 miles run, Beth (my teammate) told me I was too hard on myself. And she’s only known me for, like, a month. Am I?

I get restless. I expect to accomplish so much, and I feel like time is running out.

Jake has an appointment at the CF clinic tomorrow.

S